Late Night Mistake

[TimeOut]

Draw the curtains inward
power off the lights
dim your way
wayward to the morning

The sunrises
as my seratonin despises
the fuel of last night
I guess I'll try you

1...2...3...
C'mon
Come to me
One more
Promise

Please just stop
holding me to the crimes
of these eyelids that droop
cooped up like the hens
That already call out to
the morning sun

Cock-a-doodle-do
Fuck you

[ambrosial revelation]

Hi there, perhaps I'm going mad (which I'm sure I'm not), but when I read this poem earlier on today it was called something like "Fuck you, Fuck cocaine" so considering the fact that now it's called "Late Night Mistake", which is a somewhat tamer title, I am slightly confused about your intentions. I think that you could have them both as the title "Late Night Mistake - Fuck you, Fuck cocaine" and it kind of makes more sense.

Draw the curtains inward---- 'inward' seems awkward here if it is just there to be paired up with 'wayward' 3 lines down 'close the curtains' would be enough
power off the lights---- this may be a colloquial thing but 'power off' doesn't seem right, unless there is a double meaning
dim your way
wayward to the morning---- I can't quite decide if the double way in 'way wayward' is working. At first read it felt clumsy, but I'm getting used to it now

The sunrises---- space between sun and rises unless you are speaking about a collection of sunrises
as my seratonin despises--- rhyme seems a bit forced here
the fuel of last night---- Is this the 'cocaine' from the original title
I guess I'll try you

1...2...3... ---- I don't understand the purpose of the 1 2 3 count here
C'mon
Come to me
One more
Promise

Please just stop
holding me to the crimes ---- 'crimes of these eyelids' is interesting, I sort of want to know more
of these eyelids that droop---- the 'internal' rhyme with 'droop cooped' works well here
cooped up like the hens
That already call out to
the morning sun---- From my understanding it is roosters that 'call out to the morning sun', although I did google it and hens can crow but seemingly not very well, so this may have to be rethought

Cock-a-doodle-do---- I'm tempted to say cliche
Fuck you---- Tempted again to say cliche

Hi, I'm really struggling to get anything from this poem and I have read it a few times and considered different possibilities. Also from looking back at your previous two poems it is evident that you do put thought into what you are writing which makes me further believe that there is something here I'm just not getting. I can't tell if the awkward phrasing such as "draw the curtains inward" is there because you wanted to use the sonics or if there is another purpose.

I would love to hear your explanation as I am just confused.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[Jkobrinart]

I would say it's a bit too abstract for the reader to comprehend what is actually occurring. It doesn't show not tell so to speak. It's hard to decipher what the poem is about and instead feels like a regurgitation of self expressive statements.

[RiverNotch]

Draw the curtains inward Wrong wording, unless you really mean pulling the curtains to the speaker.
power off the lights "Power off" sounds like a stupid complication of "turn off".
dim your way
wayward to the morning Somehow, these last two lines sound redundant and self-contradictory at the same time.

The sunrises This is one morning, right? So this should either be "the sun rises" or "the sunrise".
as my seratonin despises Serotonin, not Seratonin. The rhyme sounds forced. Serotonin is used for mood balance, so I don't think making it "despise" something makes sense.
the fuel of last night Continuing my issue with serotonin, since serotonin is reported as being low in characters with depression, and depressive people I believe tend to have lower sex drives and social behaviors -- ie, they'd want to be fueled throughout the night much less -- this really should be a thing supported by the said neurotransmitter.
I guess I'll try you This sounds contrived and incomplete. The mistake is "late night", not "this morning", and the sun is already rising, so it's definitely morning. Trying her at this point won't make late night's mistake a mistake to the speake

1...2...3...
C'mon
Come to me
One more
Promise The position, image, and actions of the subject are crucial for this stanza to be an effective portrait of the speaker's dialogue; without those, the audience won't really see in their minds what's happening here. So far, the speaker's thoughts have yet to be really developed (so his thoughts and feelings are definitely not the subject here) and his partner is yet to be described, so this whole stanza comes off as empty.

Please just stop
holding me to the crimes
of these eyelids that droop What crime could eyelids commit, in the context of a late night mistake?
cooped up like the hens This image is completely useless. Also, what are the things cooped up like hens? Your eyelids?
That already call out to 
the morning sun So the crime of the eyelids is opening themselves to the morning? What's the crime in that, again in the context of the late night mistake? The whole idea of this stanza needs a lot of clarification -- this whole thing plainly doesn't make sense.

