08-14-2012, 11:26 PM (This post was last modified: 08-14-2012, 11:27 PM by Todd.)
Hi yumbo,
Welcome to the forum!
About your poem, first impressions:
When I read this, it came across as unconnected vignettes that didn't hold together well. I mean I see where the title and the speaker's reaction connects them, but it feels artificial to me. I sort of think you need an overarching narrative to hold the piece together sort of like Dorianne Laux does with "The Tooth Fairy". All of the items you mention aren't bad, but I think they need to tie together stronger. I also am not fond of the summation going on in the last strophe...it leads the reader too much. I do however, really like the final two lines and the image you leave us with.
You have the bones of something good here. I hope the comments will be helpful to you.
To Dad, who threatened to take
the next bus to Milwaukee
and kill me
when I wouldn't reveal
where Mom lived.
To Mike, the company president
whose idea of telling me
I bored him
was to leave a gallon of
melting vanilla ice cream
on my desk.
To Mark, the team captain
who asked me if my
father's name, Dong,
was the Korean
equivalent
of Dick.
I don't want to die bitter
but my wild mind
trots out your offenses
and I mouth curses on you
and my heart becomes a
black and sour raisin.
This is terse-verse so no line by line. Whenever I read work like this I begin by asking myself if it is a one-shot.
The benefit of the doubt would lead me to believe, in this case, that you are constructing a fictional scenario and decorating it with "real" names as an easy way of adding weight to your characters and reality to your story. This is NOT a criticism per se but it is no substitute for in-depth character-building and good descriptive pros. So...to the poem itself. Well...what to say that would help. There is no rhythm.....and why should there be. Perhaps you do not like writing rhythmically. There is no rhyme....and why should there be? Perhaps you find rhyme restricting. There is no defined structure to the stanzas....and why should there be. Perhaps you are a free spirit. Now I just know that this will irritate but it is not meant to do so.....the thing is, there is no point. Here we have a list of gripes. The gripes are pretty normal once you are old enough to offend people by just being yourself. In fact, the thought suddenly struck me that the "stanzas" are the sort of thing a center would utter in an American Football scrimmage to irritate his opponent.
Can I suggest, tentatively, that this piece is used as a framework on which to hang something more substantive, linked and complete. This is an unusual suggestion as most of us, me particulary, get over-flabby and do not cut to the bone. Here, I feel that the piece would benefit from more meat....and furthermore I believe it would be worth it. Terse-verse needs no conclusions but if you are not careful you get a rant or a litany. If your heart's a black and sour raisin I think you got let off lightly....some people hang themselves!
Best,
tectak
Todd - I am familiar with Laux's Tooth Fairy. I'll go back and read it tonight.
Tectak - No, these experiences are real. And the names have not been changed to protect the guilty. But the feedback that I'm taking away is that some readers would think these characters are made up. Regarding "If your heart's a black and sour raisin I think you got let off lightly....some people hang themselves!" ... ouch!
Being new to all this, I need the following terms defined for me:
- One-shot (What is that?)
- Pros (Did you mean to type 'prose?')
(08-15-2012, 01:27 AM)yumbo Wrote: Hey! Thanks for the feedback.
Todd - I am familiar with Laux's Tooth Fairy. I'll go back and read it tonight.
Tectak - No, these experiences are real. And the names have not been changed to protect the guilty. But the feedback that I'm taking away is that some readers would think these characters are made up. Regarding "If your heart's a black and sour raisin I think you got let off lightly....some people hang themselves!" ... ouch!
Being new to all this, I need the following terms defined for me:
- One-shot (What is that?)
- Pros (Did you mean to type 'prose?')
Danke.
- Yumbo
one shot. means you cannot write anything else until you find yourself in an "experience". ie. you can only write from experience and you write one poem per experience.
Yes
I actually like what you were doing with this piece. And I really like the last verse, but it didn't feel so much like a conclusion for me, at least not a conclusion for this particular poem: each stanza is preluded with "to dad, to mike, to mark"... but I'm not sure you told them anything. That's just the impression i got.
Thanks very much for the read, and hope to see more of your work
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Hi yumbo. nornally it's best to put the title in the subject heading, unless the poem's called "well here goes nothing"
(08-14-2012, 09:45 PM)yumbo Wrote: Can't Let Go
To Dad, who threatened to take
the next bus to Milwaukee
and kill me
when I wouldn't reveal
where Mom lived.
To Mike, the company president
whose idea of telling me
I bored him
was to leave a gallon of
melting vanilla ice cream
on my desk.
