Little Dancers

[knicodemus3]

Sunlight pierces my window,
lines of yellow split the room.
Filling the air in humble splendor,
forgotten throngs of a dusty ensemble.

They fade into view, taking the stage,
dancing, twirling, flipping, turning,
up and down, about and around.

There seems a purpose to their presence
a music to their moves,
a story to be told.

I ponder what story it could be
that these tiny dancers sing to me.
Its meaning awaiting discovery,
if only I had a cipher.

Before I blink, they cross into the shadows,
lost forever but still dancing,
replaced by another but still spinning,
not in my view but still in my room,
the story still unfolds.

[Magpie]

Hi,
I like this little poem, and the subject matter is interestingly different, very different. The only thing that I might have a problem with is the first line, "crosses" doesn't sound right and I'm unsure if it is grammatically correct. Perhaps "pours in" might work better.
It's quite a change from your first poem, excellent.
Thank you.

[Volaticus]

I think this is a fine poem, and the subject is described in an engaging way. If you put in a few more periods, I think it would read more easy. In line 3, I think it would fit better with the rest of the poem, if you replaced "there" with "here". Not saying I'm right, but to me that would connect the poem more to the narrator, and therefore connect me more to the poem.
I enjoyed the read, so thanks for sharing.

[knicodemus3]

Ambrosial,

thanks for the comments! I agree the verb maybe doesn't fit well, especially since I use it later in the poem. I wanted something that gives the sunlight a more definitive shape though instead of "pours in," I might go with "pierces." Thanks again!

---

LB,

Thanks! The comment about using "here" definitely helped! I reformatted the poem too; I guess it could have used some more structure. Thanks for reading!

[YaMarVa]

I would like to read more about their "story to be told".

Good description of something I witness often but consider little.

[knicodemus3]

I was thinking of adding this as a third stanza, thoughts?

Mysteries, do they whisper?
Am I the first to listen?
What could I use for a cipher,
to know what one’s life has been?

[Volaticus]

I was thinking of adding this as a third stanza, thoughts?

Mysteries, do they whisper?
Am I the first to listen?
What could I use for a cipher,
to know what one’s life has been?

This is JMHO, but to me it doesn't fit as well, as the stanzas you already have. For me, it weakens the poem with the questions, and doesn't really add much to your otherwise very pretty poem. It's too abstract, but I like the idea of the 'cipher'. Maybe you could play around with that. Again, just my opinion. It's your poem to do with what you feel fit

[thatguyfromacrossthestreet]

The first stanza seems to be a little difficult to read. However, it's structure may be suited for the subject matter of the poem.

[knicodemus3]

thanks LB! I agree, that stanza was put together pretty quickly but doesn't relate much. Any thoughts on this one? thanks for all the input!!

I ponder what story it could be
that these little dancers sing to me.
Its meaning eluding indifferently,
if only I had a cipher.

[Volaticus]

thanks LB! I agree, that stanza was put together pretty quickly but doesn't relate much. Any thoughts on this one? thanks for all the input!!

I ponder what story it could be
that these little dancers sing to me.
Its meaning eluding indifferently,
if only I had a cipher.

Personally, I like this stanza better than the other one. It would fit in quite well after the third stanza, and it has relevance to the poem. I'm not sure 'bout the third line though. I think it's the 'eluding indifferently'. It seems vague to me. But all in all, this works better than the other stanza you posted, so well done.

[Sam33lynn]

Overall, I liked the poem. Most of the words fit together nicely and supported the dancing theme. The only word that caught me off guard was "migrating" in the first stanza due to the fact that it reminded me of animals. But again, overall, I thought it was thoughtful.

[heslopian]

The sunlight pierces the window, Reminds me of a Shakespeare line: "What light through yonder breaks", except your line is more violent
lines of yellow split the room. Good metaphor for several sunbeams.
Here they are, they fill the air, How can they fill the air if they're also splitting the room?
specks of whiteness migrating about. What are these "specks of whiteness", exactly? Are they the sunbeams or air motes? If the latter then I guess my note on L3 is void. Also, is "about" needed?

They fade into view, taking the stage,
dancing, twirling, flipping, turning,
up and down, about and around. I like the dancing comparison, though I'm still unsure whether you mean sunbeams or air motes. Due to my interpretation of the evidence thus fair I'll henceforth assume that you mean the latter.

There seems a method to their madness, You haven't really implied that the motes' "method" is haphazard or "mad" before; on the contrary, you've compared them to professional dancers; so this line feels redundant. It's also cliche, so I'd recommend deleting it and adding "there seems" to L2 of this verse.
a music to their moves,
a story to be told.

Before I blink, they cross into the shadows,
lost forever but still dancing, Good line.
replaced by another but still spinning,
not in my view but still in my room,
the story still unfolds.

A neat and descriptive poem which makes luminous a very simple idea. My above critique is all JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read.