Peace

[Wjames]

After a few beers, the game, and a couple of laughs,
the boys and I like to head down to the pond for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky and some old flood lights,
we fight over rubber with wooden sticks in falling snow,
warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war.

[just mercedes]

Hi - I like the contrasts here; inside and outdoors, light and dark, and the response to watching violence.


After a few beers, the game, and a couple laughs at the bar, a couple of laughs
the boys and I [like to] head down to the pond for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky and some old flood lights, this gives me bodies appearing and vanishing as they move out of the light - I like it, although wonder if 'between' or some other descriptive of place would be better than 'beneath'
we fight over rubber with wooden sticks in falling snow, a bit jumbled - the rubber has wooden sticks?
warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war. Great line, packs a punch for the finish.

Thanks for posting this - I enjoyed seeing the cameo.

[Grace]

After a few beers, the game, and a couple laughs at the bar,
the boys and I like to head down to the pond for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky and some old flood lights,
we fight over rubber with wooden sticks in falling snow,
warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war.

Good choice of title. There's a peaceful, light atmosphere to the poem. Snow  muffles sound . In that peace, "warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war". Excellent last line. I liked the tumble of clear images that told the  story.

[71degrees]

After a few beers, the game, and a couple laughs at the bar,
the boys and I like to head down to the pond for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky and some old flood lights,
we fight over rubber with wooden sticks in falling snow,
warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war.

Like the snow for insulation but the ice for hardness. Like the laughs and the war. Cold and warmed.

Get rid even more of the extraneous words (e.g. at the bar, down, like to). You also use "a" or "the" EIGHT times (that's 15%) of the total words used here. Too much for a shorty.

Nice thoughts here. Reminds me of the beginning of the Deer Hunter a bit.

71degrees

[ellajam]

After a few beers, the game, and a couple laughs at the bar,
the boys and I like to head down to the pond for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky and some old flood lights,
we fight over rubber with wooden sticks in falling snow,
warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war.

This creates a strong image which for me keeps moving back and forth between a hometown and a battlefield, works either way for me.

Two points that tripped me: " a couple laughs at the bar," I saw a heard a couple laughing at the bar, then had to go back and reread. I'd prefer a couple of laughs.

Is the puck something else made of rubber. If so I'd like to know what, if it's a puck I think I'd like it called a puck. Maybe.

Thanks for the read.

[ChristopherSea]

After a few beers, the game, and a couple laughs at the bar,
the boys and I like to head down to the pond for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky and some old flood lights,
we fight over rubber with wooden sticks in falling snow,
warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war.

This creates a strong image which for me keeps moving back and forth between a hometown and a battlefield, works either way for me.

Two points that tripped me: " a couple laughs at the bar," I saw a heard a couple laughing at the bar, then had to go back and reread. I'd prefer a couple of laughs.

Is the puck something else made of rubber. If so I'd like to know what, if it's a puck I think I'd like it called a puck. Maybe.

Thanks for the read.

It's vulcanized rubber ella. James, perhaps, if you are stressing the absurdity of it (e.g. golf is a bunch of old farts chasing tiny balls into holes with a stick), a 'black disc' might work, but you'd have to change your sky hue to coal or the like./Chris

[ellajam]

After a few beers, the game, and a couple laughs at the bar,
the boys and I like to head down to the pond for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky and some old flood lights,
we fight over rubber with wooden sticks in falling snow,
warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war.

This creates a strong image which for me keeps moving back and forth between a hometown and a battlefield, works either way for me.

Two points that tripped me: " a couple laughs at the bar," I saw a heard a couple laughing at the bar, then had to go back and reread. I'd prefer a couple of laughs.

Is the puck something else made of rubber. If so I'd like to know what, if it's a puck I think I'd like it called a puck. Maybe.

Thanks for the read.

It's vulcanized rubber ella. James, perhaps, if you are stressing the absurdity of it (e.g. golf is a bunch of old farts chasing  tiny balls into holes with a stick), a 'black disc' might work, but you'd have to change your sky hue to coal or the like./Chris

I'm thinking it may be the ambiguity of rubber and wood that allows the young men to travel back and forth between home and a foreign desert or jungle in my mind, between real sports equipment and makeshift disks of tires, between peace and war.
WJ, if this is further than I was meant to roam, your fault.

[Jimster41]

New to the forum. Scanning for poems that I can connect to, this is one. It is the kind of poetry I like, spare. One image constructed. I can't describe how I feel about the choice of what perception is worth loving - a bunch of buzzed friends playing pond hockey, but I have it in my head now and I find it moving in a way that is familiar and welcome - the black sky is there, I see trees, and I can see the clouds of breath and hear it - I even start to think about the shit talk, and is there one guy who likes to try to crack everyone up and bust balls, reading it again I get the feeling of sweating in the cold - a distinct pleasure, and snow that touches eyelashes and lips and melts so fast you can taste it, mixed with the salt.

I'm not even a hockey fan, though my wife is from Canada, so I can definitely appreciate the drama of it (and get that this poem is a practitioner's ode to it's invention).

I don't think it's necessary, or even wanted, but maybe it is, to see what someone else's bias for structure would make your expression look like, feel like.

Lovely poem.

After a few beers
the game
and a couple laughs at the bar
the boys and I will head down to the pond
for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky
old flood lights,
we fight over rubber
with wooden sticks
in falling snow
warmed by
the thoughtless sweat
of war

[Wjames]

I think I forgot I posted this one, thanks for reminding me Jane. There were some good comments here, I've cut "at the bar", and added "of" before laughs based on the general consensus (and my opinion).

I think if you know shinny is playing unformal pick-up hockey (we don't call it ice hockey in Canada haha!), it's clear its different from them watching the game on tv earlier. That was why I had "at the bar" in there at first though, to further clarify "the game" in it's first context was on tv.

Yes Ella, rubber is a puck, but I just preferred the sound of rubber, and I did sort of like it for as you said the added war contrast.


This was my attempt at writing the most "Canadian" poem I could, without it being stupidly patriotic or anything like that.