Cock-a-doodle-do 
Fuck you With the fairly nonsensical thoughts the speaker has so far presented, the "fuck you" here only makes me sympathize with his partner more. Anyway, this ending doesn't really come up to anything -- it's not a good twist (late night mistake gives it away, and the set-up practically doesn't exist), it's not a good summation (but what is there to sum up, anyway?), and it doesn't really involve the reader.

[TimeOut]

Draw the curtains inward Wrong wording, unless you really mean pulling the curtains to the speaker. Actually, yes, I do mean this line in that way. It's an active way of saying I'm shutting myself off from the world.
power off the lights "Power off" sounds like a stupid complication of "turn off". Agreed. Turn off works better.
dim your way
wayward to the morning Somehow, these last two lines sound redundant and self-contradictory at the same time. Disagree, these are my two favorite lines of the poem. Dim vs wayward...the speaker is fading yet somehow mustering the will/judgement, albeit precariously, to look to the future.

The sunrises This is one morning, right? So this should either be "the sun rises" or "the sunrise". Nope, sunrises is intentional. Situationally, the speaker has been here again and again, hence the pluralized sunrise. ALSO, it's a fun play on words.
as my seratonin despises Serotonin, not Seratonin. The rhyme sounds forced. Serotonin is used for mood balance, so I don't think making it "despise" something makes sense. I wrote this fucked up, so yes spelling error. Good catch. BUT doing cocaine drains you of your serotonin, so the personification works here...
the fuel of last night Continuing my issue with serotonin, since serotonin is reported as being low in characters with depression, and depressive people I believe tend to have lower sex drives and social behaviors -- ie, they'd want to be fueled throughout the night much less -- this really should be a thing supported by the said neurotransmitter. Okay, you've obviously never experimented with coke, WHICH IS GOOD, but the "fuel" is an obvious reference to cocaine.
I guess I'll try you This sounds contrived and incomplete. The mistake is "late night", not "this morning", and the sun is already rising, so it's definitely morning. Trying her at this point won't make late night's mistake a mistake to the speake Once again, not referring to a person but a drug.

1...2...3...
C'mon
Come to me
One more
Promise The position, image, and actions of the subject are crucial for this stanza to be an effective portrait of the speaker's dialogue; without those, the audience won't really see in their minds what's happening here. So far, the speaker's thoughts have yet to be really developed (so his thoughts and feelings are definitely not the subject here) and his partner is yet to be described, so this whole stanza comes off as empty. This stanza refers to the insatiable craving of the drug. 1 Line...2 lines...3 lines...keep going...wait, just kidding...last one...promise; That's how it should read. Definitely could use some rewording.

Please just stop
holding me to the crimes
of these eyelids that droop What crime could eyelids commit, in the context of a late night mistake? COKE
cooped up like the hens This image is completely useless. Also, what are the things cooped up like hens? Your eyelids? COKE
That already call out to 
the morning sun So the crime of the eyelids is opening themselves to the morning? What's the crime in that, again in the context of the late night mistake? The whole idea of this stanza needs a lot of clarification -- this whole thing plainly doesn't make sense. Guilt of doing COKE and being awake in the morning...watching the sun rise knowing you haven't slept

Cock-a-doodle-do 
Fuck you With the fairly nonsensical thoughts the speaker has so far presented, the "fuck you" here only makes me sympathize with his partner more. Anyway, this ending doesn't really come up to anything -- it's not a good twist (late night mistake gives it away, and the set-up practically doesn't exist), it's not a good summation (but what is there to sum up, anyway?), and it doesn't really involve the reader. Agreed, this ending is contrived and cliche. There is no partner though. This poem is a conversation with the user's conscious.

---

Hi there, perhaps I'm going mad (which I'm sure I'm not), but when I read this poem earlier on today it was called something like "Fuck you, Fuck cocaine" so considering the fact that now it's called "Late Night Mistake", which is a somewhat tamer title, I am slightly confused about your intentions. I think that you could have them both as the title "Late Night Mistake - Fuck you, Fuck cocaine" and it kind of makes more sense. I posted this poem in an altered state, and then went back and saw the title and thought it was too much...so, no. You're not going crazy.

