Everything
Real
Inevitably
Collides...

She said its like
plugs to sockets
and
cell phones to pockets

but
to say it simply
its a

magnetism i cant desbribe
to try and put words to this vibe
would be like
how quickly estranged worlds collide

but you and i
were something like iconic

How at first glance you
walked away with my heart
is what i’d call it

Fallen

Deeply into the imagery of what we could be
but see
Distant miles whisper the could be's of we.
- Unfortunately.

it's it's

had a feel of rap to it and because of this the repetition of collide/s, i think the clichés also just pull through because of the style. simply because it has no chorus or refrain, i'd like to see it extended

thanks for the read and hi

I agree... there's a groove to the narrator's speech that lightens the piece. I like "plugs to sockets// cellphones to pockets" -- it grounded and further humanized the piece. It ends on a dry note, which really suits it .

Thanks for the share

Did you intentionally use the first strophe as an acrostic?

This feels like a spoken word piece. I can dig it that way, and my own emotional self right now just latched on to the brokenness. Fuck's sake. I don't even like rhyme.

(09-30-2012, 09:00 AM)billy Wrote:  it's it's

had a feel of rap to it and because of this the repetition of collide/s, i think the clichés also just pull through because of the style. simply because it has no chorus or refrain, i'd like to see it extended

thanks for the read and hi

Hello! Thank you so much for the feedback! I don't know whether to leave it like this or to find some way to end it. I kind of feel like it isn't exactly finished. I've come to a block though.
Thanks again

it's not a problem as it is, i'd just personally like to see it a little longer.