Mummy scares me...
She drinks lots of water;
after she stops falling over
it's time for cigarettes

"Milly" she calls

I'm frightened of hearing.
My name gives me dreams
of bloodied broom handles
and the smell of poo

I'm invisible sometimes
but sometimes not
when she sees me through the wood
and points a finger that says

"I know where you are"

I wee myself and start shaking

She can see me now
she's got the broom...

---

originated from this thread. changed holding in the last line to 'got'

Billy, at first I read this and thought Billy's just playing around. Very quickly, I saw that wasn't the case. The voice was excellent, very believable.

(12-01-2012, 06:24 PM)billy Wrote:  Mummy scares me...
She drinks lots of water;--great detail hangover avoidance
after she stops falling over
it's time for cigarettes

"Milly" she calls

I'm frightened of hearing.
My name gives me dreams--this was all good but I especially liked this line break and the next two lines
of blooded broom handles
and the smell of poo

I'm invisible sometimes
but sometimes not--this is the type of line that makes the voice real for me
when she sees me through the wood
and points a finger that says

"I know where you are"--like an angry god

I wee myself and start shaking

She can see me now
she's holding the broom...

---

--maybe more subtle with a different sense. "I hear her sweeping in front of the door" that's not perfect but I'm thinking just have her using the broom. It will come across. Just a thought. How you have it still works

originated from this thread.

Good write Billy.

Thinking, "she's seen me now, and she's got the broom" -- a bit shorter, a bit more childish.

But honestly, my first reaction was just "holy fuck". I need a bit of recovery time.

(12-01-2012, 11:22 PM)Todd Wrote:  Billy, at first I read this and thought Billy's just playing around. Very quickly, I saw that wasn't the case. The voice was excellent, very believable.

she's holding the broom...

---

--maybe more subtle with a different sense. "I hear her sweeping in front of the door" that's not perfect but I'm thinking just have her using the broom. It will come across. Just a thought. How you have it still works

originated from this thread.


Good write Billy.

thanks for the feedback and kind words

i'll think about the broom line todd, i was aiming at making it less of a household item and more an article of pain.

---

(12-02-2012, 05:05 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Thinking, "she's seen me now, and she's got the broom" -- a bit shorter, a bit more childish.

But honestly, my first reaction was just "holy fuck". I need a bit of recovery time.

thanks for the feedback and for that specific reaction, it's the one i was going for. i like the 'she's got the broom' part. will do a small edit in a day or two.

Billy this takes a peice each time I read it, "its time for cigarettes"on the second reading killed me. great words. TOMH

thanks for the comment tomh.

I read this first last night and was blown away at its impact.
I think it's the naivety of the voice that stuck the hook in, the words were the painful twist.
great poem!

(12-01-2012, 06:24 PM)billy Wrote:  Mummy scares me...
She drinks lots of water;
after she stops falling over - prefer "when" she stops falling over
it's time for cigarettes

"Milly" she calls

I'm frightened of hearing. - great line
My name gives me dreams
of blooded broom handles - bloodied?Perhaps you have it right
and the smell of poo

I'm invisible sometimes
but sometimes not
when she sees me through the wood
and points a finger that says

"I know where you are"

I wee myself and start shaking - "start shaking" is unconvincing for me

She can see me now
she's got the broom...

---

- maybe "and she's looking for the broom" gives a different kind of tension to the ending

originated from this thread. changed holding in the last line to 'got'

Good stuff.

(12-03-2012, 04:32 PM)benthejack Wrote:  I read this first last night and was blown away at its impact.
I think it's the naivety of the voice that stuck the hook in, the words were the painful twist.
great poem!

thanks for feedback.

---

(12-04-2012, 06:56 AM)penguin Wrote:  

(12-01-2012, 06:24 PM)billy Wrote:  Mummy scares me...
She drinks lots of water;
after she stops falling over - prefer "when" she stops falling over
it's time for cigarettes

"Milly" she calls

I'm frightened of hearing. - great line
My name gives me dreams
of blooded broom handles - bloodied?Perhaps you have it right
and the smell of poo

I'm invisible sometimes
but sometimes not
when she sees me through the wood
and points a finger that says

"I know where you are"

I wee myself and start shaking - "start shaking" is unconvincing for me

She can see me now
she's got the broom...

---

- maybe "and she's looking for the broom" gives a different kind of tension to the ending

originated from this thread. changed holding in the last line to 'got'

Good stuff.

thanks for the feedback penguin. will change blooded to bloodied. and think about what else you said.

There is some effective internal or maybe you'd call it slant rhyme going on in this poem. It's more something you hear than read, but it's there, and it contributes to the horrid graphic scenario and creepiness I feel reading it.
I'd suggest italics instead of quotations for what is said in the poem.
gemini


Behind a Different Door:
Mummy scares me...
She drinks lots of water;
after she stops falling over
it's time for cigarettes

"Milly" she calls

I'm frightened of hearing.
My name gives me dreams
of bloodied broom handles
and the smell of poo

I'm invisible sometimes
but sometimes not
when she sees me through the wood
and points a finger that says

"I know where you are"

I wee myself and start shaking

She can see me now
she's got the broom...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thanks for the feedback gemini.
i like the idea of italics instead of quotes. will change it over later
great to see your first post is feedback once again, thanks

I love that you took a childs voice to portray something so deep and powerful, I have nothing negative to say!

hi xx

thanks for the kind words.

