New member, new poem!

[KirstieMillar]

Hello all,

I have just joined the forum and I am looking for some feedback. This poem is fairly recent and definitely in the early stages, so I apologize if it's quite rough. Any feedback is greatly appreciated, thank you!

Risen

Tightly wound, wounded, wavering and falling.

Fleetingly dancing across barren urban landscapes,

Reaching for the promise of eternal, ever burning light.

For warmth, for whispers into soft skin beneath the ears,

Muffled amongst curls cooled with the breeze.


All is eternal, in motion, it moves us.

Pulsating through barren, empty concrete structures,

Searching for a child’s cry, warm wet noses,

Satisfied sighs and golden bands that speak of eternity.


Searching, searching, always hoping.

In dreams, it reaches us, it speaks to us,

It leads us by the hand, it preaches to us.


But when mute black and blue light fades into crisp golden fingers,

Peaking through bedclothes, these memories fade back into pillowcases,

And bodies silently ache to remember the touch our brains forgotten.

Somewhere in the clearing, the formula for bliss is waiting for us.


Eager to be discovered, to be packed into brown paper bags,

Prized, carried home, placed on a shelf.

Somewhere, a bit further in the clearing.

Searching, always searching.

[Leanne]

Risen

Tightly wound, wounded, wavering and falling. -- nice wordplay in the opening line, that's always a winner with me! You could possibly do without "and"

Fleetingly dancing across barren urban landscapes, -- beware of starting lines with adverbs, they're rarely the strongest words, especially when they give you two -ings in a row. You could try "dances fleetingly" perhaps.

Reaching for the promise of eternal, ever burning light. -- another -ing. I swear I'm not prejudiced against them! Still, they're quite passive when you put so many together. What about "toward the promise of"?

For warmth, for whispers into soft skin beneath the ears,

Muffled amongst curls cooled with the breeze.


All is eternal, in motion, it moves us.

Pulsating through barren, empty concrete structures,

Searching for a child’s cry, warm wet noses,

Satisfied sighs and golden bands that speak of eternity. -- lovely images in this stanza


Searching, searching, always hoping. -- here the -ings work to contribute to the sound and build expectation

In dreams, it reaches us, it speaks to us, -- in both of these lines, you could do without the second "it"

It leads us by the hand, it preaches to us.


But when mute black and blue light fades into crisp golden fingers, -- the rhythm changes here and so does the mood, nicely done

Peaking through bedclothes, these memories fade back into pillowcases,

And bodies silently ache to remember the touch our brains forgotten.

Somewhere in the clearing, the formula for bliss is waiting for us.


Eager to be discovered, to be packed into brown paper bags,

Prized, carried home, placed on a shelf.

Somewhere, a bit further in the clearing.

Searching, always searching.

A bit rough maybe, but I enjoyed the read, thank you! Some really good ideas here that just need a bit of a tidy-up. It's great to have a fresh voice.

[KirstieMillar]

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate your thorough and very insightful feedback! I will take all of it on board, I really agree with what you've said. Thanks again for your time, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[KirstieMillar]

I love the mood change in S4. This poem is awesome to me. I love it! Keep up the good work!

Thank you for your comments and for taking the time to read!