Sunday in the Park

Johnny wasn’t feeling very well
and on his walk he tripped and fell.
In falling down he banged his bonce
upon its crown and, in getting up,
he stumbled on a passing pup
which gave, of course, a high-pitched yelp.
Johnny roundly cursed the errant whelp
in tones which so alarmed the little dog
it set out at a healthy jog across the park
towards the lake and, in doing this, left
in its wake several flocks of feeding birds
(eschewing now the vulgar rhyme) I’d like
to take a little time to tell you what came next.
Poor Johnny fell again, arse over tit, and landed
in a pile of shit, which being wet, lubricated
his descent, so off he set, down the slope
and like a jet beneath a whitewashed rope shot
towards the waiting water - (I think that you
should hold your laughter), as Johnny on his
downward path was about to breath his last.
Having once been sorely crowned, confused,
poor Johnny drowned. The moral of this tale
must be, as I am sure you all can see,
and take this as your creed, when walking
with a dog, please keep a firm hold on its lead.

Hi Blogsworth,
Overall an amusing narrative, and nothing too taxing in there to make me spend ages trying to work out what the hell the poem is about. So often I just don't get it...not this time though, your poem did what it said on the tin. Although this is where my first small observation is brought in. You seam to have two titles. I'm assuming that the short walk is actually an author's note, rather than part of the title, but I was not completely sure on this.
As a whole your poem had a nice cadence and throughout you made good use of rhyme and alliteration, however it felt like the metre was off in a couple of places. (A few of the extra words could perhaps be edited to improve this)
For me the biggest glitch was that of punctuation. Most of my reading stumbles arose from either what felt like missing commas, or random placement of commas….but that might just be me. ( I did read it through several times and out aloud, each time with the same problems manifesting).
Visually it looked like a big block of text to have as one piece and I would have liked it better, even if it was only broken down in half.
This all said it was generally a nicely put together poem and the jog along tone suited the subject well
Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading your work.

hi bloggs. after a few passes i felt the meter was the main problem. it feels like it wants to be ryhtmic when read. on that basis i'd suggest using a set meter. i gave some suggestions as a guideline. it was a fun read though there was an overuse of and in/on i suppose it could be a refain but that didn't seem to be the case. the grammar which isn't one of my skill sets could also be better. i enjoyed the humour of it and it got a few smiles so in that respect it does work.

thanks for the read.

(11-27-2012, 11:57 PM)Bloggsworth Wrote:  

Sunday in the Park

Johnny wasn’t feeling very well would didn't feel help the meter?
and on his walk he tripped and fell. iambic tetrameter,
In falling down he banged his bonce iambic tetrameter
upon its crown and, in getting up, an extra half foot that could be solved if done as 'upon its crown, when getting up'
he stumbled on a passing pup
which gave, of course, a high-pitched yelp.
Johnny roundly cursed the errant whelp
in tones which so alarmed the little dog
it set out at a healthy jog across the park
towards the lake and, in doing this, left
in its wake several flocks of feeding birds
(eschewing now the obvious rhyme) I’d like
to take a little time to tell you what came next.
Poor Johnny fell again, arse over tit, and landed
in a pile of shit, which being wet, lubricated
his descent, so off he set, down the slope
and like a jet beneath a whitewashed rope shot
towards the waiting water - (I think that you
should hold your laughter), as Johnny on his
downward path was about to breath his last.
Having once been sorely crowned, confused,
poor Johnny drowned. The moral of this tale
must be, as I am sure you all can see,
and take this as your creed, when walking
with a dog, please keep a firm hold on its lead.

A revision in which I have evened up the metre, ignoring some "silent" syllables. It is written to be read aloud and, of course, the poet knows exactly which enjambments to read through which the reader may not at first sight.

Sunday in the Park

Little Johnny wasn’t feeling very well
and on his Sunday walk he tripped and fell
and, in falling down, he banged his bonce
upon its crown and then, in getting up,
he tumbled over a Doberman pup.
In fright the hound gave out a high-pitched yelp.
Alarmed our Johnny roundly cursed the whelp
in tones which so alarmed the dog
it set out at a rapid jog across the park
towards the lake and, in doing this, left
in its wake several flocks of frightened birds,
I’ll eschew the vulgar rhyme, and will take
a little time to tell you what came next.

Poor Johnny fell again, arse over tit, landed
in a pile of shit which lubricated
his descent, so off he set, down the slope
and like a jet beneath a whitewashed
rope he shot towards the waiting water –
(I think that you should hold your laughter),
as Johnny on his downward path was about
to breathe his last. Having once been sorely
crowned, now confused, poor Johnny drowned.
The moral of this tale must be, and take
it as your creed, when walking with a dog,
however small, keep a firm hold on its lead.

Sort of a meta-poem, a cautionary tale in the use of metre? It being the dog on the lead. Or am I reading too much into this!So I find it hard to make suggestions as I'm fairly sure that the abrupt changes in metre are deliberate. You should enjoy this site, it's Metric Heaven.

(11-30-2012, 12:45 AM)penguin Wrote:  Sort of a meta-poem, a cautionary tale in the use of metre? It being the dog on the lead. Or am I reading too much into this!So I find it hard to make suggestions as I'm fairly sure that the abrupt changes in metre are deliberate. You should enjoy this site, it's Metric Heaven.

I rarely write metrically - It is just a bit of fun, in the Hillaire Belloc style. The changes in metre make a lot more sense when I read it aloud as I can then stress in all the right places.

(11-30-2012, 12:45 AM)penguin Wrote:  Sort of a meta-poem, a cautionary tale in the use of metre? It being the dog on the lead. Or am I reading too much into this!

I had that same feeling . . .

If this isn't some kind of cute trick that is beyond me . . . I'd say the poem broke down with the 'jog across the park'-

If it is . . .

Genius!

Srsly,

(11-28-2012, 06:57 PM)Bloggsworth Wrote:  Sunday in the Park

Little Johnny wasn’t feeling very well
and on his Sunday walk he tripped and fell
and, in falling down, he banged his bonce
upon its crown and then, in getting up,
he tumbled over a Doberman pup.
In fright the hound gave out a high-pitched yelp.
Alarmed our Johnny roundly cursed the whelp
in tones which so alarmed the dog
it set out at a rapid jog across the park --For me this was the first major stumble. I wanted 'jog' at the end . . .
towards the lake and, in doing this, left
in its wake several flocks of frightened birds,
I’ll eschew the vulgar rhyme, and will take
a little time to tell you what came next.

Poor Johnny fell again, arse over tit, landed
in a pile of shit which lubricated --By this point the new rhyme position is kind of working for me, but imo it still needs the cappinng rhymes on 4s
his descent, so off he set, down the slope
and like a jet beneath a whitewashed
rope he shot towards the waiting water –
(I think that you should hold your laughter),
as Johnny on his downward path was about
to breathe his last. Having once been sorely
crowned, now confused, poor Johnny drowned.
The moral of this tale must be, and take
it as your creed, when walking with a dog,
however small, keep a firm hold on its lead.

The end is a bit cheeky.
I like it but agree it needs one title . . .

Thanks for sharing.