Playing with Connotation - Depression

[DestWrites]

It’s dark, there’s no place to go.
No place to turn, no place to hide.
My head is screaming, can’t escape.
My emotions numb, can’t feel a thing.
The pain inside, won’t erase.
My body limp, won’t progress.
My thoughts are poison, to myself.
The hole is deep, too profound.
I’ve hit the point, of my despair.
Inside I cry, of my own tribulation.

[Buck]

I aligned it to the left so the editing could look better.

It’s dark, there’s no place to go. Not sure you need "It's" or "there's" - obviously you want to keep your own voice, but I think distilling the language a bit gives the poem a more stark feel, which is what I'm getting from the sense of all the other lines.
No place to turn, no place to hide.
My head is screaming, can’t escape. Not sure you need "is" here
My emotions numb, can’t feel a thing.
The pain inside, won’t erase.
My body limp, won’t progress. I don't like the repetition of "won't" in this and the previous line. Maybe you could try "can't" in this line?
My thoughts are poison, to myself. Try "My thoughts, poison to myself." It sounds much more distilled and concise.
The hole is deep, too profound.
I’ve hit the point, of my despair. Were you trying to make "I've hit the point" both a reference to the speaker's despair but possibly also to a knife point i.e. suicide? Because if so, I'd leave the comma, but if not, take the comma out.
Inside I cry, of my own tribulation. [/b]This line does not fit the rhythm of the rest of the poem. Too long - try "Inside I cry of my own affliction." Sounds smoother and the reader still gets the meaning

I've never liked center alignment of poems. Seems too similar to the Hallmark Card-type poetry, which is all too awful to think about. This is an overall good poem, but the formatting makes me shudder.

Your line breaks make sense, and you keep them consistent.

Work on distilling some of the language. Some of the lines work fine already and don't have unnecessary baggage, but most others need some condensing.

Your adjective and verb choices are fine.

Some of your comma placements are trouble spots, and lead to confusion or destroy the flow of the poem. You don't need to have a comma halfway through the line for the sake of having it there if it doesn't work all that well throughout.

It's a pretty good poem though. Nice imagery and good theme throughout.

[philoinlove]

It’s dark, there’s no place to go.
No place to turn, no place to hide.
My head is screaming, can’t escape. :This is not an adequate sentence.
My emotions numb, can’t feel a thing. Cliche emotion... dig deeper.
The pain inside, won’t erase.: Does pain ever erase? The point of pain is to remind one of adversity.
My body limp, won’t progress.: Pointless..
My thoughts are poison, to myself.: BLah, blah, blah.
The hole is deep, too profound.: Are holes profound? I dont think so... but if so show me. Let me experience this profound hole.
I’ve hit the point, of my despair.: again, dig deeper.
Inside I cry, of my own tribulation.: This line does not fit in.

In all you need to work on your rhythm. Maybe count syllables if you need to... Also, this is not very poetic... maybe prose? I dont know, you need to work on your imagery... I do feel emotion but it sounds more whiny right now that profound...

Thanks for sharing!

[tectak]

It’s dark, there’s no place to go.Weak..then cliche
No place to turn, no place to hide.cliche then cliche
My head is screaming, can’t escape.cliche then cliche
My emotions numb, can’t feel a thing.cliche then cliche
The pain inside, won’t erase.cliche then incomplete syntax
My body limp, won’t progress.cliche then uncertain syntax
My thoughts are poison, to myself. this line is keepable if you correct the grammatical inexactitude
The hole is deep, too profound.cliche. Not profound
I’ve hit the point, of my despair.cliche then flaky grammar
Inside I cry, of my own tribulation.

cliche then nonsense

Hi and welcome to serious crit,
Consider reposting in mild. There us not much salvageable from this shipwreck. The cargo was ten tons of assorted cliche and nobody wants it. Leave it on the beach and start again.
Find something that you are familiar with and write it in a fresh way. If you are unaware of your cliches then read more before you write. You began with a disadvantage in that this sort of angst-ridden stuff blows like the rubbish it is on every site you care to visit....some sites rely on its regularity of posting to exist. Not this site.
Good for you for posting but this is serious crit. To close; your effort is list-like, terse, imageless, lacking in rhythm and old-hat.
On the plus side,
Best,
tectak