Nightwalking (title change, edit #3.2 (Todd)

[ellajam]

edit#3.2 (Todd, Mark101)

A moonbeam's trail unwinds downhill
and threads its way through wooden blinds
to dance upon my windowsill.

Fine-filtered through a moonshine still
a glittered path of gold designs
a moonbeam's trail unwound downhill;
light focuses enough to fill
the room, its broken stream aligns
to two-step on my windowsill.

Night owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
meet in the air, their song entwines
with moonbeam trails that wind downhill
as darkness bursts the stars until
they spill like spiraled orange rinds
and skip across my windowsill.

White swan's reflective wings and bill
go gliding by, its path defines
a moonbeam's trail that winds downhill
to dance upon my windowsill.


edit #3.1 (Todd)

A moonbeam's trail unwinds downhill
and threads its way through wooden blinds
to dance upon my windowsill.

Fermented through a moonshine still
a glittered path of gold designs
a moonbeam's trail unwound downhill;
light focuses enough to fill
the room, its broken stream aligns
to two-step on my windowsill.

Night owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
meet in the air, their song entwines
with moonbeam trails that wind downhill
as darkness bursts the stars until
they spill like spiraled orange rinds
and skip across my windowsill.

White swan's reflective wings and bill
go gliding by, its path defines
a moonbeam's trail that winds downhill
to dance upon my windowsill.


edit#3 (all power to the PigPen)

A moonbeam's trail unwinds downhill
and threads its way through wooden blinds
to dance upon my windowsill.

Through channels of a moonshine still
a glittered path of gold designs
a moonbeam's trail unwound downhill;
light focused tight enough to fill
the room in matching streams aligns
to two-step on my windowsill.

Night owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
meet in the air, their song entwines
with moonbeam trails that wind downhill
as darkness bursts the stars until
they spill like spiraled orange rinds
and skip across my windowsill.

White swan's reflective wings and bill
go gliding by, its path defines
a moonbeam's trail that winds downhill
to dance upon my windowsill.

edit#2 (it may not be fair to blame milo)


A moonbeam's trail which winds downhill
is slipping through the wooden blind
to dance upon my windowsill.

Across the lake, in midnight's still,
a rippled, glittered path defined:
a moonbeam's trail which winds downhill.

Light focused tight enough to fill
the room, in matching streams aligned
to dance upon my windowsill.

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
cross through the air, at last to find
a moonbeam's trail which flows downhill.

Bright orange starlight starts to spill,
careening down a spiraled rind,
to dance upon my windowsill.

White swans' reflective wing and bill
go gliding by to bring to mind
a moonbeam's trail which winds downhill
to dance upon my windowsill.



edit # 1 (thanks to FractalPacifist and Erthona)


Moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
slipped through strung and slatted blinds,
danced upon my windowsill.

Bringing dreams to jolt and thrill
the sparkling path on ripples winds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

Midnight's gleam, a room to fill
through a crack a moonbeam finds
danced upon my windowsill.

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
connected to this earth that binds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

Orange stars roll down the hill
gray mists have built, their scented rinds
danced upon my windowsill.

Illuminating wing and bill,
swans' grace brought forth in hearts and minds,
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
danced upon my windowsill.

original
danced upon my windowsill
through strung and slatted wooden blinds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still

midnight's gleam, a room to fill
through a crack a moonbeam finds
danced upon my windowsill

bringing dreams to jolt and thrill
the sparkling path on ripples winds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still

seeking strength and finding will
new plans drawn from hearts and minds
danced upon my windowsill

with owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
connecting to this earth that binds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still

illuminate white wing and bill
swans' grace sails through life's groans and grinds
danced upon my windowsill
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still

[FractalPacifist]

Oooh, I love a good villanelle! This format is close to my heart, although I'm terrible at keeping mine from sounding cheesy. v_v

Thoughts:

Maybe try switching A1 (danced upon my windowsill) and A2 (moonlight's trail 'cross waters still)? I think it would help the first stanza make a bit more sense.

