Missing
#1
It was a strange sensation,
lying upside-down on a grass bank,
looking at the sun to see flying saucers.
I remember a tear as they took you,
your face a back seat white spot.

I've watched the skies for your return.
My body has been snatched
but it still thinks and talks the same.
My thin skin is easily peeled
to reveal a younger man than me.

Did you ever try to escape
or settle in some place with me erased?
An artist amongst the zebra
with too much water on your brush.

You will recognise me if you look,
I'm lying upside-down, staring at the sun
waiting for the same sensation.
My colours now are black and white,
the stripes remind me to forget.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#2
Hey Keith-

I'll be damned if I can make sense of this, like something's missing... oh yeah that's the title.

I will need to chew on this one before I can offer anything more concrete, but the title sure is appropriate.

Thanks for surreal read,
... Mark
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#3
Sorry, can't really comment on this.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#4
(07-01-2015, 07:23 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hey Keith-

I'll be damned if I can make sense of this, like something's missing... oh yeah that's the title.

I will need to chew on this one before I can offer anything more concrete, but the title sure is appropriate.

Thanks for surreal read,
... Mark

Thanks for taking the time to read and feedback Mark, I guess it needs more work. Best Keith

(07-01-2015, 08:40 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Sorry, can't really comment on this.

Dale

No worries Dale, cheers Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#5
Hi Keith,  this one seems to be causing some confusion and I would agree that it perhaps needs a few more bits either removing or adding to aid the reader...although once i got a story line going I enjoyed it emensly and the element of traversing the surreal connections was the enjoyable part for me.   I will let you know what I read into this one, might be a million miles off but actually I am happy enough with the read I've given it....I found it quite poignant. 
 I get a lot of lost childhood and perhaps a best friend / first love who's parents (aliens) moved away.  I felt a sense of the longing and the writers regret for becoming just another homeginised and boring adult (Zebra)hidden in plain view. (having traded the excitment of childhood games looking for aliens  - Adults)
(06-30-2015, 09:17 AM)Keith Wrote:  It was a strange sensation,
lying upside-down on a grass bank,
looking at the sun to see flying saucers.  Love your opening lines they hook me into an intriging image that i am not sure what i am looking for or who is speaking.  But it is playful and at the same time almost sinister.
I remember a tear as they took you,
your face a back seat white spot.   This initially confused me untill my thrid read when the image of a childs fearful (white) face seen dissapearing over the horizon would become a white spot.  I think it might be the singular tear the voice has commented on..but then if this is a male voice (because I can't work out any gender and it does not reslly matter a boy trying to be brave in front of a friend would not admit to tears so singular it is then and my speaker is a boy / man)

I've watched the skies for your return,  Think this should be a period at the end of this line.
my body has been snatched  commar here
but it still thinks and talks the same,  ?punctuation here I want to suggest a semi colon.
my skin is thin and easily peeled,
it would reveal a younger man than me.  these last two line I would suggest a slight reworking to make the overall sentance construct of this stanza to improve the flow of the read - it feels word heavy and stilted.  Perhaps:     my thin skin, easily peeled
                                                                                                                               to reveal a younger man than me.


Did you ever try to escape
or settle in some place with me erased,  maybe a question mark here.
an artist amongst the zebra   ...and then capitalise this next line.  Love the introduction to the image / details of a budding artist in the story.  
with too much water on your brush.  Love this stanza.  think the subtle use of the image of a zebra is to convey the lostness and camoflage against the herds of ordinary humanity v clever.  also then the nextline for me links into the tear with the referance that the voice is thinking that the feelings of pain at the seperation were hard to bare for the one who was abducted away.

You will recognise me if you look,
I'm lying upside-down, staring at the sun
waiting for the same sensation.
My colours now are black and white,
the stripes remind me to forget.   Like the loop back to the start.  The inner child who has never forgotten and is still longing to return to those days.  Poignant read for me and v cleverly done.   I would suggest that this one only needs a few tweeks rather than a drastic cut.

