Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2013
Hi all, I am new here and this is something I wrote recently and would love the feedback on. I am a spoken word poet/rapper and a very dark influenced writer, Edgar Allen Poe being one of my favorite writers of all time *hint-hint*. I hope you all like reading this and have some critique to offer me, I thank you in advance and cant wait to see your replies.
Evil looms of a tyrant; rumored throughout history; clues of a titan..
'cruel as it's violence pursuing this life and piercing moons with a silence',
haunting whispers deafen sounds in depths of the nethered descensions
'sharper than water, more silent than air, spread through every dimension-
be it thy deadliest message it comes stalking every death that it's beckoned,
one swing of his scythe bellows blistering sighs vexed with a vengeance,
'tis the black maw of hexes embellished with hellish elements of malevolence;
turn a regiment to excrement in tourniquets' merciless' deception's testaments;
put the world in detriments with my mind that is desolate spewing pestilence,
blood'll leak through your pours as you feel grue, turned blue; fueling an exodus,
gifts that're demonically inclined unearthing; stewing the fumes as an exorcist,
drew from its crevices... stains blanketing floors with sin and bewildering whims;
thou ecliptic doom be an arisen wound lay on a hilt of their kin;
chills in the wind lay siege; hate breeds; pining the kill of a king;
bound in the beginning; "o' heartless one.. the city of Tarsis' son",
bringer of death, the linger of heaven, hell and the Darkest sun,
from harlots and charlatans put in eternal slumber's artist dun -
to the chilled still of a witches tongue lay a grim hindered love,
wind's churn a withered curse; loosening grips of shivered burns;
those that have blamed plague made waste of their coveted omen,
loveless, ferocious; lusting and hopeless as a plummeting crow brinks,
foreshadowing logic; "non compos mentis"; being thee ominous retribution,
calm as I lessen illusions of lies fusing inside a crucifix of gruesome alignments;
awry with chaos, disorder, I crave God's adornments; A misplaced arch of lordship,
bellowing through ancient; seeping through every crack of pavement,
witness the sky fall ashes of cataclysm that ever-last evisceration,
silhouettes of my doppelganger's constantly follow you, all of you,
embedded within every one of your souls, driven 'till your call of truth,
you beckon thee among exit scenes, I now come as this pawn in rouge,
slaying every one faux in lieu of the throne, this is you who has chose,-
every sickly woe in the folds of eternity that emerges the queue of penumbra;
summoning every apparition's gloom, set forth wickedness; strew with it's comer,
you lay under my cover of night, storms churn for me as I am the drummer of blight,
cometh o' might which not even a God to attest thee; unleashing vortexes funneling light...
Death shall begin as I awaken bringing fires to rages, squires in faceless dismay,
ashes will be o' the coming of all beckoned courageous; decayed; for this place,
where rigor mortis be laid, rooted from the stems of history traced in the graves..
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-06-2013, 03:16 PM)Cody Phoenix Wrote: Hi all, I am new here and this is something I wrote recently and would love the feedback on. I am a spoken word poet/rapper and a very dark influenced writer, Edgar Allen Poe being one of my favorite writers of all time *hint-hint*. I hope you all like reading this and have some critique to offer me, I thank you in advance and cant wait to see your replies.
Evil looms of a tyrant; rumored throughout history; clues of a titan..