Draw the curtains inward---- 'inward' seems awkward here if it is just there to be paired up with 'wayward' 3 lines down 'close the curtains' would be enough
power off the lights---- this may be a colloquial thing but 'power off' doesn't seem right, unless there is a double meaning
dim your way
wayward to the morning---- I can't quite decide if the double way in 'way wayward' is working. At first read it felt clumsy, but I'm getting used to it now

The sunrises---- space between sun and rises unless you are speaking about a collection of sunrises
as my seratonin despises--- rhyme seems a bit forced here
the fuel of last night---- Is this the 'cocaine' from the original title
I guess I'll try you

1...2...3... ---- I don't understand the purpose of the 1 2 3 count here
C'mon
Come to me
One more
Promise

Please just stop
holding me to the crimes ---- 'crimes of these eyelids' is interesting, I sort of want to know more
of these eyelids that droop---- the 'internal' rhyme with 'droop cooped' works well here
cooped up like the hens
That already call out to
the morning sun---- From my understanding it is roosters that 'call out to the morning sun', although I did google it and hens can crow but seemingly not very well, so this may have to be rethought This actually made me laugh out loud! I can't believe you google'ed that. I guess it's ROOSTERS then.

Cock-a-doodle-do---- I'm tempted to say cliche
Fuck you---- Tempted again to say cliche

Hi, I'm really struggling to get anything from this poem and I have read it a few times and considered different possibilities. Also from looking back at your previous two poems it is evident that you do put thought into what you are writing which makes me further believe that there is something here I'm just not getting. I can't tell if the awkward phrasing such as "draw the curtains inward" is there because you wanted to use the sonics or if there is another purpose.

I would love to hear your explanation as I am just confused.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

Mark, it's good to see that you read my other poems and don't think I'm a total noob. I know you're not supposed to attach the writer to the speaker, but in this case, I wrote this poem in a very altered state. Sonically (which Ive NEVER used in a sentence) I definitely meant inward. I hoped the poem didn't come across as too abstract, but I'm seeing that it did, as I'm having to explain. I guess in a sense, putting myself in that mental state again, it's that neurotic yet grandiose sense of self you go through when doing cocaine. It's meant to be a conversation with the speaker's self...like fuck you, here you are AGAIN. I'm going to do an edit where it's more apparent that the speaker is debating with himself.

[Snarly Locks]

Trying to read this -- from a purely abstract perspective - I find myself lost. Not only do I not relate or understand the direction, I become confused and lost with it. Unless of course, I'm suppose to be lost and confused.

[RiverNotch]

I'm gonna respond to your response of my critique, since my interpretation just got improved a bit, and I think some of my points have to be further clarified.

Draw the curtains inward Wrong wording, unless you really mean pulling the curtains to the speaker. Actually, yes, I do mean this line in that way. It's an active way of saying I'm shutting myself off from the world. I still think it's a bit weird, since if you're shutting yourself off (closing the window or whatever), you should just "draw the curtains", not draw them "inward". Drawing them inward opens up a different image easily, as in pulling the curtains to the speaker without closing off any windows.
power off the lights "Power off" sounds like a stupid complication of "turn off". Agreed. Turn off works better.
dim your way
wayward to the morning Somehow, these last two lines sound redundant and self-contradictory at the same time. Disagree, these are my two favorite lines of the poem. Dim vs wayward...the speaker is fading yet somehow mustering the will/judgement, albeit precariously, to look to the future. Alright, but my earlier sentiment stands -- "dim your way wayward to the morning." Wouldn't dimming one's way already be wayward to the morning? The morning connotes light, after all. 

The sunrises This is one morning, right? So this should either be "the sun rises" or "the sunrise". Nope, sunrises is intentional. Situationally, the speaker has been here again and again, hence the pluralized sunrise. ALSO, it's a fun play on words. This still seems so much like a grammatical error that, unless you put a lampshade on it, it really doesn't work, especially since later, you say "the fuel of last night", not "the fuel of past nights" or something to that effect. This sort of pun simply isn't supported by the poem.
as my seratonin despises Serotonin, not Seratonin. The rhyme sounds forced. Serotonin is used for mood balance, so I don't think making it "despise" something makes sense. I wrote this fucked up, so yes spelling error. Good catch. BUT doing cocaine drains you of your serotonin, so the personification works here... OH IT'S ABOUT COCAINE THAT MAKES SENSE. Rhyme still sounds forced, though.
the fuel of last night Continuing my issue with serotonin, since serotonin is reported as being low in characters with depression, and depressive people I believe tend to have lower sex drives and social behaviors -- ie, they'd want to be fueled throughout the night much less -- this really should be a thing supported by the said neurotransmitter. Okay, you've obviously never experimented with coke, WHICH IS GOOD, but the "fuel" is an obvious reference to cocaine.  YES I GET IT NOW
I guess I'll try you This sounds contrived and incomplete. The mistake is "late night", not "this morning", and the sun is already rising, so it's definitely morning. Trying her at this point won't make late night's mistake a mistake to the speake Once again, not referring to a person but a drug. With the cocaine in mind, this line still feels a bit awkward. Knowing that the speaker's serotonin hates last night's fuel, why would the speaker return to it? It could be a sign of addiction, sure, but there's no real bridge between the two ideas. I'd like to see this developed.

