NEVER MADE IT.......A Blind man's prayer

[religare231]

NEVER MADE IT.......A Blind man's prayer

Whenever i look towards the sky,
I can feel your your radiant smile spreading it's wings,
Around the heavenly dark skies


It doesn't bother me why i never made it so high in life,
I couldn't be a wise man for i never had the sense and humour,
I couldn't preach god cause i had no hope,
I couldn't feel the sun for i was so lost in my dreams,


Now im here all by myself waiting for a new beginning,
Waiting for someone to show me the way,
All my life i have carried over my thoughts,
I couldn't raise a family cause no one would want me,
I feel so lost, that i no longer need to see where im going,
It's surely not home where im headed,
For my eyes are so tired that i can never see the world

[Magpie]

Hi religare231,
That's another interesting poem that you've got there. It is a really sad poem which I'm sure it was your intention to convey such emotion.
First thing I would is that there isn't a single full, which I'm sure you are aware of because in your last two poems they were used although somewhat sparingly. So I can only presume that this was intentional, but I do feel that this type of poem and the way it is set out would benefit greatly from; not only full stops but punctuation in general. For example you used apostrophes for the words couldn't and doesn't but not for im (I'm). Also the second sentence phrase "radiant smile spreading it's wings" should not have apostrophe for its.
First stanza uses the words "sky" and then "skies" which sounds to repetitive. Did you mean "sense of humour" as opposed to "sense and humour" although in some ways both make sense.
It might all sound like petty observations but with the correct punctuation it would read a lot easier. Do you read your poems back to yourself, because this can help you get a feel for where punctuation should go.
Hope this is of some use, and I look forward to reading more.

[Pilgrim]

NEVER MADE IT.......A Blind man's prayer

Whenever i look towards the sky,
I can feel your your radiant smile spreading it's wings,
Around the heavenly dark skies


It doesn't bother me why i never made it so high in life,
I couldn't be a wise man for i never had the sense and humour,
I couldn't preach god cause i had no hope,
I couldn't feel the sun for i was so lost in my dreams,


Now im here all by myself waiting for a new beginning,
Waiting for someone to show me the way,
All my life i have carried over my thoughts,
I couldn't raise a family cause no one would want me,
I feel so lost, that i no longer need to see where im going,
It's surely not home where im headed,
For my eyes are so tired that i can never see the world

Hello, religare321.

Oh, dear. I read your poem through several times, and each time came away with the overwhelming impression that here was a narrator who was blind in more ways than physically.

Here is someone weighed down with self-absorption and self-pity. Someone who has never heard of Helen Keller; who has never considered the courage, fortitude, and sheer dogged perseverance of those legions of blind people who live as fully-functioning human beings.

Who is this narrator (who couldn’t preach god) addressing? Surely not the Almighty!

Anyway, enough of the sermon – except perhaps to suggest that there must be many ways of re-structuring your poem so as to show your narrator espousing those attributes which every one of the Almighty’s creations possesses.

On a technical note, you really do need to pay closer attention to punctuation. This is something so fundamental as to invite or deter a prospective reader regardless of a poem’s content. Apostrophes are a problem to many people, yet the rules that govern their use are really very simple and are well worth taking the time to understand. The personal pronoun ‘I’ is always written as a capital letter – with the possible exception of its use in Haiku.

With best wishes for your future poetic endeavours, and the hope that you will accept these comments in the spirit in which they are offered.

Regards,

Pilgrim.