The Cherry trees
#1
Final edit for now thanks to all for the help

In heavy rain
underneath dripping branches
we dispersed you,
watched you,
watered down swirling into eddies,
sinking underground.

You'd burst bright into life
all pink and white,
our summers waiting
for your first smile.

I'd like to think it was the sunlight
filtered through the white blossom,
that found the corner of your mouth
and snatched away your breath,
but they never really told us.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the farm yard mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime that made me
close the door.

I pour myself some tea
and look to the garden,
the trees now are fully grown,
and still they lay down
their blankets,
giving up each short life
to help keep you warm,
as they do every year.


Edit 2

In heavy rain
underneath dripping branches
we dispersed you, watched you,
swirling into eddies, watered down
sinking underground.

Maybe it was the sunlight,
filtered through the white blossom,
or Spring's first false whisper
that found the corner of your mouth,
carried you away,
a milky sweetness on the breeze,
drifting out beyond the trees,
trading your breath as nectar
to help each flower grow.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime
that made me close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees have grown
yet still they lay down their blankets,
giving up each bright short life
to keep you warm,
as they do every year.


Edit 01 Ray, achebe, Todd.

We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
flickered above your troubled face.

Morning couldn't help itself,
the damp had just left the ground,
insects came out to play
and you,
you were lost in a lullaby
that whispered tones of sky blue.

Maybe it was the milk bubbles
at the corner of your mouth
that carried you away,
a moments sweetness on the breeze,
trading your breath as nectar to each flower.

I've read all the other theories

In heavy rain
underneath those same branches
we dispersed you,
watched you,
watered down swirling into eddies,
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime that made me
close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid down
their blankets,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.



Original
We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting
for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
softened the sting
on delicate eyes.
It was a perfect morning
the damp had just left the ground,
insects had come to play
and you were lost to its
lullaby.

I would like to think
the beauty of that day
took away your breath
but there are other theories
I've read too many times.

On a cold blustery day
underneath those branches
we dispersed you, watered down
swirling into eddies
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our empty home
I made tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid
their blankets over you,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#2
Sometimes all we can do is make tea. This is a wonderful poem.

01     We nearly called you May
02     but they wanted to name you Blossom,
03     you burst bright into life
04     all pink and white,
05     summer still waiting
06     for your smile.
07    
08     The pram could move
09     from car to cradle,
10     carried under filtered sunlight,
11     a cherry flower canopy
12     softened the sting
13     on delicate eyes.
14     It was a perfect morning
15     the damp had just left the ground,
16     insects had come to play
17     and you were lost to its
18     lullaby.
19    
----------------------------------------------------------
5-6 Combine them to make one line?
12 maybe another word than "sting"
13 "on your delicate eyes" ?
13-14 add line break between 13 and 14

16 I'd add a "the" at the first
17 I know "its" refers to "morning" and not "insects"
    because one's plural and one ain't but...
    there's still a bit of a stumble there for the reader

17 why not "lost in"
18 combine with 17
----------------------------------------------------------
20     I would like to think
21     the beauty of that day
22     took away your breath
23     but there are other theories
24     I've read too many times.
25    
26     On a cold blustery day
27     underneath those branches
28     we dispersed you, watered down
29     swirling into eddies
30     sinking underground.
31    
32     In the quiet of our empty home
33     I made tea
34     and looked to the garden,
35     the trees had laid
36     their blankets over you,
37     giving up their short life
38     to keep you warm,
39    
40     as they do every year.
------------------------------------------------------
23-24 need re-phrasing -- just deleting 24 sort of works, but no...
    it needs to be stated differently
    or maybe you could delete both and leave it to the reader
    deleting both works for me

26 "cold" is unnecessary
27 "those same" instead of "those" ?

