Personal Column

[Pilgrim]

Personal Column

When our goodbyes
were done,
and you walked
out of my life -
forever! so you said -
I promised myself
that I would forget you.
And I did – for a while.
But then you started
coming back,
just gradually at first:
your old blue shirt,
our favourite song,
a book we’d both read.
And then, suddenly,
you were everywhere.
All day long
and half the night;
in my thoughts
and in my dreams.
Dreaming?
I wake in the darkness,
and reach for you -
to find the loneliness
of empty space,
and cry myself
to sleep again.
It’s killing me.
So, please,
wherever you are,
leave me alone -
or come back to me.
Please.

[heslopian]

This is a surprisingly painful and poignant poem. I was prepared to assign it an "add more images, metaphor etc." critique, and though adding more of those couldn't hurt, I was struck by how moved I felt after about the halfway point. When I read the lines "But then you started/coming back" I assumed that you meant a physical, actual return, and was pleasantly surprised when I saw that you meant it in a metaphorical sense. There's real pain here, bolstered by the short lines and consistent, regular use of punctuation, which creates a heartbeat-like rhythm. Thank you for giving me a more emotional reading experience than I expected I thought I'd grown sick of love poems

[Smiffy]

Liked this, kinda been there more than enough so felt the emotion, just a few minor things I'd consider lookingat though as I say enjoyed as is.

When our goodbyes
were done,
and you walked
out of my life -
forever! so you said - maybe move forever up to follow life
I promised myself
that I would forget you.
And I did – for a while.
But then you started
coming back,
just gradually at first:
your old blue shirt,
our favourite song,
a book we’d both read.
And then, suddenly, lose the and, I don't think you need it
you were everywhere.
All day long
and half the night; [/i]again lose the and
in my thoughts
and in my dreams. again lose the and and move in my dreams up to follow thoughts losing the in
Dreaming? This does not work for me with the question mark
I wake in the darkness,
and reach for you -
to find the loneliness
of empty space,
and cry myself maybe crying myself
to sleep again.
It’s killing me.
So, please,
wherever you are,
leave me alone -
or come back to me.
Please. you could lose the please in my eyes, creates a sense of weakness rather than the ultimatum of come back or not

as I said enjoyed as is ,been there more often than I would care to admit
cheers for the read Smiffy

[BrotherKaramazov]

i removed the vid, help yourself in future

^couldn't help myself.

it seems honest, like this has really happened to you. Amiright? On the flip-side, it feels a little worn-out and cliche. Phrases like "cry myself to sleep," and "it's killing me," are just so overused that they've been made emotionally neutered.

[Pilgrim]

This is a surprisingly painful and poignant poem. I was prepared to assign it an "add more images, metaphor etc." critique, and though adding more of those couldn't hurt, I was struck by how moved I felt after about the halfway point. When I read the lines "But then you started/coming back" I assumed that you meant a physical, actual return, and was pleasantly surprised when I saw that you meant it in a metaphorical sense. There's real pain here, bolstered by the short lines and consistent, regular use of punctuation, which creates a heartbeat-like rhythm. Thank you for giving me a more emotional reading experience than I expected I thought I'd grown sick of love poems

Hello, Heslopian.

Thank you for your generous critique.

Indeed, I have much to learn about images, metaphor, etc – or as someone once more ably put it: “The life so short, the art so long to learn.”

As an aside, I agree that a surfeit of love poems soon becomes too much of a good thing, as they say.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

---

Liked this, kinda been there more than enough so felt the emotion, just a few minor things I'd consider lookingat though as I say enjoyed as is.

