Have you ever been cheated on?

[Ganman]

I was in a relationship with a girl for about a year. I kept making excuses when she'd slip up... when she'd cross a boundary and ask me if an ex-boyfriend could stay the night, when she'd go into a sex shop with an ex because she had no reliable form of transportation... but she told me on my birthday and our anniversary that she didn't love me. I broke up with her then because I finally believed in myself again.

She wouldn't confess it, even to the end, but I know she was cheating. I should have trusted my gut a long time ago, but she just told me I was paranoid, and manipulated, lied to, and betrayed me repeatedly. I think for awhile in that relationship, I thought it was my fault that she was cheating... that I wasn't doing enough to satisfy her... but you know what? She wasn't special. She had a wonderful relationship with me. I can find a woman who won't cheat, and I can give her the same level of commitment I gave my ex.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship/been cheated on? How did you deal with it?

[NakedBear]

Some of us are needy freaks that can't appreciate what we've got. And so we drive our lovers to love all around, or love all around ourselves.

Rarely, IMO, is one party solely at fault. Usually the relationship is failing for mutual lack and cannot provide the needs of everyone involved; yet no one wants to really say that out loud. In which case people should be more astute and less reluctant to see how its not working. Then they should fix the problems or split (unless there's a very, very good reason not too, for which both parties are willing to sacrifice).

So now that you've gone your own way, commit to being honest with yourself and with any future lovers. Keep an eye on the overall relationship, and judge whether or not that is healthy. If it seems to not be healthy, you can well expect someone to stray (and it may be you).

[Leanne]

I used to beg my ex to go to a prostitute or have an affair, anything to get him to leave me alone after I'd had a baby and an episiotomy... but no luck there. Then I found that I wished he'd beat me or do something that would get other people to understand how abused I really was -- but those scars don't show and people only want to know about bruises and broken bones.

So no, I haven't been cheated on. I just really selfishly left someone who had systematically destroyed everything that made me me. He even set fire to all my notebooks and formatted the computer so that I had no record of any creativity for the 13 years we'd been together. Yes, it was partly my fault. I had been a trusting 19-year-old who thought that the attention of an older man was flattering, especially after he convinced me that he provided the only attention I'd ever get. Even now, a good few years down the track, he believes he did nothing wrong.

[billy]

yes but not by a long term partner. i split with my ex because we weren't happy, because i wasn't happy, we started off well and grew to want and like different things. i left and made myself happy, in the process i think she became happy. we're the best of friends and i stay there when i visit my kids. now she's able to do what she wishes and so am i. whose fault was it,? i accept the blame for leave but i think we just grew apart. if i thought my partner was unfaithful i'd leave, simple as that, i'd see her unfaithfulness as her being unhappy with our relationship and that maybe i wasn't what she really wanted. i'd accept it. up until her being unfaithful, i'd fight tooth and nail to make it work unless i were the one who was unhappy. i've been lucky in love twice so no cheats here. when i were a young buck i'd bang the crack of dawn and rattle the gates of hell. once i met my 1st partner i stopped. our relationship was over before i went looking elsewhere and we both knew it.

[NakedBear]

That's some grim stuff, that is.

Burning a notebook should earn a guy a ball-crushing.

Now, I'd tell my story, but I always end up either the slasher or the slashed, the broken or the breaker. I've yet to tell it how it actually was.

[Ganman]

Some of us are needy freaks that can't appreciate what we've got. And so we drive our lovers to love all around, or love all around ourselves.

Rarely, IMO, is one party solely at fault. Usually the relationship is failing for mutual lack and cannot provide the needs of everyone involved; yet no one wants to really say that out loud. In which case people should be more astute and less reluctant to see how its not working. Then they should fix the problems or split (unless there's a very, very good reason not too, for which both parties are willing to sacrifice).

So now that you've gone your own way, commit to being honest with yourself and with any future lovers. Keep an eye on the overall relationship, and judge whether or not that is healthy. If it seems to not be healthy, you can well expect someone to stray (and it may be you).

