Quaking Aspen

[Brownie]

[Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGB8zJNRpRI]

Aspen in the Fall of Summer's wane
Turn their leaves like the pages of life
Through seasons of comedy and tragedy in vain
As chapters fill with harmony and strife

But, beauty permeates their words none the less
As the wind rustles through their fires of gold
Bringing the song of the easing stress
And tides of peace roll in to take hold

Their heartwood easily with time grows soft
As their eyes gently age with each passing year
Their gaze ever fixed skyward aloft
Reveling in their journey of faith without fear

These golden haired children of the West well abide
With growth from the roots of one single seed
Together they shine like crowns upon a hillside
And commune as one in their time of need

If there is one lesson that the aspen teach well
It's don't hesitate to fall humbly to the ground
Don't cling to treetops, come down for a spell
And let your soul be nourished with Love all around

Let your quaking be still for a while and wait
Rest your worries beneath warm blankets of snow
What happens to you is not up for debate
For His Springs shall allow your new leaves to grow

---

Tried to embed a video. I'll figure it out later

[HalfOpenArms]

Brownie,

I think this was mostly a very good effort. Most of your images are consistent and vivid. Your rhyming is mostly very natural, except where noted in S6. Your meter, however, is not, and is more often "off" than "on." Some of your lines are 1-2 syllables too long, which isn't too difficult to fix. Others are simply clunky, metrically speaking ("Through seasons of comedy and tragedy in vain"), which is more difficult to fix. I think the poem would benefit greatly if you were to punctuate correctly. Also, I don't think S5 is vital to the poem, and if I were you, I would omit it. I may have gotten a bit carried away with my critique, since we are in Mild. But if I didn't enjoy your poem, I wouldn't have spent so much time critiquing it, so take it as a compliment!

[Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGB8zJNRpRI]

Aspen in the Fall of Summer's wane ( I suggest you set off "in the Fall of Summer's wane" with commas.)
Turn their leaves like the pages of life (Your meter's a bit wonky here.)
Through seasons of comedy and tragedy in vain (Here, too.)
As chapters fill with harmony and strife (Period.)

But, beauty permeates their words none the less (Omit the comma after "but.")
As the wind rustles through their fires of gold (Are the leaves pages or fires? Be consistent with your metaphors.)
Bringing the song of the easing stress (You use the definite article "the" as if I've already been introduced to this song. I haven't, so use "a" instead. Also, what is a song of easing stress? Do you mean a song that eases stress?)
And tides of peace roll in to take hold

Their heartwood easily with time grows soft (Heartwood is a very, very good word.
As their eyes gently age with each passing year (Change "as" to "and." You seem to use "as" as a crutch, even where "and" would do.)
Their gaze ever fixed skyward aloft (I think this is redundant.)
Reveling in their journey of faith without fear (Good alliteration.)

These golden haired children of the West well abide (Should "golden haired" be hyphenated?)
With growth from the roots of one single seed (All of the aspens grew out of a single seed?)
Together they shine like crowns upon a hillside (Good imagery.)
And commune as one in their time of need (This is the strongest stanza of the poem, in my opinion. But I'm not quite sure how aspens would "commune as one in there time of need." What is their time of need, anyway? Winter? Clarify.)

If there is one lesson that the aspen teach well
It's don't hesitate to fall humbly to the ground ("It's don't" is pretty awkward, not to mention grammatically incorrect.)
Don't cling to treetops, come down for a spell
And let your soul be nourished with Love all around (Honestly, I think the poem could do without this stanza. It's mostly trite. "Soul" and "love" are buzzwords, and immediately make me skeptical of the poems in which they appear.)

Let your quaking be still for a while and wait (Nice alliteration. I like this line. But I'm left wondering--can quaking be still?)
Rest your worries beneath warm blankets of snow (Isn't this oxymoronic?)
What happens to you is not up for debate (A bit of a forced rhyme, in my opinion.)
For His Springs shall allow your new leaves to grow ("Shall allow" is awkward and pointlessly affected. "Will allow" would suffice.)

