Your smile
Serenity.
Your touch
Hennessy.

Our kissing is so intense.
Loving you is complete common sense.

This is sweet while not being too mushy.
It was a good, simple read with nice vocabulary.

Not a critique (not the forum for that) just a quick comment: see if you can live without the "is" on Line 5.

It had a light touch and set a nice mood. I liked it.

(12-02-2012, 10:14 AM)Todd Wrote:  Not a critique (not the forum for that) just a quick comment: see if you can live without the "is" on Line 5.

It had a light touch and set a nice mood. I liked it.

Thanks...and maybe that would work better with the flow.
(Even though this may be the wrong forum for "critique" but, i wouldn't mind it. --or should I just relocate it?)

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(12-02-2012, 10:06 AM)arbil_poieo Wrote:  This is sweet while not being too mushy.
It was a good, simple read with nice vocabulary.

thanks

(12-02-2012, 10:21 AM)nothing_good16 Wrote:  Thanks...and maybe that would work better with the flow.
(Even though this may be the wrong forum for "critique" but, i wouldn't mind it. --or should I just relocate it?)

you can have a more informal crit here if you want, here is where you define the type of feedback you want whereas on the crit boards you have no choice

i'd also suggest removing the is on the last line also, hust to tighten the thing right up.

a really nice short one ng16

I never try to critique too heavily an outburst of love. Their charm and what sells them is their spontaneity. Light suggestions might go like this:

Your smile
Serenity.
Your touch
Hennessy.

Our kissing
so intense.
Loving you
is complete
common sense.

Just keeping the feel of the lines. I like the idea that loving you is complete that that break gives. That's about it from me.

(12-02-2012, 10:06 AM)arbil_poieo Wrote:  This is sweet while not being too mushy.
It was a good, simple read with nice vocabulary.

thanks