Posts: 147
Threads: 80
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Our hands linked together
in a bitter cage.
I wish when I licked my finger,
you would let me turn the page.
I lament day to day
about the wars that we wage.
Tonight,
I killed you
in a frenzied rage.
Only, when I bit off your finger,
would you turn the page.
"Whenever is a really long never"
Posts: 473
Threads: 86
Joined: Jan 2021
(03-30-2022, 11:59 PM)Semicircle Wrote: Our hands linked together
in a bitter cage.
I wish when I licked my finger,
you would let me turn the page.
I lament day to day
about the wars that we wage.
I wish you had let me turn the page.
Tonight,
I killed you
in a frenzied rage.
If only, when I bit off my finger,
would you turn the page.
I really like the first 6 lines. I don't think the repetition of line 7 is needed.
I feel like stanza two needs a little work. I'm confused by the "if only" in the next to last line. Did you mean "Only when I bit off my finger/would you let me turn the page."?
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.” Kurt Vonnegut
Posts: 76
Threads: 10
Joined: May 2022
(03-30-2022, 11:59 PM)Semicircle Wrote: Our hands linked together
in a bitter cage.
I wish when I licked my finger,
you would let me turn the page.
I lament day to day
about the wars that we wage.
You should have let me turn the page. maybe at the end, or not at all?
Tonight,
I killed you
in a frenzied rage.
Only, when I bit off my finger, your implies you use the other's finger to turn the page since they are dead.
would you turn the page.
Posts: 147
Threads: 80
Joined: Feb 2022
(05-11-2022, 09:29 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: (03-30-2022, 11:59 PM)Semicircle Wrote: Our hands linked together
in a bitter cage.
I wish when I licked my finger,
you would let me turn the page.
I lament day to day
about the wars that we wage.
You should have let me turn the page. maybe at the end, or not at all?
Tonight,
I killed you
in a frenzied rage.
Only, when I bit off my finger, your implies you use the other's finger to turn the page since they are dead.
would you turn the page.
Thanks for the suggestions. The "your" really adds a lot to the story.
"Whenever is a really long never"
Posts: 76
Threads: 10
Joined: May 2022
(03-30-2022, 11:59 PM)Semicircle Wrote: Our hands linked together
in a bitter cage.
I wish when I licked my finger, lick
you would let me turn the page. or "would have"
I lament day to day
about the wars that we wage.
Tonight,
I killed you
in a frenzied rage.
Only, when I bit of your finger,
would you turn the page.
Hi Semi,
I like this one too. I did notice a typo in last part "bit OFF your" and the tenses between licked and would in the first part don't seem to match up. Either change to "lick" or "would have" in the next line. Good job!
bryn
