Brady Bunch
#1
Mickey Mouse
The thought of a complete house
On a saturday
Dad with his coffee
Mom with the vacuum

Realities that a few select see
But don't you wish you could be
Just a part of that
Just once

I guess that makes you stronger
Or just makes the days longer
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#2
S1: Ah, I like the strong imagery here. L2 throws off the rhythm a bit though.
S2L1,2: I wish you would show this, rather than just say it. L2 especially is just filled with auxiliary verbs and the vague 'you'.
I feel like instead of starting off kind of medium and then expanding into generalizations, you could narrow in, literally showing
'the devil in the details'. But that criticism is directly in lieu of the fact that you don't have any concrete imagery in your last two stanzas.

This could be much more Stepford Wives. I think adding some venom would be fun, also.
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#3
(04-05-2015, 03:28 PM)TimeOut Wrote:  Mickey Mouse
The thought of a complete house "House" connotes more the building than the general feeling of security and fulfillment a home does, and "the thought" makes this too fleeting a line to be, well, complete. This would be better if this just continued the picture of a complete house partly but somehow muddily began by the first line: the next three lines already do a fair enough job of showing all of this, so this explanation really isn't needed.
On a saturday Saturday.
Dad with his coffee
Mom with the vacuum Somehow, I'd prefer "her vacuum" instead, just to make things more even.

Realities that a few select see This line is weird. "A select few" is the normal usage: I get that you're trying to fit into some sort of rhythm, but the shift you use here just sounds awkward -- and on the same choice of words, the "realities" here fit too much into a lot of people's perception of normalcy for them to be sensibly thought of as something "a select few" see. 
But don't you wish you could be
Just a part of that
Just once This line feels superfluous. It doesn't really enhance or emphasize anything. Also, I think the earlier line could be merged into the one before it: the break sounds like it was made just to fit the already weak rhyme and line schemes.

I guess that makes you stronger 
Or just makes the days longer This ending is too heavy in sound to feel appropriate, and too bland to be strong. Plus, this line sounds contrived, being a bit unfounded (people stuck in suburbia tend to be way more bored than people not even dreaming of it) -- it's as if, again, this line was just made to fit the rhyme scheme.
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#4
(04-05-2015, 03:28 PM)TimeOut Wrote:  Mickey Mouse
The thought of a complete house
On a saturday
Dad with his coffee
Mom with the vacuum

Realities that a few select see
But don't you wish you could be
Just a part of that
Just once

I guess that makes you stronger
Or just makes the days longer

I'm seeing the old Micky Mouse club Clubhouse here. I don't remember is that was on Saturday mornings or not, but the family scene, in the house, on a Saturday morning, complete with the Beaver Cleaver scene of Mom vacuuming and Dad sitting around works for me. The tad bit of "boredom" at the end is a nice editorial on suburban living, maybe a tinge on jealousy. I like this.
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