If I'm being honest, I know myself. I was lonely too, that last half of the relationship, and there were times it was extremely difficult for me because she just stopped talking to me. She wouldn't admit it, but in hindsight, I'm aware she was seeing some other guy, because from the moment he stepped in, our relationship started going downhill. I don't think she could handle the long-distance anymore. I'm sick of making excuses for her though. What she did was selfish and cowardly. She's living with him now, actually, and even now insists that they haven't seen each other naked, and that they're just best friends who spend 70-90% of their days together and sleep on separate bunks.

What she's done is dishonest, cowardly, disloyal, manipulative, and selfish. So no, I don't think we're all capable of cheating. Even during that, I foolishly committed to her, because that's just what relationships are to me - a commitment. I would never, under any circumstances, have cheated on her. Not one day when I was with her did I take her for granted. She sent me a file a week before I broke up with her citing 23 reasons why she loved me. It was the cutest thing.

And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to justify her actions anymore. That's how she controlled me. She took advantage of my willingness to believe in her and used it to have sex with other guys behind my back. It was because she was codependent, and had low self-esteem, and couldn't handle not having a guy around. I believe there are plenty of people out there, who respect themselves and respect their partners and would never cheat on them, and I'd like to find a girl like that someday.

[NakedBear]

Hi Ganman,

I said 'may' not 'would'. Some people are just unable to do the deed, no matter how unhappy. Others never have trouble doing it, while most hang around in the middle.

And for the record, I'm glad you shucked her. I'm not saying it was your fault, just reflecting my experiences on back as I've got nothing else.

[cidermaid]

That's some grim stuff, that is.

Now, I'd tell my story, but I always end up either the slasher or the slashed, the broken or the breaker. I've yet to tell it how it actually was.

This is a really touchy and difficult discussion thread. I think overall you have made some very sensible and level comments Mikey. My perception is that, this is one of those no win conversations. If this question is asked from either perspective of the cheater or the cheated there can never be a right answer, because there will always be someone for whom either the pain of the situation is too fresh to enable them to be objective or rational; or because they have suffered an extreme of either end of the abuse of trust, in which case no amount of well reasoned explanations into the nature and condition of human relationship and psychology will make what happened to them justified. (It would seem that part of life is that bad things happen to good people and nobody promised that life would be fair - As the saying goes Shit happens!).

For me the question will always be, what do you do with this information (finding yourself as the cheater or cheated) once the event is your new reality. How we individually respond and react to the individual circumstances of each unique situation will show us up for what we really are on the inside. Our character is so often defined in moments of crisis. For those of us (and yes I include myself in this us) who find ourselves in this place, what we do next will be what defines us not what we have experienced or done. That is (or can be your history) and there is always a perfect moment (called now) to make that vital step towards change and a new beginning. I would encourage anyone to dig deep and find the real you within and then, (having learned to live with that person and come to terms with what sort of person you have discovered!)...if you are fortunate you can either repair what you have and be happy or like Leanne and Billy mentioned (here and elsewhere in various threads) re-invent your lives and be happy. I had my black pit of despair moment and when I looked at myself I didn't like me one bit. In my case it was a 50/ 50 situation and I was as much to blame. I/ we choose to slug it on and it has been a long haul job. But I do not think Leanne for example was selfish in opting out, (from her brief sketch of her situation she did what was the only sensible and honest thing to do)...but this is the point who am I to judge anyone. Every situation is unique and can only really be known and responded to by those involved.

So I would hold that this is not the sort of thing to "put out there" (from either perspective) especially in this sort of space as the potential for wounding to others is too great. As Mikey said above, you can equally end up as the slasher or the slashed in terms of how others will react to you or you will react to others. I would ask that, we all take care people in what your knee jerk reaction is, when answering the opinions or experiences of others in this thread. At the end of the day it would seem that many of us are in fact delicate little flower buds on the inside and although we profess to have developed thick skin it is obvious from just the few comments here that many of us have had the snot beaten out of us and we are still reeling from the experience.

