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Staring sadly, soft and silent
my soul just yearns for more
my cries for help are harshly muffled
yet I live to see another day
Another day I sulk in self-pity
another day to get out of bed
to see my peers, manic and loud
and me just there, just starring
Nobody gets close
I'm not good for their time
Nobody says "Hi"
they wouldn't waste their breath
Yet I hold back my anger
and I hold back immense sadness
I keep it all in
to save it for another day
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Joined: Mar 2013
If speaker is staring around soft and sadly, just starring, it's no wonder people stay away. Maybe people would come closer if they had a better idea about who the speaker is as a person beyond the staring.
And I'd be more interested, too.
As it is now, I don't know if speaker is sad first, and ostracised second; or if speaker is sad because he's ostracised. Clarification of that would be helpful.
I'd add that the sound of the writing is alright. It doesn't hang-up on my lips, so that's a plus. But do make me want to have sympathy for speaker by making them more than just a sad, staring figure.
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(05-07-2013, 12:48 PM)albino-rino-5000 Wrote: Staring sadly, soft and silent
my soul just yearns for more
my cries for help are harshly muffled
yet I live to see another day
Another day I sulk in self-pity
another day to get out of bed
to see my peers, manic and loud
and me just there, just starring
Nobody gets close
I'm not good for their time
Nobody says "Hi"
they wouldn't waste their breath
Yet I hold back my anger
and I hold back immense sadness
I keep it all in
to save it for another day
Use concrete details and try to explain in tactile senses. Perhaps write about things that do not involve you personally. Keep at it.
Posts: 280
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I must agree with NakedBear on the narrator. I wasn't able to sympathize with the narrator, because I don't know much about the person. There was not enough depth, for me to be able to engage myself in the poem.
Thanks for the read.
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I liked the way the very first line sounded. I think there is definitely something in this poem so keep going with it
maybe add a few more details
