Sadness Or Madness

[phrvshtumblr]

It's a scary thing
It comes around when the birds
No longer sing

It eats you up
And spits you out
You're stuck in a happiness drought

Is this madness?
Or is this just sadness?
All you know is

There's no escaping, this endless cycle
Sad or mad one minute,
Then suicidal.

Your thoughts are twisted
You persisted
At just trying to be okay.

That's not enough, you're alone
At home
With the monsters in your head

These demons are no longer under the bed
But somewhere far more unkind
They now live in your mind.

You only need a moment of peace
But they never cease
Taunting, torturing you

You can no longer sleep
You just lay in a small
Pathetic heap.

Scrunched up, hiding
Like the wrong stanza that
You could never get rhyming.

No one knows
You cut to leave the doze,
The doze of fear and loneliness.

You watch as your blood runs
Your thoughts are all speaking in tongues
Such a confused mess.

The blood never stops
That could of been a vein that you popped
Your life ends before the pain does.

The emotional strain
That evolved so rapidly
Into physical pain.

It still hurts everyone
You were loved
You now notice it, from above

Your mum is experiencing the same pain
And your dad is just coping with your strain
They can't accept it, you left.

There's no coming back
Everyone is only just picking up your slack
Those demons

They now follow those you loved,
But not enough to stay
So now forever you'll lay

Still,
Motionless,
Finally emotionless.

[rowens]

Not much going on here. Jumpy, freestyle rhyming.

[allykat727]

There are some pretty cool moments in this piece. I like the 'happiness drought' line. But, some of it is pretty cliche. Like "eats you up and spits you out", "demons under the bed", "taunting" and "torturing" side by side, "lay in a heap", etc. Also, I would suggest that you delve a bit more into the feelings instead of the info. Talking about the vein that may have popped tells the reader about cutting, but it doesn't really convey the feelings the character is experiencing. Get creative, try using more imagery, paint a picture. Good work

[phrvshtumblr]

Not much going on here. Jumpy, freestyle rhyming.

Aha, thanks for the feedback though. I'm trying to work on my poetry before I have a big exam for school coming up, need to improve my grades a bit.

---

There are some pretty cool moments in this piece. I like the 'happiness drought' line. But, some of it is pretty cliche. Like "eats you up and spits you out", "demons under the bed", "taunting" and "torturing" side by side, "lay in a heap", etc. Also, I would suggest that you delve a bit more into the feelings instead of the info. Talking about the vein that may have popped tells the reader about cutting, but it doesn't really convey the feelings the character is experiencing. Get creative, try using more imagery, paint a picture. Good work

Thanks, yeah I'm trying to expand on my vocabulary and how i express the imagery of what I'm trying to say. It's good that you enjoyed some of it though Thank you for the constructive critisism.

[Volaticus]

I can sense a lot of emotion in this poem. I liked that
But it's mostly just words/sentences (a lot of them cliches), and not a lot of images. You're mostly telling the story, instead of showing it.
I like where you're going with this though, and I think it could be worth an edit. For instance, you could pick out the strongest parts/statements, and build the rest of poem around them and just have fun and experiment. A lot of the stanzas didn't have much impact unfortunately. IMHO anyways