1...2...3...
C'mon
Come to me
One more
Promise The position, image, and actions of the subject are crucial for this stanza to be an effective portrait of the speaker's dialogue; without those, the audience won't really see in their minds what's happening here. So far, the speaker's thoughts have yet to be really developed (so his thoughts and feelings are definitely not the subject here) and his partner is yet to be described, so this whole stanza comes off as empty. This stanza refers to the insatiable craving of the drug. 1 Line...2 lines...3 lines...keep going...wait, just kidding...last one...promise; That's how it should read. Definitely could use some rewording. I got the same feeling as you noted, yes, and with the cocaine in mind, this doesn't need as much elaboration now. However, my earlier point still stands -- even if his thoughts are there, this would be a bit more vivid with images. If you want to keep this same idea, though, a clearer show of this being all about cocaine earlier on is what you'll need -- not the title, sure, but "fuel of the night" doesn't always imply "cocaine" (my mother's night-fuel is caffeine, for instance), and cocaine isn't the only drug to affect serotonin levels. And so far, those are the only clues I've got.

Please just stop
holding me to the crimes
of these eyelids that droop What crime could eyelids commit, in the context of a late night mistake? COKE Alright.
cooped up like the hens This image is completely useless. Also, what are the things cooped up like hens? Your eyelids? COKE The image is still useless, even if coke is involved. The eyes (I'm assuming it's the eyes, but this isn't clear on that point) looking like hens all cooped up doesn't really add to the poem's message, nor help with any sort of build up.
That already call out to 
the morning sun So the crime of the eyelids is opening themselves to the morning? What's the crime in that, again in the context of the late night mistake? The whole idea of this stanza needs a lot of clarification -- this whole thing plainly doesn't make sense. Guilt of doing COKE and being awake in the morning...watching the sun rise knowing you haven't slept  This plainly doesn't work, I think. There is this overarching feeling or show of discomfort with the morning throughout the poem, but it's never shown strongly enough, I think, for this interpretation to work. To be a bit more explicit that your character did not sleep would be better -- and I'm not saying to say it plainly, but a lot of people, myself included, hate the morning even after a good night's rest. And the guilt of doing coke....the image here is too tied to the speaker's eyelids to show anything about coke (unless the speaker did coke via the eyelids, but that would be weird). Of course, it could be that coke has that strong an effect to the eyes, but that's more a general thing for a lot of drugs, than just for coke.


BUT my biggest problem with the stanza has to be that "that" in the third line is capitalized. Without punctuation, I had to automatically assume that the "That" there led to an idea away from your cock metaphor. (hen, in this case, but as has already been noted, cock or rooster will make sense) With this change, the stanza, I think, would work much, much better, especially with the "fuel of the night" thing, but only in the sense of the speaker not sleeping -- cocaine's not the only fuel that can induce insomnia, you know (or drugs in general, since I don't think being specific with cocaine matters to the poem -- A lot of people have sleepless nights due to studies, depression, whatever else, and hearkening to my earlier interpretation, lovemaking, without the involvement of any drugs, or any addictions whatsoever.)

Cock-a-doodle-do 
Fuck you With the fairly nonsensical thoughts the speaker has so far presented, the "fuck you" here only makes me sympathize with his partner more. Anyway, this ending doesn't really come up to anything -- it's not a good twist (late night mistake gives it away, and the set-up practically doesn't exist), it's not a good summation (but what is there to sum up, anyway?), and it doesn't really involve the reader. Agreed, this ending is contrived and cliche. There is no partner though. This poem is a conversation with the user's conscious. Alright.