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This is an idea I've been fiddling with for quite some time now. I've edited the poem so many times, so now I've just gotten stuck. It would mean a great deal to me, to get some feedback, so hopefully I can get back on track again with this poem (I don't like scrapping poems, just because I'm a bit stuck). Thanks a lot in advance :-)
Long Gone
Inside that secret land of yours,
You tried so hard to stay the course.
I'd try to ease your dismal wailing,
Though I'd always end up failing.
Now my threshold has been reached,
Your fence too strong for me to breach.
Your afebrile psychosis,
Became my final overdoses.
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I think the start is too abstract and then the last two lines are too direct.
A lot of abstract descriptions at the start, very vague, they could show a lot of themes. And then suddenly - oh - you've named it. Psychosis. The directness of it doesn't work for me.
If you could blend it together a bit more, mention things associated illnesses before, pills, etc (without being cheesy) I think it would have a better impact. 
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
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Hi Amy,
I totally get what you're saying about the abstractions. But I'm not sure how to work around it, 'cause it was somehow intentional. I'll try to explain.. With the poem, I was trying to tell, that even though it's the 'you' that's the addict, it's the 'I' that ends op overdosed. That's why I didn't want the 'you' to have any direct indicators ('threshold', 'overdose'), only the 'I' should have those. Did that make sense? Otherwise sorry, I'm not feeling too bright today.
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The short couplets with the off-rhymes makes it read like light verse which really isn't the intention. "psychosis . . . final overdoses" doesn't work at all as "overdose" would need to be singular (final and all) but you pluralized it for rhyme. "try" is a weak word that grows weaker by being repeated so close. "stay the course" is cliche and, to be fair, doesn't really add anything at all. The stoicism of "stay the course" certainly becomes a parody when you reach "dismal wailing". "Now my . . . breached" is grammatically incorrect as you can't just join 2 complete sentences with a comma.
milo
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(04-16-2013, 07:47 AM)milo Wrote: The short couplets with the off-rhymes makes it read like light verse which really isn't the intention. "psychosis . . . final overdoses" doesn't work at all as "overdose" would need to be singular (final and all) but you pluralized it for rhyme. "try" is a weak word that grows weaker by being repeated so close. "stay the course" is cliche and, to be fair, doesn't really add anything at all. The stoicism of "stay the course" certainly becomes a parody when you reach "dismal wailing". "Now my . . . breached" is grammatically incorrect as you can't just join 2 complete sentences with a comma.
milo
Hi milo,
Thanks so much for commenting, it's very helpful
I see that I have a lot of issues with this poem. As I said in the first post, I edited it so much, that I just completely lost track of it.
Maybe I should put it aside a little, to really give it a good thinking though. And then rewrite it probably from scratch, with help from the feedback I got
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hi LB,
I see why you don't want to scrap this idea, it's a good one. but I might suggest scrapping what you have and starting out fresh. sometimes thats just the best to do when we get bogged down, plus, like milo said, the rhyming here just trivializes the topic. L1 is a nice image, but the other lines really feel forced for the rhymes. anyway good luck and i'll look foward to reading a revision.
-cloudy
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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Hi Cloudy,
Thanks a lot for commenting I realized, that I made a big mistake with this poem. I first wrote it in Danish, then translated it into English, so I should just have left out the rhymes from the start. I think I'll make it free verse instead, and play around with the idea from scratch. And hope I come up with something considerably better Thanks for the help
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This is really good. Don't abandon it! One thing to keep it flowing instead of overdoses you could subsitute overdosage! It still goes with pychosis so I think it'll work.
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Hi Glittercake,
Thanks for your kind comments And I like your suggestion, I will definitely consider using it, when I hopefully soon get the edit done
I think Milo is spot on and a better critique than I could give.
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(05-11-2013, 03:23 AM)skysk8er21 Wrote: . As Milo said the last line doesn't really work, you can't have multiple final overdoses.
I wouldn't give up on this piece, i would just change the last two lines. I like what you are trying to say in them, i really do.
This reminds me of my father and his relationship with his wife.
Thank you for taking time to read and comment.
I've put this poem on hold, but whenever I decide to revise it, I'll definitely think about and consider all the comments I've got.
Thanks again for the kind words and feedback.
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