The Ageist Elderly Man with no Arms in the Parked Car

[Ganman]

Do you need S3? I know you need the last two lines transitionally, but does the line about the kids being written flat too show the self awareness without having to lay it out like that.

Just thoughts, you may need it. I'm just wondering if the poem can show me something else in place of those lines.

I do like the idea of incorporating this character in other poems. It would have a Tarantino sort of feel to it. Or you could do a Nick Flynn cartoon physics part I, part II thing. Give something funny and then shift to poignant after the author edits.

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Oh and "one" makes fist work for me--not that it matters what works for me.

Actually, I was thinking I'd have him cameo in a novel or two, poems maybe as well.

And I think, for now, I'm keeping S3, but I'll consider reworking it soon so that it offers more content. I like the metajoke though.

[justcloudy]

hey Ganman

first of all, loved this. it's funny and touching at once... I've been going over it a lot since yesterday. "letting technology cook their food" and "displaying their hindquarters" are both priceless. ;D
after much consideration, here are some small thoughts:

I agree with other commenters that the title and first stanza are redundant. maybe just "ageist" as a title? something that's less of a spoiler. ;p

in S6, would the character really refer to himself as elderly? somehow I think he'd be rather too stubborn to do that...

L1 and L2 of the last stanza are boring for me, unmemorable. do you really need them?

those are the only little things I found. thanks for sharing.
-cloudy

[Ganman]

hey Ganman

first of all, loved this. it's funny and touching at once... I've been going over it a lot since yesterday. "letting technology cook their food" and "displaying their hindquarters" are both priceless. ;D
after much consideration, here are some small thoughts:

I agree with other commenters that the title and first stanza are redundant. maybe just "ageist" as a title? something that's less of a spoiler. ;p

in S6, would the character really refer to himself as elderly? somehow I think he'd be rather too stubborn to do that...

L1 and L2 of the last stanza are boring for me, unmemorable. do you really need them?

those are the only little things I found. thanks for sharing.
-cloudy

Yeah, I'm a little on the fence about the last stanza too. I should probably rework that- see if I can capture something more efficiently.

I could stand to revise stanza six a little more, that's true.

I'll consider the title, but I actually like how it and the first stanza work together. I like the long title, for humorous and clinching effect, and I think restating it is necessary. I will look into it though.

Thank you for the feedback!