'cruel as it's violence pursuing this life and piercing moons with a silence',
haunting whispers deafen sounds in depths of the nethered descensions
'sharper than water, more silent than air, spread through every dimension-
be it thy deadliest message it comes stalking every death that it's beckoned,
one swing of his scythe bellows blistering sighs vexed with a vengeance,
'tis the black maw of hexes embellished with hellish elements of malevolence;
turn a regiment to excrement in tourniquets' merciless' deception's testaments;
put the world in detriments with my mind that is desolate spewing pestilence,
blood'll leak through your pours as you feel grue, turned blue; fueling an exodus,
gifts that're demonically inclined unearthing; stewing the fumes as an exorcist,
drew from its crevices... stains blanketing floors with sin and bewildering whims;
thou ecliptic doom be an arisen wound lay on a hilt of their kin;
chills in the wind lay siege; hate breeds; pining the kill of a king;
bound in the beginning; "o' heartless one.. the city of Tarsis' son",
bringer of death, the linger of heaven, hell and the Darkest sun,
from harlots and charlatans put in eternal slumber's artist dun -
to the chilled still of a witches tongue lay a grim hindered love,
wind's churn a withered curse; loosening grips of shivered burns;
those that have blamed plague made waste of their coveted omen,
loveless, ferocious; lusting and hopeless as a plummeting crow brinks,
foreshadowing logic; "non compos mentis"; being thee ominous retribution,
calm as I lessen illusions of lies fusing inside a crucifix of gruesome alignments;
awry with chaos, disorder, I crave God's adornments; A misplaced arch of lordship,
bellowing through ancient; seeping through every crack of pavement,
witness the sky fall ashes of cataclysm that ever-last evisceration,
silhouettes of my doppelganger's constantly follow you, all of you,
embedded within every one of your souls, driven 'till your call of truth,
you beckon thee among exit scenes, I now come as this pawn in rouge,
slaying every one faux in lieu of the throne, this is you who has chose,-
every sickly woe in the folds of eternity that emerges the queue of penumbra;
summoning every apparition's gloom, set forth wickedness; strew with it's comer,
you lay under my cover of night, storms churn for me as I am the drummer of blight,
cometh o' might which not even a God to attest thee; unleashing vortexes funneling light...
Death shall begin as I awaken bringing fires to rages, squires in faceless dismay,
ashes will be o' the coming of all beckoned courageous; decayed; for this place,
where rigor mortis be laid, rooted from the stems of history traced in the graves.. Hi cody,
No line by line on this one because you are better served by a resume, notwithstanding the very noble confession that you are a rap thingy, which helps to explain the peculiarity of form, I believe that the whole thing is dreadfully dated and old-hat. Rap rap.
You suffer badly from involuntary colonic discharge in the first few lines, then rapidly spiral into a cauldron of seething punctuation potage. Because the genre, to over dignify it, is riddled with drug induced perceptions of reality, persecution complexes and paranoia it is unsurprisingly monotonous to read, being nothing more than a gruel of gruesome gerunds, the trademark of the rapper rapp(ing).
I would like to believe that the hyperbolic rhetoric was the result of some tightly controlled poetic ability manifesting as an example of what skill with words alone can do...but I cannot. What I see here is just the same old same old mix of an expression of life by someone in a four by four room with a Sony Playstation (not even an X-box), churning out Gothic gunge, hoping E.A.Poe was intalactchall 'enu'ff to name-drop, and dreaming of the next level of Dungeons and Dragons (or whatever is current). Sorry. I admit to my own inadequacies in dealing with this sort of stuff but that is not because I have read too little of it...frankly, I have read too much. Oh, one more thing...it is utter rubbish.
I bet you could write a really good bit of poetry if you decided too. Why not give it a shot?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
Hi Cody, I am overwhelmed. Reading this through was a ponderous journey. I give you A for effort ;- nethered descensions, ever-last isceration? I recognize your potential for writing and suggest you
pull the good things out of this (forget the intent to impress). They are there, keep writing.
My best
Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2013
(05-06-2013, 05:52 PM)tectak Wrote: (05-06-2013, 03:16 PM)Cody Phoenix Wrote: Hi all, I am new here and this is something I wrote recently and would love the feedback on. I am a spoken word poet/rapper and a very dark influenced writer, Edgar Allen Poe being one of my favorite writers of all time *hint-hint*. I hope you all like reading this and have some critique to offer me, I thank you in advance and cant wait to see your replies.
Evil looms of a tyrant; rumored throughout history; clues of a titan..
