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An outcrop of rock leads to the lake
from the front of the cabin.
In the spring, when the rains come,
ponds pool in its inlets and fill with life.
Moss forms in the dampened cracks;
tadpoles, trapped in their eggs, writhe in rebellion
as dragonfly nymphs move in to feed.
By summer, when we'd arrive, the rock is in turmoil:
frogs croaking the humid blues while their ponds shrink in the sun,
preparing to leave home for the lake.
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A.H. Lavender's syntactical changes are great , and I agree these verbose lines hold the poem back, BUT there a few things you should definitely keep. First and foremost, "humid blues" is so wonderfully expressive.
There's such a great shift also after S1. I think, and take my opinion with a grain of salt, your punctuation is distracting. You've whipped out not only a semicolon in S2 but then a colon on S3.
One more thing, please change "dragonfly nymphs". It's a too try-hard image and also doesn't make sense contextually in S2. You have all confined? imagery and then you drop nymph which brings the reader immediately out of the poem.
All in all though...so much potential. Can't wait to read the edit and more poems :)
I really like this, I think it has great potential. I would say though that your use of the word "lake" is a bit repetitive and I would try to find other ways to say that word or to describe the spot.
I really like the seasonal changes per stanza. I thought that the use of the confined tadpoles was thought-provoking. An allusion to that liminal stage in youth where you just want to leave and grow. "Writhe" adds to this sense of painful impatience to get going. Then it gets to summer in stanza 3 and the world is smaller than they thought. Good job. You really told a story. Loved it!
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(04-04-2015, 05:45 AM)Wjames Wrote: An outcrop of rock leads to the lake
from the front of the cabin. Is 'from' here right? I have no idea. In fact, though the image for these two lines is there, somehow, I feel the whole wording is wrong....
In the spring, when the rains come,
ponds pool in its inlets and fill with life. Wouldn't a lake's inlets already be filled with water (pooled with ponds) regardless of spring rain (even if the water is all in ice -- that's still water)? Near, maybe, instead of in. Or did you mean the rock? But then, rocks don't normally have inlets...
Moss forms in the dampened cracks;
tadpoles, trapped in their eggs, writhe in rebellion "Rebellion" here sounds wrong. The dragonflies hold no sovereignty over the tadpoles here -- they eat them, sure, but they don't rule over them, and because of the "dragon" part, I don't think they can be ever treated as kings of the pond. They writhe, yes, that's good, but they writhe due to something else....in fear, perhaps, but more eloquently stated? Or in defiance, which doesn't have the same baggage.
as dragonfly nymphs move in to feed. "Nymphs" partly weaken the idea of Dragons moving into feed, but that, I think, is more a peculiarity in my thinking.
By summer, when we'd arrive, the rock is in turmoil:
frogs croaking the humid blues while their ponds shrink in the sun,
preparing to leave home for the lake. This whole stanza is pretty evocative.
Overall, beautiful imagery, though a bit awkward word-wise in places. Thanks for the read!
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Thanks for reading & commenting everyone, I think I can probably tighten this one up a bit.
River, the "rebellion" part there was meant to be referring to them being stuck trapped in their eggs, trying to escape; not in regards to the dragonflys. The image also worked for avoiding being eaten, so I combined the two.
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(04-12-2015, 04:04 AM)Wjames Wrote: Thanks for reading & commenting everyone, I think I can probably tighten this one up a bit.
River, the "rebellion" part there was meant to be referring to them being stuck trapped in their eggs, trying to escape; not in regards to the dragonflys. The image also worked for avoiding being eaten, so I combined the two. Alright, though somehow I still feel a tamer word would fit.
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I'm new, and this was a fresh piece to reel me in. In particular, the writhing tadpoles and the frogs with humid blues are both fantastic imagery. Also, I disagree with some of the criticism here; I don't have issue with the use of dragonfly nymphs and I like the entrance and exit of the "lake" as closing out the piece.
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