kk this is a change for me..kinda a huuuuge one..as most me other stuff wos either bollox/not understood/cliched to fuck..kk basically shite, in a moment of PMT fuelled pissedoffness i got rid of it...now after much head scratching,wikiing,googling,shouting,screaming,reading,dreaming..i come up wit this


Accountancy

The row, the fight, the argument
Is over (or we is just re-arming)
Regretful silence fills the void
How did it come to this ?
How can 2 people who love each other,
Throw spiteful wounds so easily ?
The door is slammed
I stand in the aftermath
Head down, arms folded
Leanin against the kitchen sink
Am thinking if I should be crying or not
But these eyes is firmly dry
I know am not even gonna say sorry
I never do
Would like to say is cos I said it over an over when I lived under abuse
But I never did, even antagonised making it worse
Me own way of pushing back
He'll be back, I know, with meant apologese
An I will, with relief an heart felt sigh, accept them
Wish I could roll forward to the gentle caressings of pillow talk

"Ripping strips of each other" Makes me smile
Only is in a pathetically sad way
Knowing I'll put it aside to use in some shitty poetical confessional
An here it is
Thank god I aint a catholic
Would never be out the booth
But I can't see how a hail Mary helps anyways
Spesh from some bloke who knows fuck all about relationships

I pick up the crumpled catalyst from the floor
Barclays bank in blue logo
The rest, thick black an red lettering
Exactly minus £1684.37p in arrears
To be charged £22 every 5 days while over our £1000 overdraft
Plus £20 for every returned direct debit
This don't include the £30,000 consolidation loan
Or the £10,000 van loan he needed just to work
It don't help that theres now so little work about
Sighning on, sighning off
6 week wait everytime for a pitiful handout
Ever increasing the debts

Thanks Fuckerz

We don't talk about me solutions
At first he laughed an joked it wos cool
Now he gets 'that look' in his eye
An every time I see it, I die a little more inside
With xmas coming, we both know it'll be coming
Turkey with all the trimmings leaves a bitter taste
When it comes courtesy of Rhino's

I flick on the kettle, hot raging waters bubble
I sit in silence of the aftermath
No music, no TV, alone in thoughts sipping coffee
Waiting
Wot the fuck else is there to do

Nice to see you back I've just left a few thoughts here for you and I'll come back when it's not so early in the morning.

(11-15-2012, 06:23 PM)TwistedAngel Wrote:  Accountancy

The row, the fight, the argument
Is over (or we is just re-arming)
Regretful silence fills the void
How did it come to this ?
How can 2 people who love each other,
Throw spiteful wounds so easily ? -- "wounds" is the wrong word, I think -- you should probably have a kind of weapon, rather than its result
The door is slammed
I stand in the aftermath -- what about "I stand in the aftermath of the door slam", removing the line above?
Head down, arms folded
Leanin against the kitchen sink
Am thinking if I should be crying or not
But these eyes is firmly dry
I know am not even gonna say sorry
I never do
Would like to say is cos I said it over an over when I lived under abuse -- maybe another word will imply abuse rather than saying it straight out (I'm not a fan of the obvious so it's a personal choice but I'd go with an image like bruise or something)
But I never did, even antagonised making it worse -- this line is a bit too telling, can you think of a way to show it instead?
Me own way of pushing back
He'll be back, I know, with meant apologese
An I will, with relief an heart felt sigh, accept them
Wish I could roll forward to the gentle caressings of pillow talk

"Ripping strips of each other" Makes me smile -- off, not of
Only is in a pathetically sad way
Knowing I'll put it aside to use in some shitty poetical confessional -- nice
An here it is
Thank god I aint a catholic
Would never be out the booth
But I can't see how a hail Mary helps anyways
Spesh from some bloke who knows fuck all about relationships -- the catholic in me wants to defend priests, who actually know a fair bit about relationships, since they come in different varieties... maybe fuck all about fucking?