---

Tried to embed a video. I'll figure it out later

[hopefularahant]

[Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGB8zJNRpRI]

Aspen in the Fall of Summer's wane
Turn their leaves like the pages of life
Through seasons of comedy and tragedy in vain
As chapters fill with harmony and strife

But, beauty permeates their words none the less
As the wind rustles through their fires of gold
Bringing the song of the easing stressconfusing wording<<
And tides of peace roll in to take hold

Their heartwood easily with time grows soft<<
As their eyes gently age with each passing year
Their gaze ever fixed skyward aloft
Reveling in their journey of faith without fear

These golden haired children of the West well abide
With growth from the roots of one single seed
Together they shine like crowns upon a hillside
And commune as one in their time of need

If there is one lesson that the aspen teach well
It's don't hesitate to fall humbly to the ground
Don't cling to treetops, come down for a spell
And let your soul be nourished with Love all around

Let your quaking be still for a while and wait
Rest your worries beneath warm blankets of snowi get the image, but i cant help but point out that snow isnt warm
What happens to you is not up for debate<<
For His Springs shall allow your new leaves to grow

---

Tried to embed a video. I'll figure it out later

First of all, i love the subject matter, and i wrote a similar poem to this one about trees and lessons we can learn from them.  Nature poems hold a special place for me, and this one is no different.  You could easily make this poem alot better with a few simple changes.  First of all, try reading it aloud.  The meter is clunky at best, and the verses never really flow together all that well.  And that takes away from the rhyme scheme you have, which doesnt really seem forced, except once or twice(i marked the lines, along with a few side comments). Also, your poem is void of any punctuation. in theory, if you write your poem without line breaks it should be gramatically correct. Here your thought never even ends with a period or pauses with a comma. The images you paint are really nice, and your word choice helps the poem along, but one or two lines just seemed confusing or odd to me.  Other than that, good poem.
Just my opinion

[Brownie]

Thanks to both of you for your comments. I'll respond tomorrow when I've got more time.

[Brownie]

[Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGB8zJNRpRI]

Aspen in the Fall of Summer's wane
Turn their leaves like the pages of life
Through seasons of comedy and tragedy in vain
As chapters fill with harmony and strife

But, beauty permeates their words none the less
As the wind rustles through their fires of gold
Bringing the song of the easing stressconfusing wording<<Ya it is confusing. It was forced in there to rhyme. I'll work on that.
And tides of peace roll in to take hold

Their heartwood easily with time grows soft<<again, forced
As their eyes gently age with each passing year
Their gaze ever fixed skyward aloft
Reveling in their journey of faith without fear

These golden haired children of the West well abide
With growth from the roots of one single seed
Together they shine like crowns upon a hillside
And commune as one in their time of need

If there is one lesson that the aspen teach well
It's don't hesitate to fall humbly to the ground
Don't cling to treetops, come down for a spell
And let your soul be nourished with Love all around

Let your quaking be still for a while and wait
Rest your worries beneath warm blankets of snowi get the image, but i cant help but point out that snow isnt warmhaha! Sounds funny right? But snow is actually insulating to the ground beneath it. Keeps it at a warmer temp than the colder air above.
What happens to you is not up for debate<<
For His Springs shall allow your new leaves to grow

---

Tried to embed a video. I'll figure it out later

First of all, i love the subject matter, and i wrote a similar poem to this one about trees and lessons we can learn from them.  Nature poems hold a special place for me, and this one is no different.  You could easily make this poem alot better with a few simple changes.  First of all, try reading it aloud.  The meter is clunky at best, and the verses never really flow together all that well.  And that takes away from the rhyme scheme you have, which doesnt really seem forced, except once or twice(i marked the lines, along with a few side comments). Also, your poem is void of any punctuation.  in theory, if you write your poem without line breaks it should be gramatically correct.  Here your thought never even ends with a period or pauses with a comma.   The images you paint are really nice, and your word choice helps the poem along, but one or two lines just seemed confusing or odd to me.  Other than that, good poem.
Just my opinion

Thanks for reading and your response. Appreciate the critique. I'll work on the lines you suggested and add punctuation to see how that goes. All of my poetry is without punctuation This poem is one of the rare ones in which I actually try to ryhme. So to me, the whole thing seems forced into shape. Meter is wonky and all over the place because I'm not paying attention to it other than what sounds good to me as I do read it aloud. (See the video attached at the top where I speak it).

