Summer in Bed-Stuy

[TimeOut]

Summer in Bed-Stuy

Step on a crack
You'll break mother's
Back

Chicos
Come eat your hotdogs
Before they get cold

Baby please listen
It's not like I'm selling crack
Like anyone on this block

You got your church clothes
Dirty again
Your abuela is gonna matarte

It's only a year lease baby
And look
We're only steps from the G

Your tio Raul is out today

Seth just texted me about this rooftop party

Please no piensen en ayer

Do I really have to call Raul for our shit,
again?

[billy]

please decide which one you want to keep the one here or the one in  novice?


the most noticable thing for me was the fact that a fair bit of it was alien to me. it could just be me of course and everyone else gets it. the vignettes have no or little connection for me. on their own i like them but i have no point of reference. wish i could have been more use.

Summer in Bed-Stuy

Step on a crack
You'll break mother's
Back a weak opening that feels like a cliched proverb

Chicos
Come eat your hotdogs
Before they get cold

Baby please listen
It's not like I'm selling crack
Like anyone on this block

You got your church clothes
Dirty again
Your abuela is gonna matarte

It's only a year lease baby
And look
We're only steps from the G

Your tio Raul is out today

Seth just texted me about this rooftop party

Please no piensen en ayer

Do I really have to call Raul for our shit,
again?

[TimeOut]

please decide which one you want to keep the one here or the one in  novice?


the most noticable thing for me was the fact that a fair bit of it was alien to me. it could just be me of course and everyone else gets it. the vignettes have no or little connection for me. on their own i like them but i have no point of reference. wish i could have been more use.

Summer in Bed-Stuy

Step on a crack
You'll break mother's
Back a weak opening that feels like a cliched proverb

Chicos
Come eat your hotdogs
Before they get cold

Baby please listen
It's not like I'm selling crack
Like anyone on this block

You got your church clothes
Dirty again
Your abuela is gonna matarte

It's only a year lease baby
And look
We're only steps from the G

Your tio Raul is out today

Seth just texted me about this rooftop party

Please no piensen en ayer

Do I really have to call Raul for our shit,
again?

Sorry, Im pretty sure I deleted it out of the other topic. To give you some context, Bedford Stuyvesant (Bed-Stuy) used to be a part of Brooklyn riddled with crime that is now gentrifying. The neighborhood is home to a lot of African Americans and Latino people that are now having to brush elbows with the "gentrifiers." I tried to show how different these worlds are yet connected by such a disgusting thread.

[RiverNotch]

Summer in Bed-Stuy

Step on a crack
You'll break mother's
Back I simply do not like how "back" is put into another line, here. We already know that's the word coming in. As for this whole image, well, I don't see how this relates.....

Chicos
Come eat your hotdogs
Before they get cold ...unlike this one, which to me, is very vivid. I would suggest this be punctuated somewhat, but my tastes in punctuation, I've lately realized, isn't in vogue. Anyway--


Baby please listen
It's not like I'm selling crack
Like anyone on this block

You got your church clothes
Dirty again
Your abuela is gonna matarte I don't really know that many Spanish expressions, so though I recognized "abuela", I had to use THE POWER OF GOOGLE to find out what matarte meant. I'd go for the simpler (or rather, clearer) "kill you".

It's only a year lease baby
And look
We're only steps from the G Even though I get the whole image of these baby snippets, I somehow feel that they're out of place, not really because of the image, but because of the whole "baby" (as in, just the word) thing. Makes them feel like snippets from another poem. Maybe add some more to this whole scene?

Your tio Raul is out today

Seth just texted me about this rooftop party I like the contrast between these two lines, but that'd be sharper if they were combined in one stanza, and separated by em dash. They're not really that whole....


....like the whole image of the gentrification thing. I get a lot of the Latino side in the preceding stanzas, but barely anything of the gentrification aspect. Although, in fact, a lot of the Latino side is also kind of empty, too, since they seem to depend too much on just bits of Spanish (which many of your readers might not get).

Please no piensen en ayer "Please don't think of yesterday", saith the might tongue of Google! (not a crit)

Do I really have to call Raul for our shit,
again? Eh? I don't get this.