Overall, I like the visuals here, although I found some of the poem a bit confusing. Comments below ^_^

danced upon my windowsill maybe try "dancing" instead?
through strung and slatted wooden blinds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still I dislike the shortning of "across," it sounds a bit contrived.

midnight's gleam, a room to fill
through a crack a moonbeam finds this line is a bit jolty. maybe find a different way to refer to "moonbeam" to keep from repeating the word "moon" so much? since it's in A2, it's making quite a few appearances.
danced upon my windowsill

bringing dreams to jolt and thrill if there's no sleep tonight, why are you dreaming?/b]
the sparkling path on ripples winds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still

seeking strength and finding will [b]I feel like you're missing a chance to use the rhyme with "will" to start off a sentence that continues on the next line.
new plans drawn from hearts and minds This line also feels created just for the rhyme.
danced upon my windowsill

with owl's hoot and barn wren's trill barn wrens exist? cool!
connecting to this earth that binds I love this line.
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still

illuminate white wing and bill try "illuminating" to fit with the tense of the rest of the piece
swans' grace sails through life's groans and grinds "grinds" feels weird when juxtaposed with "swan's grace."
danced upon my windowsill
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still

[ellajam]

Hi, FP, thanks so much for your comments. So many of them are just what I need, the words become familiar to me and I lose what sounds forced, thanks for pointing them out.

I laughed at your dreams... no sleep comment, caught by a title again. I tack them on to post and I really suck at them.

I like your idea of swapping lines, I'll see what happens, thanks.

You may have missed my 'tis debacle, people hate these words, I actually used whilst once, okay, maybe not so good, but I go 'cross the street all the time. I'll think on it.

Illuminating changed on my last edit, I'll try to figure that one out too. Oh, and I like swan vs grinds, I'll check how it reads.

Again, I'll surely consider all your notes. Thanks for taking the time.

[FractalPacifist]

No problem! I really do like where this is going... I have a hard time with titles to. My creative writing teacher back at community college told me that a title is your first chance to make an impression on the reader - sort of like an extra line that you can sneak in. So I try to take them seriously, even if I want to just call it "a poem about ___" and be done with it. XD

[Erthona]

Marcella,

Ah tricky, I thought you had messed up until I realized you were using the secondary pronunciation of "winds".

Actually, this is a clever approach to this form, creating a midnight's summer dream effect (bringing dreams to jolt and thrill) rather than trying for a specific message, or a story telling. So even though as any villanelle, it seems to sag under the weight of the repeating lines, it does not contain those fatal flaws. This is like an expressionist painting, in that it conveys an image that contains an emotional tone. It is the line "moonlight's trail 'cross waters still" that gives it this dreamlike feel, despite the fact that what is being portrayed is fairly mundane, such as "owl's hoot and barn wren's trill". The weak lines for me are

"seeking strength and finding will
new plans drawn from hearts and minds"

which seems a bit pedantic, and at odds with what has preceded it, and that which follows.

Also,

"illuminate white wing and bill
swans' grace sails through life's groans and grinds"

starts out well, but " through life's groans and grinds", is not only back to the philosophizing, but is not supported by the rest of the poem, and seems very ad hoc.

I think staying with a kind of dream-like image painting would create a stronger poem, in fact probably one of the few approaches to make sense for this form, as only someone like Dylan Thomas seems to have the cleverness and skill (and luck) to use this form to make a philosophical statement (although thousands continue to try).

I do like the possibility of what you have so far.

Dale

[ellajam]

Thanks, Dale, I like to bring reality onto this type poem to ground it, but that doesn't mean it works. I'll take a run at just letting it go its way and see what happens.

I'll never be Dylan Thomas no matter what form I write in, but this one is fun.

I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, and your suggestions will help me to dump some bad rhymes.

Again, thanks.