28-30 need to be rephrased
    "watered down" seems awkward to me
    maybe:
                we dispersed you
                watched you
                as you settled to the ground
    this leaves out the water's action, which I love,
    but maybe it's necessary?
    anyway, you need to re-work it

32 "empty" isn't necessary
36 "blanket", no need for plural
37 "their" is confusing as it seems to refer to the trees
    leaves have a short life, but trees don't -- rephrase

Hope that helps. A beautiful poem; has a heart to it
that will out no matter how it's phrased.
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#3
(01-29-2016, 06:40 PM)Keith Wrote:  We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting
for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
softened the sting
on delicate eyes.  above 4 lines - beautiful
It was a perfect morning
the damp had just left the ground,
insects had come to play one too many 'hads'?
and you were lost to its
lullaby.

I would like to think
the beauty of that day a bit bland
took away your breath
but there are other theories
I've read too many times.

On a cold blustery day double adjective mars the line
underneath those branches
we dispersed you, watered down
swirling into eddies
sinking underground. nice image

In the quiet of our empty home
I made tea unexpected and effective
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid
their blankets over you,
giving up their short life beautiful
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.

thanks for the read
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Reply
#4
Keith,

This is really beautiful work. There are a few adjustments you can make that will really bring this one out even more fully. Here are some thoughts:

(01-29-2016, 06:40 PM)Keith Wrote:  We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting
for your smile.--Moving from static naming to the motion of life. The entire burst sequence to the end--effective, visual, I'm fully hooked at this point. 

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,--filtered is such a nice choice to show the bubble we want to build around babies to protect them. 
a cherry flower canopy
softened the sting
on delicate eyes.--delicate is almost a call out for me. I'm not totally against it but it reads a bit shorthand to me. There may be a better option to get here.
It was a perfect morning --While I realize that there's irony in this line, it still feels like the poem would be stronger without it, or with some reworked alternative. It's just very flat reportage sounding next to everything else. In a worse poem it wouldn't stand out as much.
the damp had just left the ground,--lovely phrasing
insects had come to play
and you were lost to its--Its doesn't feel right here.
lullaby. --Given the content this is an effective one word line. It's a very sad one word line, but it has the power to hold its place.

I would like to think
the beauty of that day--Something more specific here rather than the abstract bland beauty of that day. It would work fine in prose but falls flat here. 
took away your breath --Strong in its restraint.
but there are other theories
I've read too many times. 

On a cold blustery day
underneath those branches--reminds of when the bough breaks 
we dispersed you, watered down--This sequence to the end of the strophe is powerful. 
swirling into eddies
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our empty home--There may be a line you can add after the subtly captures the feeling of this quiet more. You may optionally want to dig into the reader more. 
I made tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid
their blankets over you,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.--gorgeous, sad payoff. No complaints on how you handled this.
Again lovely work, Keith.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#5
Ray, Achebe and Todd,
Please don't think me rude for not coming back sooner, each time I tried an edit nothing was really working, anyway, thank you very much for all your comments, the feedback you gave was excellent, giving me lots to take into the edit. I think I have addressed most issues but may have gone a bit over the top. Once again many thanks. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#6
I finally got round to a second edit.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#7
Hi Keith,

It's a lot different but still thematically on point. I worry that I'm reading the original into this version and I wonder if the subject would come across as clearly without the opening about names or the pram. It's a concern but it's still a lovely poem.

(01-29-2016, 06:40 PM)Keith Wrote:  Edit 2

In heavy rain--I could also view heavy rain as a metaphor for depression and loss
underneath dripping branches
we dispersed you,
watched you,--Possibly pull up watered down to have that parallel structure closer on one line.
watered down swirling into eddies,
sinking underground.--Your sonics here are gorgeous (assonance, consonance). It also flows well with the content underneath, underground. The entire swirling into eddies. This idea of going into the underworld. 