All the best AJ.
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#6
simply loved it.
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#7
i can say that in miscellaneous Wink
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#8
(07-07-2015, 04:47 PM)billy Wrote:  i can say that in miscellaneous Wink

Ah this is misc is it?...oh well ...short version of above verbage -  i also loved it Big Grin
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#9
(07-07-2015, 04:33 PM)cidermaid Wrote:  Hi Keith,  this one seems to be causing some confusion and I would agree that it perhaps needs a few more bits either removing or adding to aid the reader...although once i got a story line going I enjoyed it emensly and the element of traversing the surreal connections was the enjoyable part for me.   I will let you know what I read into this one, might be a million miles off but actually I am happy enough with the read I've given it....I found it quite poignant. 
 I get a lot of lost childhood and perhaps a best friend / first love who's parents (aliens) moved away.  I felt a sense of the longing and the writers regret for becoming just another homeginised and boring adult (Zebra)hidden in plain view. (having traded the excitment of childhood games looking for aliens  - Adults)
(06-30-2015, 09:17 AM)Keith Wrote:  It was a strange sensation,
lying upside-down on a grass bank,
looking at the sun to see flying saucers.  Love your opening lines they hook me into an intriging image that i am not sure what i am looking for or who is speaking.  But it is playful and at the same time almost sinister.
I remember a tear as they took you,
your face a back seat white spot.   This initially confused me untill my thrid read when the image of a childs fearful (white) face seen dissapearing over the horizon would become a white spot.  I think it might be the singular tear the voice has commented on..but then if this is a male voice (because I can't work out any gender and it does not reslly matter a boy trying to be brave in front of a friend would not admit to tears so singular it is then and my speaker is a boy / man)

I've watched the skies for your return,  Think this should be a period at the end of this line.
my body has been snatched  commar here
but it still thinks and talks the same,  ?punctuation here I want to suggest a semi colon.
my skin is thin and easily peeled,
it would reveal a younger man than me.  these last two line I would suggest a slight reworking to make the overall sentance construct of this stanza to improve the flow of the read - it feels word heavy and stilted.  Perhaps:     my thin skin, easily peeled
                                                                                                                               to reveal a younger man than me.


Did you ever try to escape
or settle in some place with me erased,  maybe a question mark here.
an artist amongst the zebra   ...and then capitalise this next line.  Love the introduction to the image / details of a budding artist in the story.  
with too much water on your brush.  Love this stanza.  think the subtle use of the image of a zebra is to convey the lostness and camoflage against the herds of ordinary humanity v clever.  also then the nextline for me links into the tear with the referance that the voice is thinking that the feelings of pain at the seperation were hard to bare for the one who was abducted away.

You will recognise me if you look,
I'm lying upside-down, staring at the sun
waiting for the same sensation.
My colours now are black and white,
the stripes remind me to forget.   Like the loop back to the start.  The inner child who has never forgotten and is still longing to return to those days.  Poignant read for me and v cleverly done.   I would suggest that this one only needs a few tweeks rather than a drastic cut.

All the best AJ.

Many thanks AJ you have saved me from a major re write, and you have offered some great feedback that I will take into an edit. Where would I be without your ability to see through the unclear, very much appreciate everything you have done here. Best Keith

(07-07-2015, 04:47 PM)billy Wrote:  simply loved it.

many thanks billy, much appreciated, Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#10
Hi Keith,

I've been reading this off and on for awhile, and I'm glad to finally get to comment on it. I noticed the spotlight and understand why it was given. You've got something here that's worth coming back to. I'm not entirely sure of my interpretation, and I'm not asking for clarity, but I will walk through my thoughts on the poem in hope that they may be helpful.

(06-30-2015, 09:17 AM)Keith Wrote:  It was a strange sensation,
lying upside-down on a grass bank,
looking at the sun to see flying saucers.--This is a really solid opening. Playing off the title, we think alien abduction. It also sits as a nice metaphor for having someone leave your life inexplicably, and suddenly, as if by outside agency.
I remember a tear as they took you,--This can be read two ways. I remember a tear (meaning I felt sad), or I remember a tear (a hole opening in the sky). They implies the aliens. Though I keep thinking of that Train song 50 Ways to Say Goodbye and the excuses we make to ourselves, and our friends, and family as to why it all ended.
your face a back seat white spot.--This makes me think the speaker is remembering looking in a rear view mirror as the alien spotlight bore down on the missing partner. It also makes me think that the missing element happened out of the corner of the eye something glimpsed but not fully understood.

