The Humble Lion

[heslopian]

Lying on his bed of blood
the humble lion melts into his death
like a slow, patient sunset. Humble,
then gone.

Primal machine switched on by some playful god,
it thrashed at man and man in his pomposity
branded it savage and pulled a trigger.

Hemingway's in Heaven with animal pelts
lining his Elysium cot.
How much more poetic would his death have been
if a lion had ripped his head off?

[billy]

hi jack
apart from the last line it was just nits. it carries some depth in it. more than one first sees. a few reads and the cruelty of man comes more to the fore of the poem. i enjoyed the sadness.

thanks for the read

Lying on his bed of blood
the humble lion melts into his death two painful lines, i wonder if this would have been the stronger opening line,
like a slow, patient sunset. Humble, would humble work better on the next line?
then gone.

Primal machine switched on by some playful god,
it thrashed at man and man in his pomposity
branded it savage and pulled a trigger. i found this stanza to be poignant, it sort of sums up a lot of what men do and are.

Hemingway's in Heaven with animal pelts i think this is a great image of ernie, he was that kind of guy, he enjoyed the hunt.
lining his Elysium cot.
How much more poetic would his death have been
if a lion had ripped his fucking head off? this last line feels forced. i think it's the fucking, it doesn't sit well with what preceded it

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, Bilbo I did wonder if the "fucking" was too emotive there. I'll remove it once I've finished this.

[billy]

i think that's better but what sort of a writer was he? maybe use a word to show what kind of head was being ripped off.
could farewell be used some way. he was an adventurer so maybe adventurous.
if the lion had ripped his head off and made his bells toll. (i know that's not a working line but i got a laugh from it )

[heslopian]

if the lion had ripped his head off and made his bells toll.

"Had ripped his butch/masculine head off"?

[newsclippings]

There's always poetry in blood.

[NakedBear]

How much more poetic would his death have been
if a lion had ripped his head off?

All good, but the last line doesn't do it for me. I mentally replace it with "if a lion had ate his throat?"

At first I tried "if a lion had ate his heart?", but then thought "fuck yeah, that would have been poetic" So probably not what you want to do with that last line.

Otherwise its all good.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your comments, newsclippings and NakedBear I like your idea of making the last line a touch more metaphorical, NakedBear.

[Volaticus]

I was so moved after having read this poem. I can't find any negative to say. It really hit something inside me, and touched me deeply. Thank you very much for sharing

[Buck]

Lying on his bed of blood
the humble lion melts into his death Very strong line, matching vowel sounds of melts and death work well together
like a slow, patient sunset. Humble,
then gone. Imagery is apparent and interesting

Primal machine switched on by some playful god,
it thrashed at man and man in his pomposity You use an article in this line (it) but you don't use "The" or "An" in the previous line. I think you should stick with using an article in both or in neither, to maintain the sound of each line.
branded it savage and pulled a trigger. You may want to change "a" to "the"

Hemingway's in Heaven with animal pelts
lining his Elysium cot. Good allusion, in line with the poem's theme. Also, good end sound in cot, and good match in Hemingway and Heaven for the vowel sounds.
How much more poetic would his death have been
if a lion had ripped his head off? It seems like the speaker's voice changes here. I'm unsure of whether this was deliberate on your part, but it's what I can tell from reading it a few times.

Overall, this is a good poem. My least favorite lines are the last two, and my favorite lines are the first two.

[MusicHealsPain]

Thanks for sharing this, the last stanza certainly caught me off guard, but I kind of like it when there is a surprise.

[heslopian]

I was so moved after having read this poem. I can't find any negative to say. It really hit something inside me, and touched me deeply. Thank you very much for sharing

Thank you for your kind feedback, Volaticus; I'm glad that my poem affected you

---

Lying on his bed of blood
the humble lion melts into his death Very strong line, matching vowel sounds of melts and death work well together
like a slow, patient sunset. Humble,
then gone. Imagery is apparent and interesting

Primal machine switched on by some playful god,
it thrashed at man and man in his pomposity You use an article in this line (it) but you don't use "The" or "An" in the previous line. I think you should stick with using an article in both or in neither, to maintain the sound of each line.
branded it savage and pulled a trigger. You may want to change "a" to "the"

Hemingway's in Heaven with animal pelts
lining his Elysium cot. Good allusion, in line with the poem's theme. Also, good end sound in cot, and good match in Hemingway and Heaven for the vowel sounds.
How much more poetic would his death have been
if a lion had ripped his head off? It seems like the speaker's voice changes here. I'm unsure of whether this was deliberate on your part, but it's what I can tell from reading it a few times.

Overall, this is a good poem. My least favorite lines are the last two, and my favorite lines are the first two.

Thank you for your kind, helpful and refreshingly technical feedback, Buck I don't think enough about sound effects and articles.

---

Thanks for sharing this, the last stanza certainly caught me off guard, but I kind of like it when there is a surprise.

Thank you for your kind comment, MusicHealsPain, and I look forward to reading some of your work

[YaMarVa]

I like the use of the Lion as a symbol of a human virtue (humbleness) missing in this world, yet you would like if he broke from this Virtue to destroy the symbol of Man (the hunter/Hemmingway). Interesting dichotomy, conflict. Do the ends justify the means?

Beyond just stating that the Lion (animals) has the virtue of humbleness, prove it through expressing this virtue of humbleness through his actions. It’s a straw-man to just place a virtue on the Lion, just stating it does not give the Lion much substance of a theme to view and judge this poem on.

I also like the conflict that god impacts the will of Humans (pulling their trigger), but not that of animals (the Lion). God must be a man created idea controingl their actions?

I enjoyed thinking through your Poem, thanks.

DGT

[heslopian]

Thank you for your honest and thoughtful feedback, YaMarVa

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback, trueenigma

[Pilgrim]

Lying on his bed of blood
the humble lion melts into his death
like a slow, patient sunset. Humble,
then gone.

Primal machine switched on by some playful god,
it thrashed at man and man in his pomposity
branded it savage and pulled a trigger.

Hemingway's in Heaven with animal pelts
lining his Elysium cot.
How much more poetic would his death have been
if a lion had ripped his head off?

Hello, Heslopian.

May I say that I admire the sentiment of your poem. However, I found a couple of points of contention.

Firstly, I simply cannot equate humility with a lion, even in death; secondly, the same reaction applies to sunsets. I imagine ‘magnificent’ in the former, and ‘glorious’ in the latter. You may well think such alternatives trite – but there you are.

I think your last line is just right. It’s what lions do, isn’t it?

Regards,

Pilgrim.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your thoughtful and honest feedback, Pilgrim