Perversion

[Richard]

Perversion

I can feel my age
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra.

Do I kiss her neck,
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants?

I want to think my choice matters.

Then it's over:
a mess, an apology,
and I'm red faced.
I feel with a vague certainty
that our bodies have limitations.

I'm scared,
I know this will happen again;
actually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.

[thegaslights]

I like this. It's a clever and unexpected comparison, done well. It's something everyone (of a certain age) can relate to and read into. I only have a couple comments. 

First, the title reminds me a little bit of a dad-joke style pun. The poem is at times funny and the pun is of course intended, but for me it didn't quite match the overall tone of the poem itself. This is a style choice though and I can see a good argument for keeping it. 


[quote="Richard" pid='229619' dateline='1496098836']
Perversion

I can feel my age
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra. damn. nice work. super clear but still interesting and unexpected.  

Do I kiss her neck,
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants? these three lines are lacking the punch and double duty of the rest of the poem. Which is fine for narrative building. Just nitpicking here. But everything after this can be interpreted in both scenarios of the failing health of age and sexual inexperience.

I want to think my choice matters. i like this as a thinking line. I didn't immediately like it, but I'm coming back to it more. 

Then it's over:
a mess, an apology,
and I'm red faced.
I feel with a vague certainty vague, eh? seems pretty specific in your telling 
that our bodies have limitations.

I'm scared,
I know this will happen again;
actually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.  i would cut "even"

Fun read, thanks!

[Richard]

Hey thegaslights,
Thanks for the feedback. I was worried that the double meaning of some of the lines wasn't that clear, so it's nice to see that I was wrong about that.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

I quite liked this. Here are some comments for you.

Perversion--Versatile title. First, it makes the reader want to read the poem. Then it could be both the breakdown of something from its original design or something thought of as sexually deviant. You use both definitions in the poem so quite versatile.

I can feel my age-Perfect first line. It sets up the extended conceit of the poem. How do we deal with age and mortality compared with how we dealt with sexuality. There's a long history of comparing sex and death so this isn't uncharted thematic ground--but you handle it well. none of this reads as stale.
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra.--wonderful line. The idea of wanting to appear in control and suffering from anxiety and uncertainty. A wonderfully visual example to describe an internal conflict which is made even better when you reflect back on the content of your first line.

Do I kiss her neck,
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants?--The mortality question but what comes next. The constant thought that you could derail everything by getting the sequence wrong. Again you tell this issue so well with the imagery and conceit that you make the actual content more poignant.  The perversion if you will is death.

I want to think my choice matters.--The crux of it all. A Beautiful thematic line that deserves its isolated placement. I like the formatting as it stands. I'd be tempted though to look at pulling Then it's over up under this line and put the strophe break beneath it (starting the next strophe with "a mess, an apology,"

Then it's over:--Both concepts blend together well in this line.
a mess, an apology,--Life as premature ejaculate and apologies--sad commentary. Love this.
and I'm red faced.--I don't think this line adds much. Red-faced (I think needs a hyphen) if you keep it is simply overdone. I think it's stronger cutting the line.
I feel with a vague certainty--Love the oxymoron. Vague certainty sums up many of the issues surrounding sex and mortality.
that our bodies have limitations.--This is very well thought out.

I'm scared,--Nice humanizing line for the speaker.
I know this will happen again;
actually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.--Such a suprisingly morbid twist. This is where the persersion title really pays off. It is perverse to think in this way, and awesome.

Thoroughly enjoyed this piece. I didn't have much to critique in it. I do hope though that the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. I was a bit unsure if this piece was working when I wrote it, so I'm happy to see that uncertainty was misplaced.

Thanks again,
Richard

[tectak]

Perversion

I can feel my age
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra.This is rather a good opener more because it defines the tone of the whole poem. I normally hack away at punctuation but readily accept that if the line is structured well enough, punctuation diminishes in importance...here, there is but a slight problem which has more to do with defining the metaphor as just that, or stating a fact. In other words, the character feels his age because he IS a nervous adolescent undoing (her) bra. There is, then, a failure of expressed intent but it is a small nit. So: "I can feel my age, (I AM) a nervous adolescent about to undo her bra." fits better in to the scape of the next and following stanzas. 