Sorry another long (and probably tedious) reply from me. I should probably be banned from these discussion threads. Once I get going I get verbal diarrhoea .
I'll end by sending ><><>< to all who have been wounded by life.
You people on this site are some of the nicest that I have ever encountered anywhere and what you all do collectivly with your creativity and to and for each other is at times beautiful.


AJ.

[billy]

xxxx

[shemthepenman]

if you havent already, I suggest reading Sartre's 'being and nothingness' especially part III 3 I & II. "who would be satisfied with the words 'i love you because i have freely engaged myself to love you and because i do not wish to go back on my word'. thus the lover demands a pledge, yet is irritated by a pledge. he wants to be loved by a freedom but demands that this freedom as freedom should no longer be free...' the reason one feels so awful when cheated on has little to do with the Other and all to do with the mOther - the self. One is displaced in the world and acutely recognises oneself as an object, to the point of despair. We do not own people, but the little capitalist in all of us stings like a bitch. Not only do we want 'things' but we want things that want us: people.

[rowens]

By the time a girl gets around to me, she's usually so paranoid from past relationships that she talks that object stuff. Well, that's all the girls I've known. I always attract similar girls. I always go for the beautiful women that are out of my league, and I only get them for a while (or not at all) when they're desperate. I don't get along with people, but I can fall in love with somebody based on time spent together, whatever they look like; so if a girl's insanely beautiful, it's all the better. But they always feel that people think of them as an object. To the point that you end up trapped sorting them into a type. And it's the most frustrating thing in the world. And when I'm beating my brains out trying to figure how to say or do something that makes sense, they're off finding another abusive relationship to cling to. I get mad when people identify themselves as a type of person, and then insist that they have to play their part no matter what. But those are the conversations I have with people.

A girl has to be a bit crazy to have anything to do with me anyway. I'm the type of person that doesn't know any better.

[brandontoh]

Never ever betray yourself. Compromising is okay, but you got to draw the line somewhere.

[rowens]

One thing I tell people is, Compromise means death. I'm a very spiritual man.

---

Consistency is usually an illusion with people. People are flipping all around out of context. I always stay in my own context, which then will look insane. Like ShemthePenman was talking about days ago, about memory; a good memory is a great burden. You end up dwelling on things, and take other people's promises too seriously. But I don't want to compromise even that.

[Ganman]

One thing I tell people is, Compromise means death. I'm a very spiritual man.

---

Consistency is usually an illusion with people. People are flipping all around out of context. I always stay in my own context, which then will look insane. Like ShemthePenman was talking about days ago, about memory; a good memory is a great burden. You end up dwelling on things, and take other people's promises too seriously. But I don't want to compromise even that.

True, but change is also death. Sex is death. Almost everything that advances us represents a death of self in some sense.

[rowens]

Your self goes through changes, that's life, not death. If you can't go through changes, you die; if you change too much, you lose your self; if you maintain your self, but consciously act against it, you're a fraud. But I like it that way. The problem comes when the self that you are doesn't seem to appeal to anyone else. So then, is it worth it to be true to yourself?

But there's always somebody that'll accept you; though it sometimes happens that you can't accept them. Then you understand how others feel when they don't want you around anymore.

That's why we write books. Me, anyway. To make some universe where things are shown in all their inconsistent consistency.

[Bunx]

cheated with someone-yes....sadly
cheated on someone-never

Leanna, your rhyming is too good, jesus. i can't believe it when smart intelligent girl go for the guys who claim that violence to anyone is ok. Mental or otherwise. I use to work in a daycare for about a year. Needless bullies are the problem. my strategy..

"hey why are you bullying (SP?) that kid around?"
"IM NOT!"
"ok sorry for bullying you, man"
it sickens me that i am still barely not a virgin, as well as it stickens me to think that you were hit
by ANYONE!

leanna this is now a forward. but guys like your ex are FUCK HEADS

---

cheated with someone-yes....sadly
cheated on someone-never

Leanna, your rhyming is too good, jesus. i can't believe it when smart intelligent girl go for the guys who claim that violence to anyone is ok. Mental or otherwise. I use to work in a daycare for about a year. Needless bullies are the problem. my strategy..

