Obstinate Pulchritude

[jcockrell]

blha blha blha

[rowens]

The sentences piled on top of each other, with all the starts and stops with most every line: in this case, that might not be so bad. I'll have to try and think more clearly, then figure if I like it or not. It has a realistic, stern but second-guessing pace to it. I once had a girl I called Miss Subterfuge. And she was the most honest of them all. I do like how the second stanza goes into more images and gives a sweeter flavor, then the talking comes back till the end. But more things like the night sky, and the woman's body start to appear slightly too. It has its ups and downs. Maybe run through it a few more times, and tell what you think its weaknesses, if any, might be.

[jcockrell]

The sentences piled on top of each other, with all the starts and stops with most every line: in this case, that might not be so bad. I'll have to try and think more clearly, then figure if I like it or not. It has a realistic, stern but second-guessing pace to it. I once had a girl I called Miss Subterfuge. And she was the most honest of them all. I do like how the second stanza goes into more images and gives a sweeter flavor, then the talking comes back till the end. But more things like the night sky, and the woman's body start to appear slightly too. It has its ups and downs. Maybe run through it a few more times, and tell what you think its weaknesses, if any, might be.

Yes, sir I agree. I wrote this late the other night and it was more about copying down my thoughts. You're right though. It's kind of choppy. I'm going to try to simplify and give some more "flavor" to the "talking" areas but I figured I might as well get some input first. Thanks for taking the time to read.