Heaven Scent

[71degrees]

The two of them have been together five years
now, through all the pages of her diary,
Saturdays having been circled in red.
Last night, he called her his angel,
but she did not respond. She’s thinking
she might buy chardonnay
for this evening.

With the hesitancy of an upcoming spring
rain, she raises the bedroom shade
on the morning, sits on the edge
of their unmade bed and paints her toenails;
in the vanity mirror she can see the cloudy sky.

[jkprry]

Hello! I'm Julia. :')

S1L3: I think you can omit 'have been'.
S1L4: Do you think that comma after 'night' makes the line too choppy?

S2L1: 'upcoming' may be redundant in the thought that you always hesitate before you do something anyway.
S2L2,3: I love "she raises the bedroom shade on the morning".
S2L3,4,5: Might want to rethink starting these three lines all with prepositions.

You've painted an interesting relationship. I like the little stab with 'vanity' at the end. Ohoho. Very subtle. However, I don't quite understand your title, since there really aren't any smells alluded to. Are you saying her heavenliness is an artificial creation? If "call[ing] her his angel" is the clue, it really didn't connect for me.

[BW BRINE]

The two of them have been together five years
now, through all the pages of her diary,
Saturdays having been circled in red.
Last night, he called her his angel,
but she did not respond. She’s thinking
she might buy chardonnay
for this evening.

With the hesitancy of an upcoming spring
rain, she raises the bedroom shade
on the morning, sits on the edge
of their unmade bed and paints her toenails;
in the vanity mirror she can see the cloudy sky.

Hi there. My immediate concern is that I don't understand the title of your poem, and how it relates to what you've written. Is it the scent of the toenail polish? There is one reference to angels, but that seems vague and doesn't stand out as the focus of the poem to me. Can you explain this?

I like the flow of the poem, although the meter is a bit discombobulated. In the first stanza, why did you separate:

"she might buy chardonnay ... for this evening"

? These are small things but in a poem as floaty as this all the small things matter. For example, I don't understand why the Saturdays are circled, and why it matters that they have been together for five years. I'm assuming that's a bad thing given the context of the poem but I don't know what it means. (Also do you mean diary or calendar?)

The second stanza is very nice. Good imagery and flows nicely; you explain the feelings without actually saying what they are. Nicely done on this part.

Overall, work is needed on the first stanza imo. I don't seem to be understanding the imagery as well as I do in the second one. Basically the backstory is missing in the first stanza; saying that the Saturdays are circled in red or that they've been together five years or that he called her his angel mean nothing to me, because they are out of context. This means I'm missing a crucial part of your story.

-BW

[tectak]

The two of them have been together five years Awkward and unforced enjambment. Unless we are talking about some arbitrary time "have been together" does not need "now". So comma after "...years," then next line.
now, through all the pages of her diary,
Saturdays having been circled in red. Again, unless you are implying a conditionality by using "having" , and I see no such requirement, then it should be "....on all the pages of her diary Saturdays have been circled in red." you cannot red-circle "through all the pages"  but you can "on" them.
Last night, he called her his angel, No commas
but she did not respond. She’s thinking
she might buy chardonnay
for this evening. It is not a moot point nor  do you strive to make it so. It is a wisp  of the muse, a hint of presence, the faintest homeopathic trace of perfume. She, chardonnay and an evening at home. Yes. I buy in to this...have you met my wife?

With the hesitancy of an upcoming spring Awkward and unforced enjambment. Unless we are talking about some meteorological caesura I want my rain to be the sort I get in spring. Spring rain, it is called. Why do it the injustice of perfidious enjambment. It is pointless, stubborn, strangely (for you) inept and obstructive to the flow of that which falleth gently from heaven. Argue and lie.
rain, she raises the bedroom shade
on the morning, sits on the edge
of their unmade bed and paints her toenails;
in the vanity mirror she can see the cloudy sky. Not a crash landing...you cut engines and stalled to a perfect touch down. It is good enough to walk away from. I look forward to flying with you again.

Best,
tectak

[71degrees]

The two of them have been together five years
now, through all the pages of her diary,
Saturdays having been circled in red.
Last night, he called her his angel,
but she did not respond. She’s thinking
she might buy chardonnay
for this evening.

With the hesitancy of an upcoming spring
rain, she raises the bedroom shade
on the morning, sits on the edge
of their unmade bed and paints her toenails;
in the vanity mirror she can see the cloudy sky.

I really like the succinctness of this. It has a perfectly melancholy tone and a sense of almost indifference. Also, this is a very relatable topic.

I like the lean toward "indifference"...that's telling me I'm on the right track.  Thank you.

---

Hello! I'm Julia. :')

S1L3: I think you can omit 'have been'.
S1L4: Do you think that comma after 'night' makes the line too choppy?

S2L1: 'upcoming' may be redundant in the thought that you always hesitate before you do something anyway.
S2L2,3: I love "she raises the bedroom shade on the morning".
S2L3,4,5: Might want to rethink starting these three lines all with prepositions.

You've painted an interesting relationship. I like the little stab with 'vanity' at the end. Ohoho. Very subtle. However, I don't quite understand your title, since there really aren't any smells alluded to. Are you saying her heavenliness is an artificial creation? If "call[ing] her his angel" is the clue, it really didn't connect for me.

Hello, Julia.  I like your line comments. Very helpful.  As to your end comments...wine has bouquet. Sex has scent. There are "smells" here but if none of them connected for you, okay.  I do like your "artificial creation" comment. It helps me.  Thanks for your time here.

---

The two of them have been together five years
now, through all the pages of her diary,
Saturdays having been circled in red.
Last night, he called her his angel,
but she did not respond. She’s thinking
she might buy chardonnay
for this evening.