"hey why are you bullying (SP?) that kid around?"
"IM NOT!"
"ok sorry for bullying you, man"
it sickens me that i am still barely not a virgin, as well as it stickens me to think that you were hit
by ANYONE!

leanna this is NOT a forward. but guys like your ex are FUCK HEADS

---

Have i been cheated on...absolutely. cheating is a relative term. i once made a girl fall in love with me and her ex (captain of the CMR football team YEEEHAAAAWWW) raped her. raped by definition. her responce.
"I can't gt over him..im sorry"
fuck sorry and fuck that asshole

[billy]

I used to beg my ex to go to a prostitute or have an affair, anything to get him to leave me alone after I'd had a baby and an episiotomy... but no luck there. Then I found that I wished he'd beat me or do something that would get other people to understand how abused I really was -- but those scars don't show and people only want to know about bruises and broken bones.

So no, I haven't been cheated on. I just really selfishly left someone who had systematically destroyed everything that made me me. He even set fire to all my notebooks and formatted the computer so that I had no record of any creativity for the 13 years we'd been together. Yes, it was partly my fault. I had been a trusting 19-year-old who thought that the attention of an older man was flattering, especially after he convinced me that he provided the only attention I'd ever get. Even now, a good few years down the track, he believes he did nothing wrong.

been wondering how to reply because we're on about personal shit (relationships) i think destroy creativity, let alone the creativity of the person you're supposed to love is is one of the cruellest cuts of all. specially if it's something you love. in that respect i was lucky. i had nothing like that of value to myself. (okay, my kids but i understand that's not the same thing) i'm not sure i could have dealt with it if i had.

[ChristopherSea]

I used to beg my ex to go to a prostitute or have an affair, anything to get him to leave me alone after I'd had a baby and an episiotomy... but no luck there. Then I found that I wished he'd beat me or do something that would get other people to understand how abused I really was -- but those scars don't show and people only want to know about bruises and broken bones.

So no, I haven't been cheated on. I just really selfishly left someone who had systematically destroyed everything that made me me. He even set fire to all my notebooks and formatted the computer so that I had no record of any creativity for the 13 years we'd been together. Yes, it was partly my fault. I had been a trusting 19-year-old who thought that the attention of an older man was flattering, especially after he convinced me that he provided the only attention I'd ever get. Even now, a good few years down the track, he believes he did nothing wrong.

Oh my Leanne, this is such a horror story! I believe that you allude to this in one of your poems. I am relieved that I deleted my review. There is nothing selfish in leaving a sociopathic monster. <3/Chris

[Leanne]

Don't be silly, Chris . Whatever's alluded to, poetry is there for critique -- it's when people comment based on assumptions or what they think the poem must be about because of what they think they know about the author that I get irritated.

[Regallis]

I was raised in a family that both of them cheated on each other continually. I watched what happened, not understanding why you say you love someone and do those type of things. I remember when I was young, traveling somewhere, my brother on the back seat, and me on the floor waking up and something was going on that I didn't understand until later.

Then we moved to New Mexico, an my stepfather was doing it with my best friends mother. So many times and so many bad things that I said I would never do this to another person. I consider myself a half, my real father I don't think ever held me in his arms. The half comes from having 2 half brothers and one half sister. This I didn't find out till about 5 years ago, my birth certificate only listed my name and date of birth and place. It was destroyed in Katrina and when I finally got around to ordering a new from New York, it was dated two days after my birth with my new name.

I have never cheated but have been cheat on twice. The first one I tried to forget. The second one I could never forgive, and should have. I loved the second one very much and tired to save things, but I just wanted her to tell me just once she was sorry but that never came to pass. Until the end when it just didn't matter anymore. I would take her every where I went to meet my friends, should have know something was amiss when in seven years I never meet one of hers, just her parents and a brother. I feel we were both to blame.

To me, if people feel the need to cheat, why be in the relationship to begin with.