Overall, I get the images, and I sort of see how you're trying to contrast the aspects of the neighborhood, but a lot of the images are a bit undeveloped. The snippet-y feel is nice, but the snippets themselves could (should) be more, both in number and in color. And I'm sort of missing the "Summer" element here -- no images of the actual season, nor any elements of hot (summery) tension, a la "Do the Right Thing".  

[scarlettehale]

So I know Bed-Stuy is a gentrified part of Brooklyn, so i understand the language usage. However, I'm not sure it all works for the poem. The addition of the Spanish is honestly enough for me to understand the effects of gentrification. I would be interested in seeing you push that juxtaposition between the two languages.

Summer in Bed-Stuy

Step on a crack
You'll break mother's
Backthis isn't a strong beginning. Its too cliche. It could be interesting to consider what the phrase means and how you could reword.

Chicos
Come eat your hotdogs
Before they get coldThis is too simplified. I want to see a relationship between a hotdog getting cold and the gentrification of  Bed-stuy. but maybe thats just me reading into it too much.

Baby please listen
It's not like I'm selling crack
Like anyone on this block try rearranging the stanzas, so the two dialogues between the speaker and "baby" are feeding off each other rather than separated.

You got your church clothes
Dirty again
Your abuela is gonna matarteThis is where the poem gets stronger for me. You've introduced the spanish as well as some of the cultural importance with the church clothing.

It's only a year lease baby
And look
We're only steps from the G

Your tio Raul is out today

Seth just texted me about this rooftop party

Please no piensen en ayer

Do I really have to call Raul for our shit,
again?

Im not sure why the last four lines are broken up. This is distracting to me. It also doesn't end very strong. It could be interesting if you begin the poem in Spanish fully and as it reaches the end changes into English and ends in full English. This transition could be an interesting and strong way to show the gentrification.  

[bena]

I love the concept. Many of my friends speak spanglish, so I have no problem with that...it just all seems to random and disconnected. I can't really see the string that connects everything....Perhaps it needs just a bit more fleshing out. I'm sure your goal was to keep it sparse, so I hate to suggest that....but you need to give the reader enough information to draw a conclusion (even if it isn't the one you intended) --at this point I haven't had enough to draw anything.

Good luck on your revision, i'm really excited to see just where this one goes!!

cheers,
mel.

[TimeOut]

So I know Bed-Stuy is a gentrified part of Brooklyn, so i understand the language usage. However, I'm not sure it all works for the poem. The addition of the Spanish is honestly enough for me to understand the effects of gentrification. I would be interested in seeing you push that juxtaposition between the two languages.

Summer in Bed-Stuy

Step on a crack
You'll break mother's
Backthis isn't a strong beginning. Its too cliche. It could be interesting to consider what the phrase means and how you could reword.

Chicos
Come eat your hotdogs
Before they get coldThis is too simplified. I want to see a relationship between a hotdog getting cold and the gentrification of  Bed-stuy. but maybe thats just me reading into it too much.

Baby please listen
It's not like I'm selling crack
Like anyone on this block try rearranging the stanzas, so the two dialogues between the speaker and "baby" are feeding off each other rather than separated.

You got your church clothes
Dirty again
Your abuela is gonna matarteThis is where the poem gets stronger for me. You've introduced the spanish as well as some of the cultural importance with the church clothing.

It's only a year lease baby
And look
We're only steps from the G

Your tio Raul is out today

Seth just texted me about this rooftop party

Please no piensen en ayer

Do I really have to call Raul for our shit,
again?

Im not sure why the last four lines are broken up. This is distracting to me. It also doesn't end very strong. It could be interesting if you begin the poem in Spanish fully and as it reaches the end changes into English and ends in full English. This transition could be an interesting and strong way to show the gentrification.  

The last lines are broken up to show the two very distinct worlds of the poem. One being the uncle of some child, the other being that same person selling drugs to the people in the neighborhood. Anyways, I love the idea of beginning in Spanish and slowly switching to English, actually, more than I love the initial draft of this poem...give me a day and let me see if I can rework it. Thank you. THANK YOU...for the feedback.