[ellajam]

Well, I've tried Fractal's suggestion of swapping lines to make a bit more sense, and Erthona's to stopping trying to make sense and let the fantasy run.

Oh, and dumped that bad title, this one's for Todd.

I'd appreciate any input on whether this works any better, and where the rough spots are.

Thanks so much for the fun of playing with this.

[FractalPacifist]

It's beautiful! I particularly liked the verse about oranges.

My only other thought would be to change "danced" to "dancing," but then I looked at it again and realized that would bump it from 7 syllables to 8. So perhaps it's better as it is.

I also wanted to point out that 'cross is working better for me now as I read the second version. I think since the rest of the lines are more polished, I don't actually mind the poetic word. ^_^

Seriously, that bit about oranges as stars. Wow.

[ellajam]

Thanks, Fractal, I'm trying to keep danced, we'll see. Orange stars, when you have to dump the lines that don't work you're forced to think of something else. I love this site.

[milo]

hello Ella. I do love a villanelle!

edit # 1 (thanks to FractalPacifist and Erthona)


Moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
slipped through strung and slatted blinds,
danced upon my windowsill.

I see you picked to end on still so it would mesh with your other refrain in the end, but it produces a recurring inversion which is both difficult to parse and a little annoying. In addition, I don't really get "strung and slatted" blinds. Are these just regular blinds being described in an awkward but slightly metric way?

Bringing dreams to jolt and thrill
the sparkling path on ripples winds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

Someone once gave me the advice not to use 2 verbs for a single object in poetry. Do you really need both jolt and thrill? It reads quite awkward. Also, you are lacking an antecedent for "bringing". Exactly what /is/ doing the bringing of dreams here?

Midnight's gleam, a room to fill
through a crack a moonbeam finds
danced upon my windowsill.

Punctuation might clear up what this stanza is trying to say but in its current form it is tough to parse. Is Midnight's gleam (which I dont even know what that is) dancing upon your window sill?

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
connected to this earth that binds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

which earth? oh . . . this earth. not the other earth, taht clears it up. What is doing the binding here? Are you saying that these noisy birds are somehow connected to the earth(?)

Orange stars roll down the hill
gray mists have built, their scented rinds
danced upon my windowsill.

there are orange stars rolling down a hill and the rinds from these stars are scented and dancing on your windowsill?

Illuminating wing and bill,
swans' grace brought forth in hearts and minds,
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
danced upon my windowsill.

Through the whole poem I have a difficult time tying your nouns and verbs to the correct object/subject and I think it is mostly your twisted syntax and odd punctuation. I would ofer suggestions if I could figure out what you are trying to say.

The whole, for me, comes across as a confused amalgam of descriptions with no actual point but I might be mistaken.

[ellajam]

Thanks, milo, I smiled at each of your points, quite a mess, eh?
It had major problems when I started and my edit may have made it worse, or just a different kind of bad. Guess my attempt at punctuation didn't help either. I'm not even sure which version to work on. Thanks for so much ammo.

hello Ella. I do love a villanelle!

edit # 1 (thanks to FractalPacifist and Erthona)


Moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
slipped through strung and slatted blinds,
danced upon my windowsill.

I see you picked to end on still so it would mesh with your other refrain in the end, but it produces a recurring inversion which is both difficult to parse and a little annoying. In addition, I don't really get "strung and slatted" blinds. Are these just regular blinds being described in an awkward but slightly metric way?

If ending on still can't work it's a done deal. I'll think on that deciding whether to edit or abandon. Is it the strung or slatted or both that stink, I had wooden at pne point, maybe I can work with that.

Bringing dreams to jolt and thrill
the sparkling path on ripples winds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

Someone once gave me the advice not to use 2 verbs for a single object in poetry. Do you really need both jolt and thrill? It reads quite awkward. Also, you are lacking an antecedent for "bringing". Exactly what /is/ doing the bringing of dreams here?