I pick up the crumpled catalyst from the floor -- good line
Barclays bank in blue logo
The rest, thick black an red lettering
Exactly minus £1684.37p in arrears
To be charged £22 every 5 days while over our £1000 overdraft
Plus £20 for every returned direct debit
This don't include the £30,000 consolidation loan
Or the £10,000 van loan he needed just to work
It don't help that theres now so little work about
Sighning on, sighning off
6 week wait everytime for a pitiful handout
Ever increasing the debts

Thanks Fuckerz

We don't talk about me solutions
At first he laughed an joked it wos cool
Now he gets 'that look' in his eye
An every time I see it, I die a little more inside -- I hesitate to say it, but... "I die a little more inside" is cliche
With xmas coming, we both know it'll be coming
Turkey with all the trimmings leaves a bitter taste
When it comes courtesy of Rhino's

I flick on the kettle, hot raging waters bubble
I sit in silence of the aftermath
No music, no TV, alone in thoughts sipping coffee
Waiting
Wot the fuck else is there to do -- great, strong ending stanza

elo Twisted good to see you posting again, hope youve kept your other post on a hard drive !! as in years to come you will refer to them as your early years and I really like them. I think Leanne's comments are spot on, I know thats a cop out but cant really add anything else, we've all stood against that kitchen sink in moments like this and your unpredicatable twist and turns always adds another dimension, great job. TOMH

cheers guys i think after reading it back i agree with a lot of the crit..pfft yeah an the cliche line lol

the only thing i dont is the 'abuse' line i feel very strongly about that but how do you mean by

"this line is a bit too telling, can you think of a way to show it instead?"..not sure i understand that

Well, what sort of abuse? Is it "your bruising hand" or "your cutting words"? Or anything in between? Abuse is a bit of a broad term.

Oh ok i get it ....maybe i wos meandering to much ? cos obviously its clear in me own head lol
am just trying to explain why i never say sorry..the reasons are kinda off topic i guess to this write

would taking those 2 lines out still work ?

(11-17-2012, 04:58 PM)TwistedAngel Wrote:  cheers guys i think after reading it back i agree with a lot of the crit..pfft yeah an the cliche line lol

the only thing i dont is the 'abuse' line i feel very strongly about that but how do you mean by

"this line is a bit too telling, can you think of a way to show it instead?"..not sure i understand that

It means that poetry, to a large extent, is poetry by virtue of not stating facts straight out, but by finding other words to describe a feeling or situation. So if one were being physically abuse, for example,...it would mean finding a way to describe that without saying it outright. Words in poetry are there to manipulate however you want to get across what you want the reader to feel as intensely as you want them to feel it. The only thing I would say is that, if it were me and I were writing about physical abuse, I would definitely make sure to choose a way to express it that got across it was actual physical abuse and not metaphorical or "just" emotional abuse. Personally, I would probably not relegate even the mention of physical abuse to one line, but a person could write an entire poem about that kind of experience, or even just one incident of it. Otherwise you won't do the pain of it justice in your poem.

When writing poetry, the more you can focus on a small detail and blow it up into something, like an entire poem, the better you can become at writing poetry.

Having said that, I thought it was a very powerful poem. With poems like this, though, I am unable to overlook the content in order to look at it in a way that would be of any use technically. I tend to view and use poetry as more of a therapy than...whatever other people view and use it as.

edit

Accountancy

The row, the fight, the argument
Is over (or we is just re-arming)
Regretful silence fills the void
How did it come to this ?
How can 2 people who love each other,
Throw piercing spears so easily ?
After thunderous door slam, I stand
Head down, arms folded
Leanin against the kitchen sink
Am thinking if I should be crying or not
But these eyes is firmly dry
I know am not even gonna say sorry
I never do
Me own way of pushing back
He'll be back, I know, with meant apologese
An I will, with relief an heart felt sigh, accept them
Wish I could roll forward to the gentle caressings of pillow talk

"Ripping strips off each other" Makes me smile
Only is in a pathetically sad way
Knowing I'll put it aside to use in some shitty poetical confessional
An here it is
Thank god I aint a catholic
Would never be out the booth
But I can't see how a hail Mary helps
Besides, the church door is locked these days

I pick up the crumpled catalyst from the floor
Barclays bank in blue logo
The rest, thick black an red lettering
Exactly minus £1684.37p in arrears
To be charged £22 every 5 days while over our £1000 overdraft
Plus £20 for every returned direct debit
This don't include the £30,000 consolidation loan
Or the £10,000 van loan he needed just to work
It don't help that theres now so little work about
Sighning on, sighning off
6 week wait everytime for a pitiful handout
Ever increasing the debts

