Eve was the Snake

[fourtimefelon]

Left alone in silence, unable to figure out the science
No way to tabulate, calculate, or even postulate
Let alone stipulate - the reason why you sneak around
belly to the ground, and bold faced lie

You keep me dangling from a hook, teased and toyed every which way I look
Why don't I just close this book?
Instead I shrug into my coat and fight the storm - No use
It just leaves me exhausted, withered, and forlorn
And still I worship your heavenly form
Down on my knees I pray!

But I know what you do in the dark, your sins, they light up like a spark, bright as day!
The rudeness of your fire chars my flesh, these two souls were never meant to mesh
Destiny has put me to the test, beaten and smashed, my wounds still burning fresh
All but obvious I have failed just like all the rest

The silence breaks - Only sounds are my own cries of why
Why so many lies
I wallow and think and die and sink in my own putrid stink
A stench of self-pity and sad decay
I begin to rue the day we met, wish I'd of written you off -then-
I start to drive myself insane -again-

How could I have been so slow to realize that she was not my friend?

[ThePoetCreatrix]

I think you did a brilliant job of rhyming and using multiple metaphors. I enjoyed the concept that you're a fish hooked on this Eve snake, the line about fire charring your flesh, and the storm metaphor. I didn't find the same innovation in the fourth paragraph as the other three although I did appreciate the decision to keep the last line simple and to the point. Well done!

[Cody Phoenix]

I liked the rhyming and free form writing here, great metaphor's as well. I believe you could definitely improve on some literary devices like rhyme schemes if you would like to further your rhyming more. I'm a rapper and i'm always writing songs with crazy scheme works embedded into it, multisyllabylic rhymes and flow. If you'd ever like to know more about that, feel free to send me a message! Also I enjoyed the topic, much can be said about it and it was really good. Have a good one and stay at it!

[billy]

hi4tf

lots to like about it. a couple of things i noticed. some lines are wordy, ( i saw you're into rap and am thinking you're working to beat in your head) we reader's may not hear all of your rhythms. that said, many of them work well. next; you have more than an odd cliche. again, cliche often go unnoticed in song but stand out like bulls in proverbial china shops.

Left alone in silence, unable to figure out the science
No way to tabulate, calculate, or even postulate
Let alone stipulate - the reason why you sneak around
belly to the ground, and bold faced lie

You keep me dangling from a hook, teased and toyed every which way I look
Why don't I just close this book?
Instead I shrug into my coat and fight the storm - No use
It just leaves me exhausted, withered, and forlorn
And still I worship your heavenly form
Down on my knees I pray!

But I know what you do in the dark, your sins, they light up like a spark, bright as day!
The rudeness of your fire chars my flesh, these two souls were never meant to mesh
Destiny has put me to the test, beaten and smashed, my wounds still burning fresh
All but obvious I have failed just like all the rest

The silence breaks - Only sounds are my own cries of why
Why so many lies
I wallow and think and die and sink in my own putrid stink
A stench of self-pity and sad decay
I begin to rue the day we met, wish I'd of written you off -then-
I start to drive myself insane -again-

How could I have been so slow to realize that she was not my friend?

[fourtimefelon]

Thanks for the feedback, I was definitely working to a beat in my head, and if I were to speak this to someone its definitely more of a rap I suppose. As far as the last line, thepoetcreatrix, I actually wrote that down on a piece of paper after some stuff happened, and the rest of it came out backwards. And I do realize that fish on a hook and snake and lies and stuff are fairly cliche, but while stereotypes and cliches can be boring and definitely over used, I feel that they become cliche because they strike such a vibrant chord inside of the people who read and write or sing or hear the words. I mean, who hasn't felt like a worm on a hook BC of the way someone treats them? And if that's the point I'm trying to convey, I wonder why I should risk losing it in a metaphor that only I can decipher, ya know? Just thoughts. Thanks for all the input. Never shared any stuff before.