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Threads: 3
Joined: Apr 2013
Something I whipped up quick to get a feel for the critique process of the forum. Let me know what you think, thanks.
CityFolk
An empty inertia,
Signals buzz like winged snakes,
Haste conquers all,
a system of chaotic perfection.
Roars in the distance,
Bellow from great machines,
Below from steel stalagmites,
Observe as a fox.
The threat of lethargy,
The elimination of contingencies,
Masked and deceitful,
Spin the wheels of metropolis.
The contemporary struggle,
A fragile ladder dissolving from the bottom,
Closed eyes are never closed,
A shaken hand hides the other.
An empty inertia,
Signals buzz liked winged snakes,
Did you have buzz liked on purpose?
Haste conquers all,
a system of chaotic perfection.
Roars in the distance,
Bellow from great machines,
Below from steel stalagmites,
Observe as a fox.
And this part, on purpose?
The threat of lethargy,
The elimination of contingencies,
Masked and deceitful,
Spin the wheels of metropolis.
The contemporary struggle,
A fragile ladder dissolving from the bottom,
Closed eyes are never closed,
A shaken hand hides the other.
It sounds like jagged edge fragments running against each other. Did you want it to feel that way, since it's a city?
Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: Apr 2013
(04-28-2013, 04:03 AM)rowens Wrote: An empty inertia,
Signals buzz liked winged snakes,
Did you have buzz liked on purpose?
Haste conquers all,
a system of chaotic perfection.
Roars in the distance,
Bellow from great machines,
Below from steel stalagmites,
Observe as a fox.
And this part, on purpose?
The threat of lethargy,
The elimination of contingencies,
Masked and deceitful,
Spin the wheels of metropolis.
The contemporary struggle,
A fragile ladder dissolving from the bottom,
Closed eyes are never closed,
A shaken hand hides the other.
It sounds like jagged edge fragments running against each other. Did you want it to feel that way, since it's a city?
No I fixed the "liked" thanks.
Also yeah, I wanted it to have a busy, overwhelming feeling within the fragments. There's just so much going on everywhere. I also wanted to leave it sort of of vague and subjective as interaction with a city tends to be.
Thanks for the feedback.
Posts: 22
Threads: 7
Joined: Apr 2013
I think the first two stanzas start off very strong, with describing the street, however by the end the rush of energy conveyed in the begging is gone.
Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: Apr 2013
(04-28-2013, 05:51 AM)Ajax Wrote: I think the first two stanzas start off very strong, with describing the street, however by the end the rush of energy conveyed in the begging is gone.
The last two are observations of the way people interact and how that drives the condition of the modern metropolis. The 'inertia' derives from the surrounding activity, I wasn't really trying to evoke any sort of rush of energy.
Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated.
Posts: 38
Threads: 11
Joined: Apr 2013
(04-27-2013, 10:36 AM)AlexSharp Wrote: Something I whipped up quick to get a feel for the critique process of the forum. Let me know what you think, thanks.
CityFolk
An empty inertia,
Signals buzz like winged snakes,
Haste conquers all,
a system of chaotic perfection.
Roars in the distance,
Bellow from great machines,
Below from steel stalagmites,
Observe as a fox.
The threat of lethargy,
The elimination of contingencies,
Masked and deceitful,
Spin the wheels of metropolis.
The contemporary struggle,
A fragile ladder dissolving from the bottom,
Closed eyes are never closed,
A shaken hand hides the other.
Hello, AlexSharp.
May I suggest that perhaps you ‘whipped up’ your poem a little too quickly?
I can hazard a guess as to your intention, but I think that your handling of the various elements you have included has not served you well.
What I see, as you have presented them, is a series of statements which, while complete individually, do not provide continuity for the whole.
Closer attention to punctuation would also have served you better.
Some of your terminology worried me. ‘An empty inertia’ is tautological – since inertia is devoid or empty of energy or movement. And try as I might, I cannot imagine ‘winged snakes’ – which sounds like a contradiction in terms.
However, despite all this nitpicking, I think you may well have a great idea for a poem. I am not being facetious when I suggest that you might listen to Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue before attempting a revision of your poem – it’s a cityscape par excellence, and may well establish a mood in which to work.
With best wishes for your future poetic endeavours.
Regards,
Pilgrim.
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