Maybe it was the sunlight,
filtered through the white blossom,--lovely image
or springs first false whisper--I love first false whisper. While you don't have to capitalize spring as your not personifying it that completely. I think you do need an apostrophe spring's. 
that found the corner of your mouth,
carried you away,
a milky sweetness on the breeze,--That is a poignant line. The loss through a smell. Nice choice
drifting out beyond the trees,
trading your breath as nectar
to help each flower grow.--Love this return to the earth and blend with nature imagery. There is renewal but there is loss.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the mobile above your cot--This sets the age and gives a hint of who the you is mentioned above.
clicked on,
a single chime that made me--Not liking the break on me. Perhaps on made or close.
close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid down
their blankets,
giving up their short life--the comparison is strong. 
to keep you warm,
as they do every year.--There is such a back and forth sorrow/wistful sense about this. Strong close.
I think the revision is an improvement though you still may want to alter the title to include some aspect of "They Wanted to Name You Blossom" into it. I think the title needs to carry slightly more exposition to keep the emotional connection strong throughout.

This was and continues to be one of my favorite pieces by you.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#8
@todd
Thank you for your continued support with the poem, I must say I share your concern about how the edit comes across when stood alone. That's the main reason I move up the scattering of ashes because I wanted to put down the breadcrumbs for the reader. It definitely needs a new title as it was originally a NaPo poem, problem is I suck at titles, so need to try harder. I've looked at everything you comment on and made a few tweets as suggested. Thank again Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#9
In heavy rain
underneath dripping branches
we dispersed you, watched you,
swirling into eddies, watered down
sinking underground.

Maybe it was the sunlight,
filtered through the white blossom,
or Spring's first false whisper
that found the corner of your mouth,
carried you away,
a milky sweetness on the breeze,
drifting out beyond the trees,
trading your breath as nectar
to help each flower grow.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime
that made me close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid down
their blankets,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,
as they do every year.



Keith
It's a beautiful, precious, poem
I liked every version.
Poetry is what you do,
and you do it very well.

nibbed
Janine Burke
there's always a better reason to love

Reply
#10
@Nibbed
Thank you for the kind words. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#11
I liked the names in the previous version, which gave the poem a personal touch.


(01-29-2016, 06:40 PM)Keith Wrote:  Edit 2

In heavy rain
underneath dripping branches ..I like 'dripping branches'
we dispersed you, watched you, ...don't like the second 'you'. Maybe 'dispersed you, watched/ as you swirled etc'
swirling into eddies, watered down
sinking underground. ....this is a fine sentence, but reads too much like prose. I wonder if it might not be better to do away with 

Maybe it was the sunlight,
filtered through the white blossom,
or Spring's first false whisper 
that found the corner of your mouth,
carried you away, ... I think 'maybe' weakens the strophe overall, because it's obviously imagined anyway.
a milky sweetness on the breeze, 
drifting out beyond the trees,
trading your breath as nectar 
to help each flower grow. ...the second strophe is a bit overdone. Don't have any suggestions though

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting, ...'lemon walls' is a favourite
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime
that made me close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid down ....the line length reads a little awkward to me. I'd have preferred '....laid down their blankets / etc'
their blankets,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,
as they do every year. 


Edit 01 Ray, achebe, Todd.

We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
flickered above your troubled face.

Morning couldn't help itself,
the damp had just left the ground,
insects came out to play
and you,
you were lost in a lullaby
that whispered tones of sky blue.

Maybe it was the milk bubbles
at the corner of your mouth
that carried you away,
a moments sweetness on the breeze,
trading your breath as nectar to each flower.

I've read all the other theories

In heavy rain
underneath those same branches
we dispersed you,
watched you,
watered down swirling into eddies,
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime that made me
close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid down
their blankets,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.



Original
We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting
for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
softened the sting
on delicate eyes.
It was a perfect morning
the damp had just left the ground,
insects had come to play
and you were lost to its
lullaby.

I would like to think
the beauty of that day
took away your breath
but there are other theories
I've read too many times.

On a cold blustery day
underneath those branches
we dispersed you, watered down
swirling into eddies
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our empty home
I made tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid
their blankets over you,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Reply
#12
I have read all three iterations and liked all three separately for different qualities.

I think the third is the best for the music to it and the strangeness but it almost reads like a separate poem than the first which was already quite good.

