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(06-20-2013, 08:35 AM)milo Wrote: (06-20-2013, 08:19 AM)Brownlie Wrote: (06-20-2013, 07:48 AM)milo Wrote: I think you are confused by the old "show don't tell" mantra. It is not axiomatic, it is a suggestion to use imagery in your writing, which I am comfortable that there is here.
Lines like "I will not betray you" precede a stanza of imagery that refers back to that. You have to trust you readers to either do some of the work themselves or languish. Also, you don't wasnt to get caught up in describing every detail unless there is a symbolic significance to the central metaphor. Here, the photographs are the image and the symbolism, describing them in detail would be distracting and not add to the poem in any way.
You may have some points. Aphorisms can be mooring and dominating, but unless you think the poem is perfect, you might want to consider taking a crack at revising it. I think details can be more powerful than we think they are.
I don't think it is perfect and I have actually done some revision since then (04/30). I just think the direction you are steering is not one that I am interested in taking it.
Bigger problems here seem to be mixed metaphors and unclear narrrative
Fair enough, post any updates if you want some reads and comments.
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I find the allusion perfectly drawn. This situation, parallelled neatly with the biblical references, is a common one made uncommonly poetic. Yes milo, this will do.
It could be worse
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milo, i want to say the theme of this is fortunately unpleasant circumstantial love, for a homeless women in need. great poem, no real suggestions about the poem itself. you are turning me on the meter. mmmeter?
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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Excellent piece Milo. I just want to read through these best of poems and acknowledge the poet's work. This isn't a Rebbeka of photography fame is it? The photos upturned in the furniture tossing stanza (a favorite) made me wonder. However, a wanton wife and Nazi sympathizer, or at least having a penchant for their howitzers, fits better. I will have a go at those breasts if you won’t (sorry, couldn’t help myself). It is a powerful close, well done!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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(08-12-2013, 11:44 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Excellent piece Milo. I just want to read through these best of poems and acknowledge the poet's work. This isn't a Rebbeka of photography fame is it? The photos upturned in the furniture tossing stanza (a favorite) made me wonder. However, a wanton wife and Nazi sympathizer, or at least having a penchant for their howitzers, fits better. I will have a go at those breasts if you won’t (sorry, couldn’t help myself). It is a powerful close, well done!
This isn't a specific Rebekka other than a reference to the mother of modern Judaism.You are correct in the cast, except wanton would be jewish, and aren't they all wanton? As for the breasts, that was my narrator, you know I would have been all over those breasts.
Thanks for the read and the comments.