'cruel as it's violence pursuing this life and piercing moons with a silence',
haunting whispers deafen sounds in depths of the nethered descensions
'sharper than water, more silent than air, spread through every dimension-
be it thy deadliest message it comes stalking every death that it's beckoned,
one swing of his scythe bellows blistering sighs vexed with a vengeance,
'tis the black maw of hexes embellished with hellish elements of malevolence;
turn a regiment to excrement in tourniquets' merciless' deception's testaments;
put the world in detriments with my mind that is desolate spewing pestilence,
blood'll leak through your pours as you feel grue, turned blue; fueling an exodus,
gifts that're demonically inclined unearthing; stewing the fumes as an exorcist,
drew from its crevices... stains blanketing floors with sin and bewildering whims;
thou ecliptic doom be an arisen wound lay on a hilt of their kin;
chills in the wind lay siege; hate breeds; pining the kill of a king;
bound in the beginning; "o' heartless one.. the city of Tarsis' son",
bringer of death, the linger of heaven, hell and the Darkest sun,
from harlots and charlatans put in eternal slumber's artist dun -
to the chilled still of a witches tongue lay a grim hindered love,
wind's churn a withered curse; loosening grips of shivered burns;
those that have blamed plague made waste of their coveted omen,
loveless, ferocious; lusting and hopeless as a plummeting crow brinks,
foreshadowing logic; "non compos mentis"; being thee ominous retribution,
calm as I lessen illusions of lies fusing inside a crucifix of gruesome alignments;
awry with chaos, disorder, I crave God's adornments; A misplaced arch of lordship,
bellowing through ancient; seeping through every crack of pavement,
witness the sky fall ashes of cataclysm that ever-last evisceration,
silhouettes of my doppelganger's constantly follow you, all of you,
embedded within every one of your souls, driven 'till your call of truth,
you beckon thee among exit scenes, I now come as this pawn in rouge,
slaying every one faux in lieu of the throne, this is you who has chose,-
every sickly woe in the folds of eternity that emerges the queue of penumbra;
summoning every apparition's gloom, set forth wickedness; strew with it's comer,
you lay under my cover of night, storms churn for me as I am the drummer of blight,
cometh o' might which not even a God to attest thee; unleashing vortexes funneling light...
Death shall begin as I awaken bringing fires to rages, squires in faceless dismay,
ashes will be o' the coming of all beckoned courageous; decayed; for this place,
where rigor mortis be laid, rooted from the stems of history traced in the graves.. Hi cody,
No line by line on this one because you are better served by a resume, notwithstanding the very noble confession that you are a rap thingy, which helps to explain the peculiarity of form, I believe that the whole thing is dreadfully dated and old-hat. Rap rap.
You suffer badly from involuntary colonic discharge in the first few lines, then rapidly spiral into a cauldron of seething punctuation potage. Because the genre, to over dignify it, is riddled with drug induced perceptions of reality, persecution complexes and paranoia it is unsurprisingly monotonous to read, being nothing more than a gruel of gruesome gerunds, the trademark of the rapper rapp(ing).
I would like to believe that the hyperbolic rhetoric was the result of some tightly controlled poetic ability manifesting as an example of what skill with words alone can do...but I cannot. What I see here is just the same old same old mix of an expression of life by someone in a four by four room with a Sony Playstation (not even an X-box), churning out Gothic gunge, hoping E.A.Poe was intalactchall 'enu'ff to name-drop, and dreaming of the next level of Dungeons and Dragons (or whatever is current). Sorry. I admit to my own inadequacies in dealing with this sort of stuff but that is not because I have read too little of it...frankly, I have read too much. Oh, one more thing...it is utter rubbish.
I bet you could write a really good bit of poetry if you decided too. Why not give it a shot?
Best,
tectak
Ermm.. Thanks!? I joined this site for feedback like this especially, I can write in prose, haiku, topical and that's it. I'm sorry this wasn't your cup of tea and I'll take a dab at poetry you're all used to seeing sometime, then. Seems like you were flat out just ragging on my work though, which is disrespectful and where I come from.. you get a diss for that, keep your mindless babbling to yourself next time though!
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-07-2013, 04:38 AM)Cody Phoenix Wrote: (05-06-2013, 05:52 PM)tectak Wrote: (05-06-2013, 03:16 PM)Cody Phoenix Wrote: Hi all, I am new here and this is something I wrote recently and would love the feedback on. I am a spoken word poet/rapper and a very dark influenced writer, Edgar Allen Poe being one of my favorite writers of all time *hint-hint*. I hope you all like reading this and have some critique to offer me, I thank you in advance and cant wait to see your replies.
Evil looms of a tyrant; rumored throughout history; clues of a titan..