I thought jolt and thrill where okay together because they evoke different feelings for me, I could try to find a word that means jolting thrill. 
The sparkling path of moonlight is bringing the dream, not obvious, huh?

Midnight's gleam, a room to fill
through a crack a moonbeam finds
danced upon my windowsill.

Punctuation might clear up what this stanza is trying to say but in its current form it is tough to parse. Is Midnight's gleam (which I dont even know what that is) dancing upon your window sill?

No midnight's gleam, milo? no starlit glow in the dark? I've tried punctuation here, didn't seem to help a bit, either because it's hopeless or my skills just suck

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
connected to this earth that binds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

which earth? oh . . . this earth. not the other earth, taht clears it up. What is doing the binding here? Are you saying that these noisy birds are somehow connected to the earth(?)

I almost laughed out loud. I was saying those noisy birds and the rest of us are bound to the earth. I don't mind that but "this earth" is just bad

Orange stars roll down the hill
gray mists have built, their scented rinds
danced upon my windowsill.

there are orange stars rolling down a hill and the rinds from these stars are scented and dancing on your windowsill?

Yes, and the hills are made of mists. Just a bit of whimsy.

Illuminating wing and bill,
swans' grace brought forth in hearts and minds,
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
danced upon my windowsill.

Through the whole poem I have a difficult time tying your nouns and verbs to the correct object/subject and I think it is mostly your twisted syntax and odd punctuation. I would ofer suggestions if I could figure out what you are trying to say.

The whole, for me, comes across as a confused amalgam of descriptions with no actual point but I might be mistaken.

or you might not be mistaken, it surely wouldn't be the only bad poem I've written, but I've been having fun trying to make something work here.

I really appreciate the time you've taken here and hope the next one I post makes a little more sense. But don't put money on.

[kmstomsvik]

Enjoyed the imagery and form. There is a a Poe-like quality and a true sense of the season.

Hi and welcome. While we're glad to see you here, we'd really appreciate it if you'd familiarise yourself with the site rules before posting. We ask that all members leave meaningful comments on other threads before posting their own. Thanks/ admin

[milo]

Thanks, milo, I smiled at each of your points, quite a mess, eh?
It had major problems when I started and my edit may have made it worse, or just a different kind of bad. Guess my attempt at punctuation didn't help either. I'm not even sure which version to work on. Thanks for so much ammo.

hello Ella. I do love a villanelle!

edit # 1 (thanks to FractalPacifist and Erthona)


Moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
slipped through strung and slatted blinds,
danced upon my windowsill.

I see you picked to end on still so it would mesh with your other refrain in the end, but it produces a recurring inversion which is both difficult to parse and a little annoying. In addition, I don't really get "strung and slatted" blinds. Are these just regular blinds being described in an awkward but slightly metric way?

If ending on still can't work it's a done deal. I'll think on that deciding whether to edit or abandon. Is it the strung or slatted or both that stink, I had wooden at pne point, maybe I can work with that.

well, it is tough to make it work as an adjective without using enjambment unless you are happy inverting over (and over) again. You could use it as a noun. (might even be able to do something with moonshine = moonshine lol) like still of the night or whatever.

Bringing dreams to jolt and thrill
the sparkling path on ripples winds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

Someone once gave me the advice not to use 2 verbs for a single object in poetry. Do you really need both jolt and thrill? It reads quite awkward. Also, you are lacking an antecedent for "bringing". Exactly what /is/ doing the bringing of dreams here?

I thought jolt and thrill where okay together because they evoke different feelings for me, I could try to find a word that means jolting thrill. 
The sparkling path of moonlight is bringing the dream, not obvious, huh?

for me, jolt and thrill seem similar, but it is just awkward diction and it almost always reads like metric padding. now maybe "jolting thrill . . ."

Midnight's gleam, a room to fill
through a crack a moonbeam finds
danced upon my windowsill.