When our goodbyes
were done,
and you walked
out of my life -
forever! so you said - maybe move forever up to follow life
I promised myself
that I would forget you.
And I did – for a while.
But then you started
coming back,
just gradually at first:
your old blue shirt,
our favourite song,
a book we’d both read.
And then, suddenly, lose the and, I don't think you need it
you were everywhere.
All day long
and half the night; [/i]again lose the and
in my thoughts
and in my dreams. again lose the and and move in my dreams up to follow thoughts losing the in
Dreaming? This does not work for me with the question mark
I wake in the darkness,
and reach for you -
to find the loneliness
of empty space,
and cry myself maybe crying myself
to sleep again.
It’s killing me.
So, please,
wherever you are,
leave me alone -
or come back to me.
Please. you could lose the please in my eyes, creates a sense of weakness rather than the ultimatum of come back or not

as I said enjoyed as is ,been there more often than I would care to admit
cheers for the read Smiffy

Hello, Smiffy.

Thank you for your comments.

I will give much thought to your suggestions. My intention for this piece was to make it a cri de coeur, and I must be careful not to thwart that intention.

Thank you again.

Regards,

Pilgrim.

---

"YOUR HAIR IS EVERYWHEEEERRREEEE" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgvHT2J9s0E

^couldn't help myself.

it seems honest, like this has really happened to you. Amiright? On the flip-side, it feels a little worn-out and cliche. Phrases like "cry myself to sleep," and "it's killing me," are just so overused that they've been made emotionally neutered.

Hello, BrotherKaramazov.

Thank you for your comments.

As I said elsewhere, this piece was intended as a cri de coeur, so perhaps a little (poetic) licence regarding clichés was permissible?

Thank you again.

(Incidentally, your nom de plume reminded me that it’s years since I last read Dostoyevsky. Must get back to him.)

Regards,

Pilgrim.

[Magpie]

Hi Pilgrim,
Another good read, I also started thinking words like cliche right from the beginning but you managed to steer clear of them. The last five lines could possibly be written better, they don't quite fit in with the rest of the poem. Although saying this I do realise that it may be intentional to indicate the almost complete breakdown of the storyteller, but this could be done differently.
It's also very reminiscent of your first poem that you posted in it's style, the length of lines, and rhythm. It's obviously a style that you are comfortable with but I hope to see a few more different styles coming from you yet.
Thanks for the read and I look forward to number 3.
cheers.

[Pilgrim]

Hi Pilgrim,
Another good read, I also started thinking words like cliche right from the beginning but you managed to steer clear of them. The last five lines could possibly be written better, they don't quite fit in with the rest of the poem. Although saying this I do realise that it may be intentional to indicate the almost complete breakdown of the storyteller, but this could be done differently.
It's also very reminiscent of your first poem that you posted in it's style, the length of lines, and rhythm. It's obviously a style that you are comfortable with but I hope to see a few more different styles coming from you yet.
Thanks for the read and I look forward to number 3.
cheers.

Hello, ambrosial revelation.

Thank you for your comments – I do appreciate them.

My next effort (as soon as I’ve offered somebody a critique) will concentrate on rhyme and meter. So much to learn – it’s endless, isn’t it?

Regards,

Pilgtim.

[Volaticus]

I think there's a good flow overall, and the line breaks were quite effective in most places. But there are some lines I would consider a bit cliche ie. 'and cry myself/to sleep again.' and 'It's killing me'. And I think it would strengthen the poem if you left out the words 'please'. But I sincerely enjoyed the read, and I think it conveys some strong emotions, I especially liked this part:

'But then you started
coming back,
just gradually at first:
your old blue shirt,
our favourite song,
a book we’d both read.'

Thanks for the read

[Pilgrim]

I think there's a good flow overall, and the line breaks were quite effective in most places. But there are some lines I would consider a bit cliche ie. 'and cry myself/to sleep again.' and 'It's killing me'. And I think it would strengthen the poem if you left out the words 'please'. But I sincerely enjoyed the read, and I think it conveys some strong emotions, I especially liked this part:

'But then you started
coming back,
just gradually at first:
your old blue shirt,
our favourite song,
a book we’d both read.'

Thanks for the read

Hello, Volaticus.

Thank you for uour comments.

Regards,

Pilgrim.