Short Story: Journey

[Dane Dryss]

All my actions cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my words cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my thoughts cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my feelings cannot stop
the journey you will make

So all I have is love for you in
the journey you will make

[billy]

all my actions cannot stop you posting a poem without giving feedback elsewhere?/ mod
please be fair

[Dane Dryss]

all my actions cannot stop you posting a poem without giving feedback elsewhere?/ mod
please be fair

I am sorry about upsetting you.   I was just in a lot of pain and wanted to post this.  I did not get the rules until after I posted this and saw your response.

[rowens]

They always make them journeys. That's why it's spelled journeys and not journies, you ever wondered about that?, because it's always the same journeys everybody do. . . . That's why you have to suck it all up and make a poem. Since everybody make the sa me jurey thoug...h, and we have to rite the differant poem . . . we, or you exclusively, have to write a better poem than all they take. . . . That's how you write poetry that your countrymen wouldn't willingly let die, and not just feel things. Feeling things dont mean nothing, and I know, and this is Miscellaneous. So don't be sorry. Just rent some Craig's List, I mean Cliff Notes on some of the poems in the other critical sections and see if you still feel the same as I do. . . .

---

And the poem makes all the sense in the world. But's not memorable. You have to make it like something's at stake. The pain that you're writing is only as good as the poem you write about it. That's the 1st rule of real poetry.

[billy]

not upset Dane. a little weary maybe i'll leave this thread open and hope now you know you'll do a bit of feedback.

all my actions cannot stop you posting a poem without giving feedback elsewhere?/ mod
please be fair

I am sorry about upsetting you.   I was just in a lot of pain and wanted to post this.  I did not get the rules until after I posted this and saw your response.

feedback for dane;

first off dane, if you use a refrain the lead up to it needs to be really strong, here it's almost refrain on refrain. secondly you need to use some poetic devices such as alliteration, simile, metaphor, consonance etc. if you wish to show pain through text one often needs strong imagery

All my actions cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my words cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my thoughts cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my feelings cannot stop
the journey you will make

So all I have is love for you in
the journey you will make

[Bunx]

Hmm I feel like this poem is relatable, but it could go further and deeper.
what are your actions thoughts and feelings? without explanation there is no context.
I don't know how I feel about the narrator or subject because I feel as if im lacking info.