'cruel as it's violence pursuing this life and piercing moons with a silence',
haunting whispers deafen sounds in depths of the nethered descensions
'sharper than water, more silent than air, spread through every dimension-
be it thy deadliest message it comes stalking every death that it's beckoned,
one swing of his scythe bellows blistering sighs vexed with a vengeance,
'tis the black maw of hexes embellished with hellish elements of malevolence;
turn a regiment to excrement in tourniquets' merciless' deception's testaments;
put the world in detriments with my mind that is desolate spewing pestilence,
blood'll leak through your pours as you feel grue, turned blue; fueling an exodus,
gifts that're demonically inclined unearthing; stewing the fumes as an exorcist,
drew from its crevices... stains blanketing floors with sin and bewildering whims;
thou ecliptic doom be an arisen wound lay on a hilt of their kin;
chills in the wind lay siege; hate breeds; pining the kill of a king;
bound in the beginning; "o' heartless one.. the city of Tarsis' son",
bringer of death, the linger of heaven, hell and the Darkest sun,
from harlots and charlatans put in eternal slumber's artist dun -
to the chilled still of a witches tongue lay a grim hindered love,
wind's churn a withered curse; loosening grips of shivered burns;
those that have blamed plague made waste of their coveted omen,
loveless, ferocious; lusting and hopeless as a plummeting crow brinks,
foreshadowing logic; "non compos mentis"; being thee ominous retribution,
calm as I lessen illusions of lies fusing inside a crucifix of gruesome alignments;
awry with chaos, disorder, I crave God's adornments; A misplaced arch of lordship,
bellowing through ancient; seeping through every crack of pavement,
witness the sky fall ashes of cataclysm that ever-last evisceration,
silhouettes of my doppelganger's constantly follow you, all of you,
embedded within every one of your souls, driven 'till your call of truth,
you beckon thee among exit scenes, I now come as this pawn in rouge,
slaying every one faux in lieu of the throne, this is you who has chose,-
every sickly woe in the folds of eternity that emerges the queue of penumbra;
summoning every apparition's gloom, set forth wickedness; strew with it's comer,
you lay under my cover of night, storms churn for me as I am the drummer of blight,
cometh o' might which not even a God to attest thee; unleashing vortexes funneling light...
Death shall begin as I awaken bringing fires to rages, squires in faceless dismay,
ashes will be o' the coming of all beckoned courageous; decayed; for this place,
where rigor mortis be laid, rooted from the stems of history traced in the graves.. Hi cody,
No line by line on this one because you are better served by a resume, notwithstanding the very noble confession that you are a rap thingy, which helps to explain the peculiarity of form, I believe that the whole thing is dreadfully dated and old-hat. Rap rap.
You suffer badly from involuntary colonic discharge in the first few lines, then rapidly spiral into a cauldron of seething punctuation potage. Because the genre, to over dignify it, is riddled with drug induced perceptions of reality, persecution complexes and paranoia it is unsurprisingly monotonous to read, being nothing more than a gruel of gruesome gerunds, the trademark of the rapper rapp(ing).
I would like to believe that the hyperbolic rhetoric was the result of some tightly controlled poetic ability manifesting as an example of what skill with words alone can do...but I cannot. What I see here is just the same old same old mix of an expression of life by someone in a four by four room with a Sony Playstation (not even an X-box), churning out Gothic gunge, hoping E.A.Poe was intalactchall 'enu'ff to name-drop, and dreaming of the next level of Dungeons and Dragons (or whatever is current). Sorry. I admit to my own inadequacies in dealing with this sort of stuff but that is not because I have read too little of it...frankly, I have read too much. Oh, one more thing...it is utter rubbish.
I bet you could write a really good bit of poetry if you decided too. Why not give it a shot?
Best,
tectak
Ermm.. Thanks!? I joined this site for feedback like this especially, I can write in prose, haiku, topical and that's it. I'm sorry this wasn't your cup of tea and I'll take a dab at poetry you're all used to seeing sometime, then. Seems like you were flat out just ragging on my work though, which is disrespectful and where I come from.. you get a diss for that, keep your mindless babbling to yourself next time though! OK,
Be happy,
best,
tectak
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
Hi Cody, let me apologize if I was rude in my comments. I want to say that my suggestions are just that and to be binned at will. I think you have tremendous potential, your vocabulary is outstanding, I did find this poem difficult but I see that you are a very capable writer. Do not take critique to heart, You should see some of the things that have been said about my "stuff".
I have grown used to it ;-).