Do I kiss her neck,
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants?Yes to this. A great hesitancy. Of course, the order matters not BUT it is of exagerrated importance to the character...so this works well. It would work better if the next line was not offset into splendid isolation. Surely, it belongs with its source thought. your poem.

I want to think my choice matters.

Then it's over:
a mess, an apology,
and I'm red faced.
I feel with a vague certaintyOddly odd but strangely normal...a "vague certainty" sounds better than it is. Suggestion only: " I feel with a confirmed certainty that our bodies have limitations". In other words, that vague suspicion of inadequacy has turned in to an uncomfortable truth.
that our bodies have limitations.

I'm scared,Period. Gotta be.
I know this will happen again;
actually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.Good good good. I do hope that the character yearns for an even worse ending if only to derive some comfort from the belief that there COULD BE a worse ending. A great ending.

Good read, Richard...but where is the perversion? The title is demonstrably shaky. Even "Aversion" would make more sense....
This is me liking it.
Best,
tectak

[Richard]

Hey tectak,
Thanks for the feedback. I am always happy to accept some grammar suggestions. As for the title, Todd pretty much nailed its purpose in his critique.

Thanks again,
Richard

[crow]

Proofers Edit

Perversion
—no ital, generally

I can feel my age[,]
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra.

Do I kiss her neck,
—consider "should"
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants?

I want to think my choice matters.

Then it's over:
a mess, an apology,
and I'm red[-]faced.
I feel with a vague certainty
that our bodies have limitations.
—consider "limits"

I'm scared,
I know this will happen again[.]
[A]ctually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.

—I think you should chuck punctuation rules. You've got serial comma troubles. You tried a semi, a colon, the odd preposition. Just get rid of them all and find write arounds where needs be.

On a more general level, I have a hard time construing the narrative as being about anything other than rape or prostitution. I don't guess that's an edit, just wanted to say.

[Richard]

Hey crow,
Thanks for the feedback. I like some of the suggestions you made about the wording and grammar.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Brownlie]

Perversion

I can feel my age - you can or you feel it. Does she give a flying piece of roasted poop?
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra. -- Bleh, so what? 

Do I kiss her neck,
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants? -- Gotta take off pants if you want to have sex. kinda like logistics. 

I want to think my choice matters. -- What choice is there? Are you giving her drugs or something? idk, it's bumpin uglies. Gross if the speaker is giving her drugs or something. 

Then it's over:
a mess, an apology,
and I'm red faced.
I feel with a vague certainty
that our bodies have limitations.

I'm scared, 
I know this will happen again; 
actually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.

idk, i don't like the title "perversion."  I'm not a big fan of yearners in general. I mean whatever. Lots of crap is screwed up. Just try not to be an a-hole or something.

[tectak]

Perversion

I can feel my age - you can or you feel it. Does she give a flying piece of roasted poop?
like a nervous adolescent undoing a bra. -- Bleh, so what? 

Do I kiss her neck,
turn off the lights,
or take off my pants? -- Gotta take off pants if you want to have sex. kinda like logistics. 

I want to think my choice matters. -- What choice is there? Are you giving her drugs or something? idk, it's bumpin uglies. Gross if the speaker is giving her drugs or something. 

Then it's over:
a mess, an apology,
and I'm red faced.
I feel with a vague certainty
that our bodies have limitations.

I'm scared, 
I know this will happen again; 
actually, part of me
yearns
for an even worse ending.

idk, i don't like the title "perversion."  I'm not a big fan of yearners in general. I mean whatever. Lots of crap is screwed up. Just try not to be an a-hole or something.

Steady on Brownlie. You are losing the plot in favour of your own ambitions. Result for you, but remember that it is not about you...it is about the poem. Mod.