Looking, hoping for anything to find
Endlessly searching throughout my mind
Through books, poems, songs, and rhymes
But all I've found is
You
For meaning, for purpose, for hope
I'd lost myself, so "me" wouldn't show
I'd lock away, sadness bestows
But all I'd see is
You
This angel I mistook for a dream
This angel, the one, my one for me
Has made me the man I want to be
Therefore, all I want is
You
This Angel I speak of is you, my dear
And this angel and I will spend many a year
Growing, laughing, loving sincere
With my angel named
You
Posts: 8
Threads: 3
Joined: Apr 2013
Hello,
I though your poem was overall good, but I do think you could make some minor tweets to make it great. The first paragraph is, in my opinion, the best... it flows with each stanza. As the poem goes on I think structure kind of falls apart for me anyways. This has to do with the amount of syllables the stanzas have, it makes it a bit difficult to comprehend the message you're trying to give. I really like the ryhme of it all though and the use of consonance and assonance when it comes to the 'o', 'a' and 's'. Good job, keep writing.
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Just one small thought about line 2 in the last stanza.. I think the line would sound better without the first 'and'. The sentence would still work, but I'm not sure if it would interrupt the flow, though. Anyways.. Thanks a lot for the read :-)
Posts: 10
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2013
Overall, the first stanza drew me in right away, but I wonder if a little more consistency in meter within each stanza would have helped it finish as strong as it started. Thank you for sharing!
Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
(04-23-2013, 09:08 AM)The Beef Wrote: Looking, hoping for anything to find
Endlessly searching throughout my mind
Through books, poems, songs, and rhymes
But all I've found is
You
For meaning, for purpose, for hope
I'd lost myself, so "me" wouldn't show
I'd lock away, sadness bestows
But all I'd see is
You
This angel I mistook for a dream
This angel, the one, my one for me
Has made me the man I want to be
Therefore, all I want is
You
This Angel I speak of is you, my dear
And this angel and I will spend many a year
Growing, laughing, loving sincere
With my angel named
You
The first stanza doesn't tie into the rest as much as each other stanza does, other than that I liked the story. Thanks for the good read
I agree that the first stanza is the best.
I think "this angel" is used too much. This angel, the one, the one for me... could be stronger. It's my least favorite line.
I do however adore a man that writes love poems. Thank you for sharing.