Punctuation might clear up what this stanza is trying to say but in its current form it is tough to parse. Is Midnight's gleam (which I dont even know what that is) dancing upon your window sill?

No midnight's gleam, milo? no starlit glow in the dark? I've tried punctuation here, didn't seem to help a bit, either because it's hopeless or my skills just suck

I will tell you that I don't care for midnight's gleam for 2 reasons - first, it is a bit of a red herring. You and I both know that the gleam doesn't change from 11 o'clock or 11:30 or even 1:30, so midnight needs to have some significance to your central metaphor and I just can't find it. The second reason is that it reads a little trite. As for the punctuation, sometimes it helps to eliminate all of your line breaks and read through it. Areas that aren't clear may need some punctuation (or perhaps some editing)

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
connected to this earth that binds
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still.

which earth? oh . . . this earth. not the other earth, taht clears it up. What is doing the binding here? Are you saying that these noisy birds are somehow connected to the earth(?)

I almost laughed out loud. I was saying those noisy birds and the rest of us are bound to the earth. I don't mind that but "this earth" is just bad

Orange stars roll down the hill
gray mists have built, their scented rinds
danced upon my windowsill.

there are orange stars rolling down a hill and the rinds from these stars are scented and dancing on your windowsill?

Yes, and the hills are made of mists. Just a bit of whimsy.

I don't know if you are pulling off scented rinds here

Illuminating wing and bill,
swans' grace brought forth in hearts and minds,
moonlight's trail 'cross waters still
danced upon my windowsill.

Through the whole poem I have a difficult time tying your nouns and verbs to the correct object/subject and I think it is mostly your twisted syntax and odd punctuation. I would ofer suggestions if I could figure out what you are trying to say.

The whole, for me, comes across as a confused amalgam of descriptions with no actual point but I might be mistaken.

or you might not be mistaken, it surely wouldn't be the only bad poem I've written, but I've been having fun trying to make something work here.

I really appreciate the time you've taken here and hope the next one I post makes a little more sense. But don't put money on.

I wouldn't give up. You may as well edit, after all, what else are you going to do. I am willing to rol up my sleeves and help if you want.

[ellajam]

Thanks, milo. I think I'll start by trying your trick with the punctuation, eliminating line breaks and see if I can get anything to work. Thanks for the tip, I'll be back.

[ellajam]

Well, this has been interesting. Rather than abandon it I tried to get it to make sense first so I might be able to work on it. It may make more sense, the meter may be improved, but it now bores even me to death, sucked the life right out of it.

[milo]

Well, this has been interesting. Rather than abandon it I tried to get it to make sense first so I might be able to work on it. It may make more sense,  the meter may be improved, but it now bores even me to death, sucked the life right out of it.

Just checking up this old thread.  I wonder if now, given some time and distance and reading the three iterations over again you feel the same way.

[Snarly Locks]

I have a tendency to favor things I can relate to. As a child, I can remember watching the moonbeams dancing through my window, so overall the poem worked for me.

"Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
cross through the air, at last to find
a moonbeam's trail which flows downhill."

To me, that was the weakest --- but the last verse I especially liked, because I didn't expect it --

[TimeOut]

I really enjoyed reading the comments and then seeing your edits. I love a good villanelle and someone who even tries to write like this anymore.

You've improved remarkably well in your two edits, but there is one line...JUST ONE, that sticks out:

"Bright orange starlight starts to spill,"

When you read this out loud you get, "starLIGHT", which automatically creates a pause. Nitpicky...yes, but you break the pattern of all the first lines of each stanza.

You could read it as, "BRIGHT orange starlight starts to spill", and that keeps the meter, but none of your other beginning stanza lines start with that emphasis. You keep a consistent emphasis on the third or fourth syllable.

[ellajam]

Well, this has been interesting. Rather than abandon it I tried to get it to make sense first so I might be able to work on it. It may make more sense,  the meter may be improved, but it now bores even me to death, sucked the life right out of it.

