because I looked at them
and not your face,
your hands,
the floor, my feet, but mostly at
your hands

and so,
I saw the line suggesting
a creative lover,
one that shows
a clever mind,
fertile imagination, and
the mound by your thumb
that indicates passion

covertly
I read the meaning of your finger shapes
long and articulate,
the depth of your spirit
as you moved your hands, and spoke softly to me

my own hands were shaking
as I rocked
ever so slightly, back and forth

and as I write, I tremble
briefly
at the memory of your hands

(07-29-2012, 11:54 AM)Ruth Wrote:  because I looked at them
and not your face, at not sure if the enjambment works with the two at's at the line ends, personally i don't think they're needed at all.
your hands,
the floor, my feet, but mostly at
your hands

and so,
I saw the line suggesting
a creative lover,
one that shows
a clever mind,
fertile imagination, and
the mound by your thumb
that indicates passion here the enjambment works really well and creates ideas on more than one level. specially the line; one that shows.

covertly
I read the meaning of your finger shapes
long and articulate,
the depth of your spirit
as you moved your hands, and spoke softly to me

my own hands were shaking
as I rocked
ever so slightly, back and forth

and as I write, I tremble
briefly
at the memory of your hands the heat is palpable

good want poem. It slowly changes intent as the poem evolves. just the enjambment nits at the beginning. i'm off to get a shower ...

thanks for the read.

excellent point. I generally end up with about half of what I originally write down, thanks for helping me cull it further.

sorry about the shower....

(07-29-2012, 11:54 AM)Ruth Wrote:  because I looked at themdaring opener without defined subject. "them" is just to isolated and reliant upon the title
and not your face,
your hands,
the floor, my feet, but mostly atalways a bit dodgy to include feet as there is a risk of comedic effect when not wanted. leave feet out of it. Also knees and elbows
your hands

and so, not required as there is no loose conditionalty. You have dealt with the "because" in S1
I saw the line suggesting
a creative lover,
one that shows
a clever mind,
fertile imagination, and
the mound by your thumb
that indicates passionpunctuation a little clumsy here. Not sure if a semi colon after "imagination" wouldn't help.

covertly why covertly? Why not overtly? Why any ertly? This adds nothing. Cut it.
I read the meaning of your finger shapes
long and articulate,
the depth of your spiritcliche 1
as you moved your hands, and spoke softly to mecliche 2

my own hands were shakingcliche 3
as I rocked
ever so slightly, back and forth

and as I write, I tremble
briefly
at the memory of your hands

Overall a little intense and over concentrated. The format is not languid or sensuous enough for the subject matter. Short lines usually implies short thoughts and you are not in a staccato theatre here. You are trying to express a longing emotion with a machine gun. You are writing free verse so it is up to you to begin and end your lines where you like AFTER the thought has been made manifest. Think short by all means, most of us do, but then write long.
Best,
tectak

I am intrigued by your narrator. There is a tentativeness in the way she speaks which echoes how she behaves, interpreting the world in shy and secret ways (that in this case affected her normal interaction).

I really enjoyed the piece.

(07-29-2012, 11:54 AM)Ruth Wrote:  because I looked at them
and not your face, should it be a semicolon here? I'm not sure, but there's something about the punctuation that drains focus from the "your hands" line
your hands,
the floor, my feet, but mostly at
your hands

and so, I tripped up here a bit, though I can't fully articulate in what sense-- "and so I saw"--- sonically it complements, but too well that it distracted me, like the beginning of a tongue twister
I saw the line suggesting
a creative lover,
one that shows
a clever mind,
fertile imagination, and
the mound by your thumb
that indicates passion I really like this stanza

covertly
I read the meaning of your finger shapes
long and articulate,
the depth of your spirit
as you moved your hands, a bit late to go back to "hands"... how about palms or something? That's a very minor nit though. and spoke softly to me

my own hands were shaking
as I rocked
ever so slightly, back and forth I don't understand the significance of rocking back and forth so the drama is lost on me.... of course that's my own fault for sucking at body language . Is she nervous?

and as I write, I tremble
briefly
at the memory of your hands

Nice poem.I think the opening states the case a bit too much.I'd call the poem "your hands" and do this

because I looked at them
and not your face,
the floor, my feet,
your hands

just a suggestion.

I like "covertly", maybe fingers is enough, rather than finger shapes.
I'd cut "softly to me" at the end of that verse.
Be nice to end at "back and forth", I think. Yet more ambivalence and the last 3 lines are edging dangerously close to Mills and Boon.

(07-29-2012, 04:09 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(07-29-2012, 11:54 AM)Ruth Wrote:  because I looked at themdaring opener without defined subject. "them" is just to isolated and reliant upon the title
and not your face,
your hands,
the floor, my feet, but mostly atalways a bit dodgy to include feet as there is a risk of comedic effect when not wanted. leave feet out of it. Also knees and elbows
your hands

and so, not required as there is no loose conditionalty. You have dealt with the "because" in S1
I saw the line suggesting
a creative lover,
one that shows
a clever mind,
fertile imagination, and
the mound by your thumb
that indicates passionpunctuation a little clumsy here. Not sure if a semi colon after "imagination" wouldn't help.