(12-01-2012, 06:24 PM)billy Wrote:  Mummy scares me...
She drinks lots of water;
after she stops falling over
it's time for cigarettes

"Milly" she calls
u
I'm frightened of hearing.
My name gives me dreams
of bloodied broom handles
and the smell of poo

I'm invisible sometimes
but sometimes not
when she sees me through the wood
and points a finger that says

"I know where you are"

I wee myself and start shaking

She can see me now
she's got the broom...

---

originated from this thread. changed holding in the last line to 'got'

Late on this one billy but I feel an overview coming on. It would be expected, perhaps, that I would look laterally at this piece, as you often do,but that would be to ignore the "issues". I may still be accused of avoiding the stark cameo that this piece presents but I am shocked that I am not shocked.....why should this be. Well, it is because this work is gratuitous rather than circuitous. It comes to its disturbing conclusion without any noticeable preamble and in spite of the comments of others "hearing" the voice of the child orator I do not think that the character has chance to developed enough before the horrendous reality is apparent. I believe that the use of the shock words ARE too gratuitous and that there is no time to build up a sense of threat or dread. I suppose that what I am saying is that the concept completely overwhelms the telling of the story.....and it IS a story. There is, to my mind, no poetic content in the piece.....and that's fine if you felt that the story HAD to be released at all costs.......but for me, this is a not uncommon use of the written form to get out a thought-train which the writer, you, may have found difficult to communicate in any other way. My only helpful suggestion would be to use this as the framework for a curse-verse and enjoy the writing rather than being satisfied with the message...in all its starkness.
Best (glad to be a
back)
tectak

is not even the title poetic, (throw me a fricken bone here please)

while i do see it as "a poem" i do see where you're coming from, the piece is indefensible so i won't defend it. i'm just grateful that you took the time to leave me solid feedback via an overview.

i do have one question? what's a curse verse....is it with lots of expletives cos i'm good at that seriously, i haven't heard of curse verse before.

Hey Billy, I read through this and I have to say I found it very effective.
One question I would like to ask is, the line that says "mammy drinks lots of water", is that about the hangover? Because when I read it I thought it was the child seeing mammy drinking lots of vodka or something clear like that and thinking it was water. Either way it's a good image. Great job.

mummy is drinking vodka, all the kid see is water. thanks for the feedback.

Loved the poem. I enjoyed the overwhelming sense of fear. I can easily picture the scene.

(12-18-2012, 09:06 AM)billy Wrote:  is not even the title poetic, (throw me a fricken bone here please)

while i do see it as "a poem" i do see where you're coming from, the piece is indefensible so i won't defend it. i'm just grateful that you took the time to leave me solid feedback via an overview.

i do have one question? what's a curse verse....is it with lots of expletives cos i'm good at that seriously, i haven't heard of curse verse before.

OK, the fuckin title has some charm,
the bloody broom is locked away again.
If you're the twat that caused the fuckin harm
I hope you die in fuckin writhin' pain.

That's curse-verse. I have been writing hearse-verse recently (I'm OK now) and will return to mirth-verse shortly. If I can get a quick one in, it will be terse-verse.....on the other hand, if it don't gell it ain't aspic, and if it don't improve it's worse-verse. Slightly pressurised and blathered poems are often burst-verse, whereas a lack of rhyming couplets means you are writing dearth-verse.

(12-18-2012, 09:48 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(12-18-2012, 09:06 AM)billy Wrote:  is not even the title poetic, (throw me a fricken bone here please)

while i do see it as "a poem" i do see where you're coming from, the piece is indefensible so i won't defend it. i'm just grateful that you took the time to leave me solid feedback via an overview.

i do have one question? what's a curse verse....is it with lots of expletives cos i'm good at that seriously, i haven't heard of curse verse before.

OK, the fuckin title has some charm,
the bloody broom is locked away again.
If you're the twat that caused the fuckin harm
I hope you die in fuckin writhin' pain.

That's curse-verse. I have been writing hearse-verse recently (I'm OK now) and will return to mirth-verse shortly. If I can get a quick one in, it will be terse-verse.....on the other hand, if it don't gell it ain't aspic, and if it don't improve it's worse-verse. Slightly pressurised and blathered poems are often burst-verse, whereas a lack of rhyming couplets means you are writing dearth-verse.

and a love poem is jerk verse

thanks for getting back to me on it

i had an idea that's what it would be. (I was hopeful i was right.) i may try a curse verse later, i like the quatrain

---

(12-18-2012, 01:43 PM)davidbenjamindix Wrote:  Loved the poem. I enjoyed the overwhelming sense of fear. I can easily picture the scene.

thanks for the comment