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I don't even know... It was fun to write about, but I'm not prophesying anything so hope you enjoy.
If you hear
'The end is near'
Think to yourself,
That one day you will be beyond any help.
Alas, don't despair!
Feel fortunate you're even there,
When things get down to the last splitting hair,
You will vanish into thin air...
Realize your mortality
Before it's too late
Cherish your gifts
The future awaits
If the end is already here
You have nothing to fear
Keep your loved ones near
And live to the very fullest tear
Maybe if you dig deeper it'll feel like there's some depth to it. And add some substance.
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Hi,
There's a kind of light feel to the poem, that I don't think matches the theme.
I like the thoughts in this, but I would like to see some imagery to expand those thoughts.
Thanks for the read
Posts: 848
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Joined: Oct 2012
Hi glittercake
I'm in Rowens camp on this one, this is a well covered topic and I like your bouncy take, that is light and an easy read, and if that is what your aiming for you succeeded, if you want to push yourself from mild to serious then as Rowen suggest you need to dig deeper, show us how we end, lets us feel it and taste it. best TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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The poem seems a little overt and didactic.
The last word 'tear' is really weak. Perhaps finish the poem with something else? That's not much help, haha.
I know the sentiment you're working for. I recommend reading the first chapters of HDT's Walden. Try these on for size, and see if they don't do what you're trying to do a little more effectively. Maybe HDT can be your mentor:
"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.”
"Men come tamely home at night only from the next field or street, where their household echoes haunt, and their life pines because it breathes its own breath over again; their shadows, morning and evening, reach farther than their daily steps. We should come home from far, from adventures, and perils, and discoveries every day, with new experience and character."