Thanks Fuckerz

We don't talk about me solutions
At first he laughed an joked it wos cool
Now he gets 'that look' in his eye
An every time I see it, I decay that little bit more
With xmas coming, we both know it'll be coming
Turkey with all the trimmings leaves a bitter taste
When it comes courtesy of Rhino's

I flick on the kettle, hot raging waters bubble
I sit in silence of the aftermath
No music, no TV, alone in thoughts sipping coffee
Waiting
Wot the fuck else is there to do

kk a few changes the biggest being the hole 'abuse' lines..figured it didnt add much anyways so i got rid of it ..also a diffrent direction on the church lines
not sure if i avoided any cliches or maybe changed them for other ones

Hi TwistedAngel,

I've come to this one a little late. So, here are some comments on the edit:

(11-17-2012, 08:12 PM)TwistedAngel Wrote:  edit

Accountancy

The row, the fight, the argument
Is over (or we is just re-arming)
Regretful silence fills the void--void is a hard word to work on its own adding something to the end of it may make it pop more. On the next line you could write for example (and that's all this is) left by broken dishes. Or, of our now empty flat...just thoughts
How did it come to this ?
How can 2 people who love each other,
Throw piercing spears so easily ? you probably don't need piercing since spears implies piercing
After thunderous door slam, I stand--maybe an a before thunderous
Head down, arms folded
Leanin against the kitchen sink
Am thinking if I should be crying or not
But these eyes is firmly dry
I know am not even gonna say sorry
I never do
Me own way of pushing back
He'll be back, I know, with meant apologese
An I will, with relief an heart felt sigh, accept them
Wish I could roll forward to the gentle caressings of pillow talk

"Ripping strips off each other" Makes me smile
Only is in a pathetically sad way
Knowing I'll put it aside to use in some shitty poetical confessional
An here it is--funny
Thank god I aint a catholic
Would never be out the booth
But I can't see how a hail Mary helps
Besides, the church door is locked these days

I pick up the crumpled catalyst from the floor
Barclays bank in blue logo
The rest, thick black an red lettering
Exactly minus £1684.37p in arrears
To be charged £22 every 5 days while over our £1000 overdraft
Plus £20 for every returned direct debit
This don't include the £30,000 consolidation loan
Or the £10,000 van loan he needed just to work
It don't help that theres now so little work about
Sighning on, sighning off
6 week wait everytime for a pitiful handout
Ever increasing the debts--like all the numbers and bank book stuff

Thanks Fuckerz

We don't talk about me solutions
At first he laughed an joked it wos cool
Now he gets 'that look' in his eye
An every time I see it, I decay that little bit more
With xmas coming, we both know it'll be coming
Turkey with all the trimmings leaves a bitter taste
When it comes courtesy of Rhino's

I flick on the kettle, hot raging waters bubble
I sit in silence of the aftermath
No music, no TV, alone in thoughts sipping coffee
Waiting
Wot the fuck else is there to do

kk a few changes the biggest being the hole 'abuse' lines..figured it didnt add much anyways so i got rid of it ..also a diffrent direction on the church lines
not sure if i avoided any cliches or maybe changed them for other ones

What makes this cool is that your word choice fits so well with the frustration. Your dialect helps sell it. Good to see your poems again.

Best,

Todd

I've never actually critiqued any work before. I'll learn as I go I suppose. For now I will just say. I really felt this one. It strikes me as a personal piece with a lot of emotion. I really enjoy how you weren't afraid to bare all and say everything you were feeling. I could feel your frustrations, anger, sadness and even a little bit of confusion it seems you feel. Thank you for posting this.

hey Todd thanks for commenting

i kinda left the word 'void' hanging deliberatley otherwise you killing the meaning IMO by adding somthing after it

also "Throw piercing spears so easily ?" i get you point (no pun intended ) but i think is a more intresting sentence to read than just "Throw spears so easily ?"
to 'a' or not to 'a' lol..normally you tellin me to drop un-needed words..make you mind up :p
not much thick black text from you today am soooo happy ...well assuming thats a good sign ???

Mreds cheers ..an yeah am rubbish at critiquing as well am always worried about offending somone an at the mo am not that confident at me own ability writing yet..kinda feels like "teaching you grandma how to suck eggs" not that i exactly i know wot that means either

i reckon is just a case of giving you honest opinion an cross fingers like writing your crique will also improve