First revision, May 18, 2013

Once I was an alien on my own planet,
things got much easier.

'It must be my religion',
I mused,
and dropped all of my books
to pick up candy.
When the last scrap of onion skin fell

there I was.

'It must be my innocence',
but what was left?
Pillage my skin and bone
but when I couldn't sleep
for the light shining through my
drape-less window

there I was.

'It must be my convictions!'

I mustered all my might to break free.
The mold that had grown
over my perception waned.
I blinked

and there I was.

Once, I was an alien on my own planet
but I didn't know it.

Quote:Original:

Once I was an alien on my own planet,
things got much easier.

'It must be my religion',
I mused,
and dropped all of my books
to pick up candy.
When the last scrap of onion skin fell

there I was.

'It must be my innocence',
but what was left?
Pillage my skin and bone
but when I couldn't sleep
for the light shining through my
drape-less window

there I was.

'It must be my convictions!'

I mustered all my might to break.
The mold that had grown
over my perception waned.
I blinked

and there I was.

Once, I was an alien on my own planet
but I didn't know it.

You sell yourself way too short sometimes, you dopey redneck bastard.

You've used the ambiguity of grammar to great effect here, especially with those bookends. The one place it really doesn't work is the full stop after break -- that's not a sentence that makes sense on its own. It needs some revision but I'm not sure precisely what at this point. I do think you should have "The mold" starting as it does, and I like having a full stop after "break", you just need to fix that first line up.

That's a clever bit of self-discovery you've done, sir

Mark, this is original, and so passes my test. I normally like absolute clarity, but these tangential lines you have, produce a mood, which is unsayable. I am also attracted by fragments -of memory, of present perception, of a person breaking up, and there are fragments here, of the sort one has when recalling something, and other, unwanted stuff crowds in.

As for the break. line high-lighted by Miss, I had the impression that you first were going to have 'break the mould' but then changed your mind or forgot, and stuck in the full-stop, and carried on, using 'mould' in the other sense. In brief, yes, it needs fixing.

Hey Mark,

This is solid. I want to think about it some more before fully commenting. First impression I'd cut line two. It gives too much away and steals the tension when it should be building.

I want to echo Leanne. Don't sell yourself short.

(11-21-2012, 09:44 AM)Leanne Wrote:  You sell yourself way too short sometimes, you dopey redneck bastard.

Also sometimes I just give myself away.

(11-21-2012, 09:44 AM)Leanne Wrote:  The one place it really doesn't work is the full stop after break -- that's not a sentence that makes sense on its own.

Oh yeah . . . .

I meant it like:

Quote:'It must be my convictions!'

I mustered all my might to make a break for it.
The mold that had grown
over my perception waned.

I thought that was clear so I will try to see it that way and figure something out.

Thanks for your rather back-handing yet kind words.

<3

(11-21-2012, 11:14 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Mark, this is original, and so passes my test. I normally like absolute clarity, but these tangential lines you have, produce a mood, which is unsayable. I am also attracted by fragments -of memory, of present perception, of a person breaking up, and there are fragments here, of the sort one has when recalling something, and other, unwanted stuff crowds in.

Sir, your rambling critique is poetry in itself. You kind words are much appreciated.

(11-21-2012, 11:43 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hey Mark,

This is solid. I want to think about it some more before fully commenting. First impression I'd cut line two. It gives too much away and steals the tension when it should be building.

I rarely ever think of anything to say that is worth hearing so I certainly don't expect anyone to 'rush' to give me feedback. That you read it at all is flattering.

(11-21-2012, 11:43 AM)Todd Wrote:  I want to echo Leanne. Don't sell yourself short.

I love you too.

I did an edit but it was only one word :p

It has been bothering me for months and I hope this is the right choice. I miss you guys and working on my poetry

Clearer, yes, one word can make a difference. My initial reaction to this poem has not changed. We miss you too ><

Awww . . . billy gimme da red letters cuz I gotta give Leanne some wubbin'

>< >< >< >< >< >< >< ><

(11-21-2012, 09:35 AM)Wildcard Wrote:  First revision, May 18, 2013

Once I was an alien on my own planet,
things got much easier.

'It must be my religion',
I mused,
and dropped all of my books
to pick up candy.
When the last scrap of onion skin fell

there I was.

'It must be my innocence',
but what was left?
Pillage my skin and bone
but when I couldn't sleep
for the light shining through my
drape-less window

there I was.

'It must be my convictions!'

I mustered all my might to break free.
The mold that had grown
over my perception waned.
I blinked

and there I was.

Once, I was an alien on my own planet
but I didn't know it.

no line by line or red letters. but a lot of praise. i must have missed this bugger. i like the use of onion skin and how you strip yourself away throughout the poem, a layer at a time. the title also points to some kind of emptying. all that is left after it's all stripped away is the essence, in this case the base of the 1st person. it's a bit fuckin whacked out but that only adds to strengthen the fucker. lets face it someone's dehumanising or in retrospect trying to humanise them self by asking the questions; who am i, what am i, and very possibly if one's smoking the good stuff, why am i?

great write mark. you should join us more often

(11-21-2012, 09:35 AM)Wildcard Wrote:  First revision, May 18, 2013
Hi mark, good to see your back ( pun in your world).
I have seen this one before somewhere but can now have a go at it.
Best,
tectak
Once I was an alien on my own planet,
things got much easier. "Once" has a double meaning. Not important but it can change the overall concept if the opener echoes. You may decide to change the punctuation to clarify.

'It must be my religion', I don't like the "it" word when I have not been told what "it" is. What is it?
I mused,
and dropped all of my books
to pick up candy.
When the last scrap of onion skin fell Don't get it. I may later. We shall see.

there I was. NOW I get it! VG. Though if you want to write "When the last scrap of onion skin fell there I was" then why not do just that? Why the affectation of line break?
'It must be my innocence',
but what was left?
Pillage my skin and bone
but when I couldn't sleep
for the light shining through my
drape-less window

there I was. As a refrain, it is not weighty enough. The overall poem is,however, developing nicely.

'It must be my convictions!'

I mustered all my might to break free.
The mold that had grown
over my perception waned. mold and wane are incompatible, even in a metaphor
I blinked

and there I was.

Once, I was an alien on my own planet Clever comma, but is it a deliberate take on L1? I cannot tell
but I didn't know it.

Quote:Original:

Once I was an alien on my own planet,
things got much easier.

'It must be my religion',
I mused,
and dropped all of my books
to pick up candy.
When the last scrap of onion skin fell

there I was.

'It must be my innocence',
but what was left?
Pillage my skin and bone
but when I couldn't sleep
for the light shining through my
drape-less window

there I was.

'It must be my convictions!'

I mustered all my might to break.
The mold that had grown
over my perception waned.
I blinked

and there I was.

Once, I was an alien on my own planet
but I didn't know it.

Yes mark. You should post here more often. I enjoyed this.
Best,
tectak
( Have aliens taken you over?)

@billy ><

Thanks for your take on this and I promise if I could drop in more often I would.

Love you guys and will be back when things settled down.

Hi tectak,

Thanks for taking time to give some notes here-- it took my 3 months to change one word though so don't get in a hurry

Some of the things you say make sense (shocker :p ) and I will have a look.

Cheers.

P. S. I have not been taken over by aliens, but I've heard that in Texas that is a big issue

Sorry I just changed one word-- I really shouldn't have done a whole revision I guess but I did anyway :p