I Smell Your Drunken Conscience (Working Title) EDIT 1

[TheWall0912]

So, I'm not exactly sure if the right term is a sensory poem? But this is my first attempt at writing a poem that describes an event using all 5 senses. I still need to think of a fitting title, any and all suggestions are welcome.

Oh, and if this isn't the correct way to write this kind of poem, please someone point it out and help me! Thanks!

EDIT 1

I wait up for you on this eve.
Are you watching her as she strips?
You cheating slut, I want to leave.

Your welcomed kiss upon my lips
tastes much like bourbon, I suppose.
It's wet and sloppy, your tongue slips.

The scent, a stain, on all your clothes,
filthy and vulgar, much like her,
and slowly ambushes my nose.

You speak to me and your words slur,
"You're beautiful." Ha, I'm flattered.
With your drunken lies, I concur.

Our love is in pieces, scattered.
My fragile heart is made of glass,
it lies here broken and shattered.

Like a sitting duck on its ass,
your conscience speaks some guilty words
and stumbles around without class.

Cheater taking seconds and thirds,
a secret not kept with the birds.

ORIGINAL

Your welcomed kiss upon my lips
tastes much like bourbon, I suppose.
It's wet and sloppy, your tongue slips.

The scent is stained on all your clothes,
filthy and vulgar, much like her,
and slowly ambushes my nose.

You speak to me and your words slur,
"You're beautiful." Ha, I'm flattered.
Your drunken lies, I must concur.

Our love is in pieces, scattered.
My fragile heart is made of glass,
it lies here broken and shattered.

Like a sitting duck on its ass,
your conscience speaks some guilty words
and stumbles around without class.

Cheater taking seconds and thirds,
a secret not kept with the birds.

[cidermaid]

Hi,
just read this and will be back to read again and offer comments tommorow, but wanted to mention a thread in the poetry practice section that might be of interest or help you develop your ideas.
http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=9198
Yes...there is a poetic form for the five senses!

[TheWall0912]

Hi,
just read this and will be back to read again and offer comments tommorow, but wanted to mention a thread in the poetry practice section that might be of interest or help you develop your ideas.
http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=9198
Yes...there is a poetic form for the five senses!

Oh wow, I guess I totally missed that. I'll be sure to take a look, thank you!

[heslopian]

"Conscious", in your title's context, should be "consciousness", I think. As it is it sounds to my ears like an adjective with no noun following it.

Your welcomed kiss upon my lips
tastes much like bourbon, I suppose.
It's wet and sloppy, your tongue slips. "Wet and sloppy" is the soul of this verse. It conveys everything about this kiss perfectly.

The scent is stained on all your clothes, I might have changed "stained" to "a stain".
filthy and vulgar, much like her, Who?
and slowly ambushes my nose.

You speak to me and your words slur,
"You're beautiful." Ha, I'm flattered.
Your drunken lies, I must concur. This line needs a "with" before "your" to make grammatical sense.

Our love is in pieces, scattered.
My fragile heart is made of glass,
it lies here broken and shattered. Elegant and effective conveyance of heartbreak, I think.

Like a sitting duck on its ass,
your conscience speaks some guilty words
and stumbles around without class. "Ass" and "class" are rhymed really well here.

Cheater taking seconds and thirds,
a secret not kept with the birds. Nicely subtle play on the phrase "a little bird told me".

More detail about your characters and their situation is needed, I think, but overall I enjoyed this poem. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

[newsclippings]

So, I'm not exactly sure if the right term is a sensory poem? But this is my first attempt at writing a poem that describes an event using all 5 senses. I still need to think of a fitting title, any and all suggestions are welcome.

Oh, and if this isn't the correct way to write this kind of poem, please someone point it out and help me! Thanks!

Your welcomed kiss upon my lips
tastes much like bourbon, I suppose.
It's wet and sloppy, your tongue slips.

The scent is stained on all your clothes,
filthy and vulgar, much like her, The comma feels wrong, and so does "much like her"
and slowly ambushes my nose. This is also an awkward line

You speak to me and your words slur,
"You're beautiful." Ha, I'm flattered.
Your drunken lies, I must concur. kitsch

Our love is in pieces, scattered.
My fragile heart is made of glass,
it lies here broken and shattered. Blegh. Taylor Swift called. She said she wants her lyrics back.

Like a sitting duck on its ass,
your conscience speaks some guilty words
and stumbles around without class.

Cheater taking seconds and thirds,
a secret not kept with the birds.

[TheWall0912]

First edit to a poem! Not as much changed as I thought I would, but let me know what you think.

[jdguyb]

Well this poem is awesome. It made me laugh well done. Although the last rhyme does feel forced. I love the candid aspect of it. I really feel like your dealing with a whore. This is so funny I love it! Just change that last rhyme