covertly why covertly? Why not overtly? Why any ertly? This adds nothing. Cut it.
I read the meaning of your finger shapes
long and articulate,
the depth of your spiritcliche 1
as you moved your hands, and spoke softly to mecliche 2

my own hands were shakingcliche 3
as I rocked
ever so slightly, back and forth

and as I write, I tremble
briefly
at the memory of your hands

overall a little intense and over concentrated. The format is not languid or sensuous enough for the subject matter. Short lines usually implies short thoughts and you are not in a staccato theatre here. You are trying to express a longing emotion with a machine gun. You are writing free verse so it is up to you to begin and end your lines where you like AFTER the thought has been made manifest. Think short by all means, most of us do, but then write long.
Best,
tectak

(07-29-2012, 04:09 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(07-29-2012, 11:54 AM)Ruth Wrote:  because I looked at themdaring opener without defined subject. "them" is just to isolated and reliant upon the title
and not your face,
your hands,
the floor, my feet, but mostly atalways a bit dodgy to include feet as there is a risk of comedic effect when not wanted. leave feet out of it. Also knees and elbows
your hands

and so, not required as there is no loose conditionalty. You have dealt with the "because" in S1
I saw the line suggesting
a creative lover,
one that shows
a clever mind,
fertile imagination, and
the mound by your thumb
that indicates passionpunctuation a little clumsy here. Not sure if a semi colon after "imagination" wouldn't help.

covertly why covertly? Why not overtly? Why any ertly? This adds nothing. Cut it.
I read the meaning of your finger shapes
long and articulate,
the depth of your spiritcliche 1
as you moved your hands, and spoke softly to mecliche 2

my own hands were shakingcliche 3
as I rocked
ever so slightly, back and forth

and as I write, I tremble
briefly
at the memory of your hands

Overall a little intense and over concentrated. The format is not languid or sensuous enough for the subject matter. Short lines usually implies short thoughts and you are not in a staccato theatre here. You are trying to express a longing emotion with a machine gun. You are writing free verse so it is up to you to begin and end your lines where you like AFTER the thought has been made manifest. Think short by all means, most of us do, but then write long.
Best,
tectak

thank you - you've given me much to think about

"The format is not languid or sensuous enough for the subject matter." - excellent point, not sure how I will do this, but I see your point.

I'm useless at punctuation in normal writing, and even more so in poetry, so I happily accept all punctuation advice.

cliched: I see your point (and loved the labels), although I didn't see them when I wrote it, I will have to go over this a few more times and work on that

line length: I have generally write free verse with shorter lines, but I think that it may be more of a habit I've fallen into ( I once wrote a "Rant in Free Verse" that had very long lines, but I was ranting ). I think it's as much the visual appearance of the words on paper as where I hear the lines breaks. this goes back to your languid comment (love that word), any suggestion for line breaks?

thanks again, will work on this more.

---

(07-29-2012, 07:33 PM)penguin Wrote:  Nice poem.I think the opening states the case a bit too much.I'd call the poem "your hands" and do this

because I looked at them
and not your face,
the floor, my feet,
your hands

just a suggestion.

I like "covertly", maybe fingers is enough, rather than finger shapes.
I'd cut "softly to me" at the end of that verse.
Be nice to end at "back and forth", I think. Yet more ambivalence and the last 3 lines are edging dangerously close to Mills and Boon.

I had to look up Mills and Boon, and then nearly choked on my coffee!

excellent points, I knew it needed work, but wasn't sure where.

thanks very much!

---

(07-29-2012, 05:19 PM)addy Wrote:  I am intrigued by your narrator. There is a tentativeness in the way she speaks which echoes how she behaves, interpreting the world in shy and secret ways (that in this case affected her normal interaction).

I really enjoyed the piece.

(07-29-2012, 11:54 AM)Ruth Wrote:  because I looked at them
and not your face, should it be a semicolon here? I'm not sure, but there's something about the punctuation that drains focus from the "your hands" line
your hands,
the floor, my feet, but mostly at
your hands

and so, I tripped up here a bit, though I can't fully articulate in what sense-- "and so I saw"--- sonically it complements, but too well that it distracted me, like the beginning of a tongue twister
I saw the line suggesting
a creative lover,
one that shows
a clever mind,
fertile imagination, and
the mound by your thumb
that indicates passion I really like this stanza

covertly
I read the meaning of your finger shapes
long and articulate,
the depth of your spirit
as you moved your hands, a bit late to go back to "hands"... how about palms or something? That's a very minor nit though. and spoke softly to me

my own hands were shaking
as I rocked
ever so slightly, back and forth I don't understand the significance of rocking back and forth so the drama is lost on me.... of course that's my own fault for sucking at body language . Is she nervous?

and as I write, I tremble
briefly
at the memory of your hands

thanks very much, it was tentative, in fact I wasn't sure what I was actually trying to stay, but I'm getting a better idea now.

(07-29-2012, 07:33 PM)penguin Wrote:  Nice poem.I think the opening states the case a bit too much.I'd call the poem "your hands" and do this

because I looked at them
and not your face,
the floor, my feet,
your hands

just a suggestion.

I like "covertly", maybe fingers is enough, rather than finger shapes.
I'd cut "softly to me" at the end of that verse.
Be nice to end at "back and forth", I think. Yet more ambivalence and the last 3 lines are edging dangerously close to Mills and Boon.

I see your point, thanks!
giving this one a complete overhaul

---

because I did not lift my face,
I watched your hands, arms, your elbows, bent and resting lightly on your thighs,
and I watched the floor,
but mostly I watched your hands.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, and
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion.

as we spoke, I saw meanings in their shapes, and
on the floor, I watched our shadows, made from street and candle light in a darkened room
flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me,
and held on until I let go of you.

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows, and
regarding my own hands.

i left some feedback on the revision in the new thread.