The ending feels /just right/ - so right in fact that it is easy to miss the chronological dissonance of it.

Still, once you have caught it, it niggles at you until you can't ignore it,
Reply
#13
Beautiful poem. Felt like I was in your words.
Reply
#14
@achebe, thank you for your comments all really helpful that helped shape the edit.
@milo, really appreciate the help milo, all in the edit and I tried to address the last stanza.
@mandy, thank you for the kind words, best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#15
Hi Keith,
This is a wonderful poem you've got here. Just a thought on the beginning below
(01-29-2016, 06:40 PM)Keith Wrote:  Final edit for now thanks to all for the help
On the beginning, I do agree with Achebe on how the names were good. I enjoyed them for how personal they seemed to the narrator.
In heavy rain
underneath dripping branches
we dispersed you,
watched you,
watered down swirling into eddies, 
sinking underground.

You'd burst bright into life
all pink and white,
our summers waiting
for your first smile.

I'd like to think it was the sunlight
filtered through the white blossom,
that found the corner of your mouth
and snatched away your breath,
but they never really told us.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the farm yard mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime that made me
close the door.

I pour myself some tea
and look to the garden,
the trees now are fully grown,
and still they lay down
their blankets,
giving up each short life
to help keep you warm,
as they do every year.


Edit 2

In heavy rain
underneath dripping branches
we dispersed you, watched you,
swirling into eddies, watered down
sinking underground.

Maybe it was the sunlight,
filtered through the white blossom,
or Spring's first false whisper
that found the corner of your mouth,
carried you away,
a milky sweetness on the breeze,
drifting out beyond the trees,
trading your breath as nectar
to help each flower grow.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime
that made me close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees have grown
yet still they lay down their blankets,
giving up each bright short life
to keep you warm,
as they do every year.


Edit 01 Ray, achebe, Todd.

We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
flickered above your troubled face.

Morning couldn't help itself,
the damp had just left the ground,
insects came out to play
and you,
you were lost in a lullaby
that whispered tones of sky blue.

Maybe it was the milk bubbles
at the corner of your mouth
that carried you away,
a moments sweetness on the breeze,
trading your breath as nectar to each flower.

I've read all the other theories

In heavy rain
underneath those same branches
we dispersed you,
watched you,
watered down swirling into eddies,
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our home
lemon walls were waiting,
the mobile above your cot
clicked on,
a single chime that made me
close the door.

I poured some tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid down
their blankets,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.



Original
We nearly called you May
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting
for your smile.

The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,
a cherry flower canopy
softened the sting
on delicate eyes.
It was a perfect morning
the damp had just left the ground,
insects had come to play
and you were lost to its
lullaby.

I would like to think
the beauty of that day
took away your breath
but there are other theories
I've read too many times.

On a cold blustery day
underneath those branches
we dispersed you, watered down
swirling into eddies
sinking underground.

In the quiet of our empty home
I made tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid
their blankets over you,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,

as they do every year.

Again, the final edit is a wonderful read. The imagery is so crisp and reads warmly in spite of the subject (forgive me if I'm wrong) being the death of a baby son/daughter. Thank you kindly for the read.
Reply
#16
@alexorande Thank you for you comment, I have desided to park this one for a while and come back to it with fresh eyes. I will consider you comment about names when I do. And yes you have interpreted the subject correctly. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#17
Keith,

I'm all for pruning, but I read the final version first and it really made little sense to me, until I went back and read the earlier drafts. You cut some very beautiful lines.

"its" should be "theirs"

best,


dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#18
(10-07-2017, 03:28 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Keith,

I'm all for pruning, but I read the final version first and it really made little sense to me, until I went back and read the earlier drafts. You cut some very beautiful lines.

"its" should be "theirs"

best,


dale

Thanks Erthona, yes I need to let this one settle a little while. I didnt know I had an its that should be a theirs, I'll need to look harder. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#19
I miss the milk bubbles from edit 1. Just want to let you know for when you come around to this again, or for something else, it was perfect to me.
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