To Mark, the team captain
who asked me if my
father's name, Dong,
was the Korean
equivalent
of Dick. this stanza appeals to my sense of humour so much
I don't want to die bitter
but my wild mind
trots out your offenses
and I mouth curses on you
and my heart becomes a
black and sour raisin. raisin is really weak though i suppose it could be weak on purpose to show you don't really care.
at the moment what you have are some good snapshots of offences (is your spelling of offences the american spelling? ) against your person. or a list of snapshots. it does read as short lined prose or free verse (without rhyme or meter) i would have liked to have seen more than one poetic device in there but that's just a personal thing on my part. the dispassionate voice of the 1st person comes through though it lacks the malevolence of the last stanza. maybe something to counter the nastyness at the end of each stanza.
i do like the poem
but each stanza could be developed a bit more.
this is just a suggestion to discard;
To Dad:
the bastard who threatened me
with a bus to Milwaukee;
and a premature death
when I wouldn't reveal
where Mom lived.
just an idea, there are lots of way to add something.
For me this is wonderful as-is. I should warn you that I know very little about poetry, but just take my advice as a less-than-layman.
The last line hit me pretty hard. I am getting the feeling that this poem is about how sometimes it is so easy to dwell on the dark cards that people deal you. Those painful memories can overwhelm a person and pollute their thoughts with bitterness.
The title, 'Can't Let Go' supports that theory anyway
Billy already suggested making the title of the thread the same as the title of the poem, I just wanted to make sure you knew how:
Scroll down and find your thread and then just click and hold the mouse until an edit box appears. When you are done press enter.
Of course, you don't have to edit it.
Maybe I got the wrong impression though.
(08-14-2012, 09:45 PM)yumbo Wrote: Can't Let Go
--I like how you address several different offenders and their offenses and then address them as if they could somehow know that you (in the poem or really you- whatever) are thinking of them- or that they would care.
To Dad, who threatened to take
the next bus to Milwaukee
and kill me
when I wouldn't reveal
where Mom lived.
To Mike, the company president --This is such an odd scenario. I almost want to think you are being cheeky about something and I don't get it. You said it was a real life event, but it seems a little too odd for TV . . .
whose idea of telling me
I bored him
was to leave a gallon of
melting vanilla ice cream
on my desk.
To Mark, the team captain --Made me laugh on this one.
who asked me if my
father's name, Dong,
was the Korean
equivalent
of Dick.
I don't want to die bitter
but my wild mind
trots out your offenses --Is 'trots out' the right phrase? What about 'parades' instead?
and I mouth curses on you --For some reason I kept thinking that 'upon' would work better than 'on' here.
and my heart becomes a
black and sour raisin.
The close is the best. Very melancholy and I can personally relate to this last stanza whereas I couldn't relate as much with the earlier stanzas. That wasn't a negative for me- it created a little 'surprise connection' that gave me that sad little feeling inside and made my eyes water a little.
okay, I liked what Billy said (Billy DO NOT let that go to your head), but one thing I will warn you about is you may get lots of excellent and completely different advice. You need to know what you're trying to say/show and then use the advice to help you refine that.
I think (this is just me, so do with it what you like) that you could word your stanza with some of the black bile that you feel towards these people. As tectak suggests, flesh it out a bit. Or make them more personal - "To my dad, who...", or as per Billy "To my dad, the bastard, who...", "To Mike, my company's president.." etc (ice cream? really? how charming) Also, maybe put them in order? Team Captain, Boss, Dad...
(08-14-2012, 09:45 PM)yumbo Wrote: Can't Let Go
To Dad, who threatened to take
the next bus to Milwaukee
and kill me
when I wouldn't reveal
where Mom lived.
To Mike, the company president
whose idea of telling me
I bored him
was to leave a gallon of maybe make this more visual? sticky white oozing ....
melting vanilla ice cream
on my desk.
To Mark, the team captain
who asked me if my
father's name, Dong,
was the Korean
equivalent
of Dick.
I don't want to die bitter
but my wild mind like wild mind
trots out your offenses deals out your offenses?
and I mouth curses on you my (continues from my mind and makes it more personal) mouth mutters curses on you
and my heart becomes a I would assume the process isn't complete, so maybe "and my soft heart becomes a black and sour raisin
black and sour raisin.
great job, and welcome!!
“Give me silence, water, hope
Give me struggle, iron, volcanoes.”
― Pablo Neruda
To Dad, who threatened to take
the next bus to Milwaukee
and kill me...when on its own, this line strikes me more as an afterthought, and I really don't think it should
when I wouldn't reveal
where Mom lived.
To Mike, the company president
whose idea of telling me
I bored him
was to leave a gallon of
melting vanilla ice cream
on my desk.
To Mark, the team captain
who asked me if my
father's name, Dong,
was the Korean
equivalent
of Dick.
I don't want to die bitter
but my wild mind
trots out your offenses...do you need these first three lines? they are a bit summative. opening with something else may work wonders
and I mouth curses on you
and my heart becomes a
black and sour raisin....interesting image and I like it, but it makes the rest of the poem feel a bit flat. perhaps more imagery throughout could help balance things.
you have some ideas, and i'm not necessarily against the speaker sending messages to these individuals. That being said, the piece is lacking a bit of cohesion between stanzas. I'm not sure if the form of the lines themselves does you favors