Just checking up this old thread.  I wonder if now, given some time and distance and reading the three iterations over again you feel the same way.

Have I done something evil to you lately? I know, made you read that rondeau.

I have a tendency to favor things I can relate to. As a child, I can remember watching the moonbeams dancing through my window, so overall the poem worked for me.  

"Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
cross through the air, at last to find
a moonbeam's trail which flows downhill."

To me, that was the weakest --- but the last verse I especially liked, because I didn't expect it --

Thanks so much for reading Snarly, and for pointing out a weak point. I guess I'll be taking another look at this one.

I really enjoyed reading the comments and then seeing your edits. I love a good villanelle and someone who even tries to write like this anymore.

You've improved remarkably well in your two edits, but there is one line...JUST ONE, that sticks out:

"Bright orange starlight starts to spill,"

When you read this out loud you get, "starLIGHT", which automatically creates a pause. Nitpicky...yes, but you break the pattern of all the first lines of each stanza.

You could read it as, "BRIGHT orange starlight starts to spill", and that keeps the meter, but none of your other beginning stanza lines start with that emphasis. You keep a consistent emphasis on the third or fourth syllable.

I so appreciate the read and comment, Time Out. Although I came to the site with this one, the pen is a great place to work on forms, you'll find two excellent new villes by Tiger in the NaPM.

I still often have poor poet's wishful thinking with my meter.
I am saying: bright ORange STARlight STARTS to SPILL.
Could you scan the whole line for me so I can see how you end up where you are?

Then again, it's a pretty awful line, your attention to it makes me want to change it anyway

Well, thanks all, I'll give the thread a thorough read and see what happens.

[TimeOut]

Well, this has been interesting. Rather than abandon it I tried to get it to make sense first so I might be able to work on it. It may make more sense,  the meter may be improved, but it now bores even me to death, sucked the life right out of it.

Just checking up this old thread.  I wonder if now, given some time and distance and reading the three iterations over again you feel the same way.

Have I done something evil to you lately? I know, made you read that rondeau.

I have a tendency to favor things I can relate to. As a child, I can remember watching the moonbeams dancing through my window, so overall the poem worked for me.  

"Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
cross through the air, at last to find
a moonbeam's trail which flows downhill."

To me, that was the weakest --- but the last verse I especially liked, because I didn't expect it --

Thanks so much for ready Snarly, and for pointing out a weak point. I guess I'll be taking another look at this one.

I really enjoyed reading the comments and then seeing your edits. I love a good villanelle and someone who even tries to write like this anymore.

You've improved remarkably well in your two edits, but there is one line...JUST ONE, that sticks out:

"Bright orange starlight starts to spill,"

When you read this out loud you get, "starLIGHT", which automatically creates a pause. Nitpicky...yes, but you break the pattern of all the first lines of each stanza.

You could read it as, "BRIGHT orange starlight starts to spill", and that keeps the meter, but none of your other beginning stanza lines start with that emphasis. You keep a consistent emphasis on the third or fourth syllable.

I so appreciate the read and comment, Time Out. Although I came to the site with this one, the pen is a great place to work on forms, you'll find two excellent new villes by Tiger in the NaPM.

I still often have poor poet's wishful thinking with my meter.
I am saying: bright ORange STARlight STARTS to SPILL.
Could you scan the whole line for me so I can see how you end up where you are?

Then again, it's a pretty awful line, your attention to it makes me want to change it anyway

Well, thanks all, I'll give the thread a thorough read and see what happens.

Okay so this is how I read each beginning line:

A moonbeam's TRAIL which winds downHILL

Across the LAKE, in midnight's STILL,

Light focused TIGHT enough to FILL

Sir owl's HOOT and barn wren's TRILL

Bright orange starLIGHT starts to SPILL (if you read it this way, you'll hear the pause I'm talking about)

White swans' reFLECtive wing and BILL

Hope that helps?