---

Brownie,

I think this was mostly a very good effort. Most of your images are consistent and vivid. Your rhyming is mostly very natural, except where noted in S6. Your meter, however, is not, and is more often "off" than "on." Some of your lines are 1-2 syllables too long, which isn't too difficult to fix. Others are simply clunky, metrically speaking ("Through seasons of comedy and tragedy in vain"), which is more difficult to fix. I think the poem would benefit greatly if you were to punctuate correctly. Also, I don't think S5 is vital to the poem, and if I were you, I would omit it. I may have gotten a bit carried away with my critique, since we are in Mild. But if I didn't enjoy your poem, I wouldn't have spent so much time critiquing it, so take it as a compliment!
Thanks for reading it and the critique! I'm glad you took the time to be so thorough. But I must say that I thought S5 was the most vital of the poem It's where the lessons from the aspen begins to be shown. I was referencing the love of god and the soul of the human so I wasn't trying to be misleading there. And yes the meter is wonky and all over the place as I'm usually not paying attention to that other than what sounds good to me as I read it aloud. But I'll work on some things you mentioned. Thank you.

[Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGB8zJNRpRI]

Aspen in the Fall of Summer's wane ( I suggest you set off "in the Fall of Summer's wane" with commas.)
Turn their leaves like the pages of life (Your meter's a bit wonky here.)
Through seasons of comedy and tragedy in vain (Here, too.)Ya wonky here and there I agree. This is one of the rare poems in which I rhyme. So every line seems a bit forced to me
As chapters fill with harmony and strife (Period.)

But, beauty permeates their words none the less (Omit the comma after "but.")
As the wind rustles through their fires of gold (Are the leaves pages or fires? Be consistent with your metaphors.)Sorry ya. I guess I meant the words are fires
Bringing the song of the easing stress (You use the definite article "the" as if I've already been introduced to this song. I haven't, so use "a" instead. Also, what is a song of easing stress? Do you mean a song that eases stress?)Will do and yes a song that eases stress. Forced it in that way again to rhyme.
And tides of peace roll in to take hold

Their heartwood easily with time grows soft (Heartwood is a very, very good word.
As their eyes gently age with each passing year (Change "as" to "and." You seem to use "as" as a crutch, even where "and" would do.)Thanks for that. I often do you as for a crutch and need to work on that
Their gaze ever fixed skyward aloft (I think this is redundant.)
Reveling in their journey of faith without fear (Good alliteration.)

These golden haired children of the West well abide (Should "golden haired" be hyphenated?)
With growth from the roots of one single seed (All of the aspens grew out of a single seed?)Not really. Meant to be from God being the single seed. And aspen do spread across an area sometimes not from seed, but sprout from their spreading rhizomes. They unique in that way.
Together they shine like crowns upon a hillside (Good imagery.)
And commune as one in their time of need (This is the strongest stanza of the poem, in my opinion. But I'm not quite sure how aspens would "commune as one in there time of need." What is their time of need, anyway? Winter? Clarify.) ya confusing. Used as a reference to our time of need be it tragedy or death, etc.

If there is one lesson that the aspen teach well
It's don't hesitate to fall humbly to the ground ("It's don't" is pretty awkward, not to mention grammatically incorrect.) haha thanks
Don't cling to treetops, come down for a spell
And let your soul be nourished with Love all around (Honestly, I think the poem could do without this stanza. It's mostly trite. "Soul" and "love" are buzzwords, and immediately make me skeptical of the poems in which they appear.)

Let your quaking be still for a while and wait (Nice alliteration. I like this line. But I'm left wondering--can quaking be still?)
Rest your worries beneath warm blankets of snow (Isn't this oxymoronic?)
What happens to you is not up for debate (A bit of a forced rhyme, in my opinion.)
For His Springs shall allow your new leaves to grow ("Shall allow" is awkward and pointlessly affected. "Will allow" would suffice.)

---

Tried to embed a video. I'll figure it out later

Thanks again! I'll work on a re-edit with your suggestions.