I've watched the skies for your return,--Great line, building on the conceit
my body has been snatched--I love how you turned this around, as the loss of the other person has caused something to be missing in the speaker.
but it still thinks and talks the same,
my skin is thin and easily peeled,--Has a nice invasion of the body snatcher's vibe. It's also very visual imagery.
it would reveal a younger man than me.--interesting. Its as if the speaker is trying to retreat to a younger self, to a less complicated painful time.

Did you ever try to escape--You might consider moving up or settle to this line as it could say than that the person felt they were settling with the speaker, so you'd be asking did you ever lower your bar. Just a thought. It would also read well with the next line.
or settle in some place with me erased,--The with me erased adds a poignancy to this thought.
an artist amongst the zebra
with too much water on your brush.--I like how this sounds. I'm just not a painter and have no sense of how to interpret.

You will recognise me if you look,--This has a nice symmetry to the opening.
I'm lying upside-down, staring at the sun
waiting for the same sensation.--Nice subtle shift.
My colours now are black and white,--I have become landscape.
the stripes remind me to forget.--forgeting is the only solace.
Nice work, Keith!

I've enjoyed my many readings of this.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#11
Hi Todd
Many thanks for the effort you have put into this, it really is appreciated, and you seem to have the measure of it, I like the idea of moving up settle so that will go into the edit along with some of AJ's suggestion. Thanks for taking the time and the suggestions. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#12
(07-25-2015, 04:06 PM)Allysum Wrote:  
(06-30-2015, 09:17 AM)Keith Wrote:  It was a strange sensation,
lying upside-down on a grass bank,
looking at the sun to see flying saucers.
I remember a tear as they took you,
your face a back seat white spot.

I've watched the skies for your return,
my body has been snatched
but it still thinks and talks the same,
my skin is thin and easily peeled,
it would reveal a younger man than me.

Did you ever try to escape
or settle in some place with me erased,
an artist amongst the zebra
with too much water on your brush.

You will recognise me if you look,
I'm lying upside-down, staring at the sun
waiting for the same sensation.
My colours now are black and white,
the stripes remind me to forget.

WOW---so far, BEST one I've read yet...and I just started! I really like your words>>> 1. "An artist amongst the zebra/with too much water on your brush" 2. That you change the same metaphor into an analogy...Perfectly hooked....and "awed."

Hi allysum,
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#13
Keith, what I love about your poems are the "atmospherics" of them.  I can't think of a better way to put it now.  When I read your stuff (your best stuff, anyway), they draw me into their atmosphere, as if I've entered a strange place for the first time.  That's a real talent.

In this one, it was "loss", of course.  But you really stuck to your own experiential vision of it, what you were chasing down, and that atmosphere was so prevalent to me, like its very own smell.  

Good stuff.
You can't hate me more than I hate myself.  I win.

"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."

feedback award
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#14
(08-01-2015, 11:31 AM)NobodyNothing Wrote:  Keith, what I love about your poems are the "atmospherics" of them.  I can't think of a better way to put it now.  When I read your stuff (your best stuff, anyway), they draw me into their atmosphere, as if I've entered a strange place for the first time.  That's a real talent.

In this one, it was "loss", of course.  But you really stuck to your own experiential vision of it, what you were chasing down, and that atmosphere was so prevalent to me, like its very own smell.  

Good stuff.

Hi NN you are very kind to say such things, very happy you enjoyed the poem, I guess I like to read poetry that has a beginning, middle and an end, and something that leaves me as a reader thinking, oh yeh I never thought of it like that, or yes I can see that and I've never seen it before. My would be "better" poems only come about with support and insight from members of the site, such as yourself and for that I am grateful. Thank You Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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