My best,
Heart
Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2013
(05-07-2013, 06:09 AM)Heartafire Wrote: Hi Cody, let me apologize if I was rude in my comments. I want to say that my suggestions are just that and to be binned at will. I think you have tremendous potential, your vocabulary is outstanding, I did find this poem difficult but I see that you are a very capable writer. Do not take critique to heart, You should see some of the things that have been said about my "stuff".
I have grown used to it ;-).
My best,
Heart
I am very used to constructive criticism and blunt honesty, your feedback didn't bother me in any way, nor Tecktak's, I just didn't appreciate the way he went about it. There wasn't anything said but negative comments, nothing to help me as a writer... and to me, that's disrespectful and seems like he just blatantly did it. Also I am fully aware that this style of writing isn't what you're all generally used to so i'm expecting to get tore up from time to time, but only if it's to help me, not insult me. I also have a piece called "Chris?.." that I posted recently as well if you'd like to check it out in the novice section, I got that published a while back.
thank you.
(05-07-2013, 06:16 AM)trueenigma Wrote: (05-07-2013, 04:38 AM)Cody Phoenix Wrote: (05-06-2013, 05:52 PM)tectak Wrote: Hi cody,
No line by line on this one because you are better served by a resume, notwithstanding the very noble confession that you are a rap thingy, which helps to explain the peculiarity of form, I believe that the whole thing is dreadfully dated and old-hat. Rap rap.
You suffer badly from involuntary colonic discharge in the first few lines, then rapidly spiral into a cauldron of seething punctuation potage. Because the genre, to over dignify it, is riddled with drug induced perceptions of reality, persecution complexes and paranoia it is unsurprisingly monotonous to read, being nothing more than a gruel of gruesome gerunds, the trademark of the rapper rapp(ing).
I would like to believe that the hyperbolic rhetoric was the result of some tightly controlled poetic ability manifesting as an example of what skill with words alone can do...but I cannot. What I see here is just the same old same old mix of an expression of life by someone in a four by four room with a Sony Playstation (not even an X-box), churning out Gothic gunge, hoping E.A.Poe was intalactchall 'enu'ff to name-drop, and dreaming of the next level of Dungeons and Dragons (or whatever is current). Sorry. I admit to my own inadequacies in dealing with this sort of stuff but that is not because I have read too little of it...frankly, I have read too much. Oh, one more thing...it is utter rubbish.
I bet you could write a really good bit of poetry if you decided too. Why not give it a shot?
Best,
tectak
Ermm.. Thanks!? I joined this site for feedback like this especially, I can write in prose, haiku, topical and that's it. I'm sorry this wasn't your cup of tea and I'll take a dab at poetry you're all used to seeing sometime, then. Seems like you were flat out just ragging on my work though, which is disrespectful and where I come from.. you get a diss for that, keep your mindless babbling to yourself next time though!
Hey man, you ain't as sof as da one time up in dis hizzy, anyway, right? If u a g den jus lay back and keep it rizzy, as up in hur we write poetry. He's sayin it aint a poem. And it aint. He gave you props, said he thinks you got the skills to write one. A real one. Not a half rap with some old words thrown in. Put some imagery and some reality into it.
haha, I guess that explains a lot, and Okay! this is strictly a text styled verse with rhyme schemes being followed with inner syllabylic rhymes though, not made for audio in any way! 
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
I was going to write a detailed 'map for improvement' due to this being in 'serious' and all but to be honest, I couldn't make it through the whole thing. The logic train, the grammar, the punctuation, the phrasing, none of it seemed to work for me. For a while I was really into surreal poetry, which suffers from many of these same traits but I loved it. I think the difference is the surrealists seem to capture imagery with a visceral detail while you seem to be alienating the reader from the images with a deliberate application of abstraction. For example "one swing of his scythe bellows blistering sighs vexed with a vengeance" gives me nothing at all to sink my teeth into. Someone (a nameless 'nemesis' of some sort or another) is swinging a scythe that is making blistering noises that are also vexed noises? And how are these noises vexed? With vengeance, it seems. I cannot imagine I have any clue what a vengeance-vexed blistering-bellowed sigh sounds like. Is htis a good sound? Does it sound like the moans of a cow that is being eaten alive by a werewof? That, I think I could imagine! Anyway, take it as you will, just trying to help, though, to be fair to the other posters, this should probably be in the mild forum.
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