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In the glum grey gloom
of a cold spring morning
I hear raindrops fall.
Luxurious bark,
the vast expansive branches,
lofty ascension.
Long before sunrise
through a window in the clouds,
the turquoise twilight.
In the sweet Morning
I walk around the garden
inhaling the bliss.
 wae aye man ye radgie
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the alliteration in the first feels a little foced but the poem as a whole is okay.
luxurious seems like too luxurious a word to use, do you need 'the' in the 2nd. again i enjoyed the poem.
is 'the' needed in the last line of the 3rd, i think this one is almost excellent 
again with the last line of the 4th, is 'the' needed. another keeper.
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(05-08-2013, 07:39 PM)billy Wrote: the alliteration in the first feels a little foced but the poem as a whole is okay.
luxurious seems like too luxurious a word to use, do you need 'the' in the 2nd. again i enjoyed the poem.
is 'the' needed in the last line of the 3rd, i think this one is almost excellent
again with the last line of the 4th, is 'the' needed. another keeper.
Hi Billy thanks for the comments,
I feel that you are definitely right about all the unnecessary use of 'the'. And that is due to me wanting to stay mostly with the 5-7-5 syllable format, which I know most people would say is not necessary and sometimes impractical in modern English language haiku. But there is a modern haiku writer called Richard Wright who for the most part sticks to the 5-7-5 format for whatever reason and in my opinion has wrote some of the best modern haiku that I have read. Have you read any of his stuff?
I will edit these as regards the "the's" (if that makes sense).
I'll take a look at 'luxurious' again but at the time it seemed perfect, and it's such a beautiful sounding word but I know what you mean by 'too luxurious'.
Thanks again for the honesty.
AR
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I agree on the 'the's. I like it very much as a whole, but my favorite got to be the third.
'Long before sunrise
through a window in the clouds,
the turquoise twilight.'
I've admired that picture in real so many times, and just dreamed myself flying out of the window.
Beautiful.
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(05-10-2013, 01:16 AM)Volaticus Wrote: I agree on the 'the's. I like it very much as a whole, but my favorite got to be the third.
'Long before sunrise
through a window in the clouds,
the turquoise twilight.'
I've admired that picture in real so many times, and just dreamed myself flying out of the window.
Beautiful.
Thanks once again for the kind comments Volaticus,
I am in the process of editing these and then I shall repost it and see what people think, I'm going to try and stay away from the 5-7-5 format from now on, I think that has been my downfall at times. And also the 'turquoise twilight' one is my favourite, but Billy is right in saying that is almost excellent, and that's good enough reason to try and make it excellent. Turquoise is such a beautiful word it feels like you can't fail when using it.
I myself have also admired that picture so many times, and because you live in Denmark which is almost as far north as where I am in the north of Scotland then you'll know exactly what I mean. I wrote that one last year near the summer solstice June 21st ish and at that time if its a clear night it doesn't really get properly dark and the colours int the sky are spectacular, and all its all about to start again soon.
Thanks once again.
AR
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05-10-2013, 09:43 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-10-2013, 09:44 AM by billy.)
the 575 format. don't try and stay away from and don't try and adhere to it, just write the poem
no i haven't read him 
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(05-10-2013, 08:42 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: Thanks once again for the kind comments Volaticus,
I am in the process of editing these and then I shall repost it and see what people think, I'm going to try and stay away from the 5-7-5 format from now on, I think that has been my downfall at times. And also the 'turquoise twilight' one is my favourite, but Billy is right in saying that is almost excellent, and that's good enough reason to try and make it excellent. Turquoise is such a beautiful word it feels like you can't fail when using it.
I myself have also admired that picture so many times, and because you live in Denmark which is almost as far north as where I am in the north of Scotland then you'll know exactly what I mean. I wrote that one last year near the summer solstice June 21st ish and at that time if its a clear night it doesn't really get properly dark and the colours int the sky are spectacular, and all its all about to start again soon.
Thanks once again.
AR
You are most welcome
I will very much look forward to reading your edits when you're finished with them. And I so much agree about the 'turquoise'. I think it's a very pleasurable word to speak out loud. The sound of it feels comfortable for my mouth.
You're right, I know exactly what you mean. These days I'm almost 'tripping' from all the changes in the nature, and the beauty of lights and shadows. It's a wonderful time of the year, and it will only increase in beauty.
When you said you were from Northern Scotland it made so much sense to me, to why your poems speak so much to my heart. It truly is beautiful up there and I really hope I get to see it for myself, someday. And that beauty is clearly seen in your writing. And as you said yourself, we almost live equally north, so many of the things you can see, I can see. And that's a lot of the things I myself am fascinated about.
My best,
LB
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