With the hesitancy of an upcoming spring
rain, she raises the bedroom shade
on the morning, sits on the edge
of their unmade bed and paints her toenails;
in the vanity mirror she can see the cloudy sky.

Hi there.  My immediate concern is that I don't understand the title of your poem, and how it relates to what you've written.  Is it the scent of the toenail polish?  There is one reference to angels, but that seems vague and doesn't stand out as the focus of the poem to me.  Can you explain this?

I like the flow of the poem, although the meter is a bit discombobulated.  In the first stanza, why did you separate:

"she might buy chardonnay ... for this evening"

?  These are small things but in a poem as floaty as this all the small things matter.  For example, I don't understand why the Saturdays are circled, and why it matters that they have been together for five years.  I'm assuming that's a bad thing given the context of the poem but I don't know what it means.  (Also do you mean diary or calendar?)

The second stanza is very nice.  Good imagery and flows nicely; you explain the feelings without actually saying what they are.  Nicely done on this part.

Overall, work is needed on the first stanza imo.  I don't seem to be understanding the imagery as well as I do in the second one.  Basically the backstory is missing in the first stanza; saying that the Saturdays are circled in red or that they've been together five years or that he called her his angel mean nothing to me, because they are out of context.  This means I'm missing a crucial part of your story.

-BW

Brine:  Many thanks here.  I agree about the small things. This is filled w/small things. Saturdays are circled b/c they are special to her.  Diary keepers are a different breed. I knew a girl who circled the dates every time she had sex with someone new.  I agree about the first stanza. Will revisit. Again, thanks. Very helpful.

---

The two of them have been together five years Awkward and unforced enjambment. Unless we are talking about some arbitrary time "have been together" does not need "now". So comma after "...years," then next line.
now, through all the pages of her diary,
Saturdays having been circled in red. Again, unless you are implying a conditionality by using "having" , and I see no such requirement, then it should be "....on all the pages of her diary Saturdays have been circled in red." you cannot red-circle "through all the pages"  but you can "on" them.
Last night, he called her his angel, No commas
but she did not respond. She’s thinking
she might buy chardonnay
for this evening. It is not a moot point nor  do you strive to make it so. It is a wisp  of the muse, a hint of presence, the faintest homeopathic trace of perfume. She, chardonnay and an evening at home. Yes. I buy in to this...have you met my wife?

With the hesitancy of an upcoming spring Awkward and unforced enjambment. Unless we are talking about some meteorological caesura I want my rain to be the sort I get in spring. Spring rain, it is called. Why do it the injustice of perfidious enjambment. It is pointless, stubborn, strangely (for you) inept and obstructive to the flow of that which falleth gently from heaven. Argue and lie.
rain, she raises the bedroom shade
on the morning, sits on the edge
of their unmade bed and paints her toenails;
in the vanity mirror she can see the cloudy sky. Not a crash landing...you cut engines and stalled to a perfect touch down. It is good enough to walk away from. I look forward to flying with you again.

Best,
tectak

I often write poems about the characters in a play that I'm writing. Helps me to "see" them.  I am in complete agreement about the line breaks.  Will refocus and try again. This one was put down in a hurry.  Glad I didn't totally die in the end crash.  Based on all the comments, I need to take some driving lessons in stanza one and consult my GPS once in awhile until I can see where I'm going  Most of your comments were in the "basics" (line breaks, commas, etc.) so I can assume I'm on the right road. The other posters have commented on the "indifference" of the female and that was my goal. She likes the Saturday sex but otherwise gets bored with this guy.

[TimeOut]

Wait! Don't fix your line breaks! They are disruptive sure, but they keep the reader involved. IMHO the last line needs the most work. You've drawn us in but drop us off with "cloudy sky". C'mon, this is your chance to hit home. Weak for sure.

[71degrees]

Wait! Don't fix your line breaks! They are disruptive sure, but they keep the reader involved. IMHO the last line needs the most work. You've  drawn us in but drop us off with "cloudy sky". C'mon, this is your chance to hit home. Weak for sure.

"cloudy sky"....yes, I agree. Thanks for that.

---

I thought poetry was about metaphor and simile, but you have only one: "With the hesitancy of an upcoming spring [new line] rain [...]". I don't understand the line-break: why? It sounds stilted. Why is spring rain hesitant (in your poem)? Because "spring rain" doesn't want to take the leap away from winter? If so, what is "winter" a metaphor for? Tell us what's going on, please; don't be so pretentiously aloof (or at least give us a clue with a concrete title).

Well, one is better than none How many would you like in such a short poem?

As far as "spring rain"...I live in a part of the country where that first rain is there...it almost teases a person. Spits a bit. Mist, maybe. But a rain? Sometimes...what's the word? Oh, yes, it "hesitates" before making an appearance.

And I think you are correct about the title. Thanks. I rarely post my real titles with my poems. Sometimes, but not always. Not in this case. Thanks for your time here. Appreciate all your comments.

[Jkobrinart]

I like this poem. It's a good start. I would try to focus more clarity into the action of the poem, to get clear in your mind of what is happening and has happened. The calling her his angel thing seems to have been dropped in there and not thoroughly elaborated. It makes me question exactly what you're trying to convey.

[71degrees]

I like this poem. It's a good start. I would try to focus more clarity into the action of the poem, to get clear in your mind of what is happening and has happened. The calling her his angel thing seems to have been dropped in there and not thoroughly elaborated. It makes me question exactly what you're trying to convey.

In the context of the poem, calling her "angel" might be construed as condescending…at least that was what "she" was responding to (or in this case, not responding to). Maybe that's the point…it's just a "thing" to him and she knows it. After all, they've been together for five years now and have sex for sure every Saturday, and yet "angel" means nothing to her. But if none of this is coming through to you, I may need to rethink. Thanks.