I first saw him eight years ago

[NakedBear]

My dashboard’s green glowing clock,
or the swaying red light in dusk;
but I will not again look at
that man blearing back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,
who shakes every night down this street.

He shakes the exit door without a handle;
it’s not meant for those wanting in.

Does he seek the shelter one block over?
And where’s the fat one that he staggard with when last I saw him?

Will he live the night?

Oh well.

The light’s green, now.

I’ll go home,
and I won’t look.

EDIT: Whooops. Can't spell 'my' correctly.

ORIGINAL

Dashboard, green glowing clock,
then swinging red light in the dusk.

I won’t look again to see
the man blearing back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,
who shakes every night down this street.

He shakes the exit door without a handle;
it’s not meant for those wanting in.

Does he seek the shelter one block over?
And where’s the fat one that he staggard with when last I saw him?

Will he live the night?

Oh well. The light’s green, now.

I’ll go home,
and I won’t look.

[billy]

hi mikey.
i think i got most of it except the 1st couplet.for some reason i'm struggling with making it work. i think it's the 'then' word that's screwing with me.

[NakedBear]

hi mikey.
i think i got most of it except the 1st couplet.for some reason i'm struggling with making it work. i think it's the 'then' word that's screwing with me.

Thanks for the comment, billy.

How about:

Away from the dashboard's green glowing clock,
I secured my sight to that dangling red light in dusk.

Or something.

Point is, I saw him and really wanted to look at something other than him. He's a old poor wretch, and I feel a desire to help him, and a desire not to help, every time I pass him (and how /could/ I help him, anyway?). He's on foot, and I'm driving. I doubt he own more than the clothes he's wearing (his only set, by the looks of it).

Regardless of what I want, I can't, cause I've got young kids with me. Or so I tell myself.

Thanks again.

[billy]

i understood the intent it was just the phrasing of the 1st couplet. a suggestion would be to keep it simple

The dashboards green glowing clock,
a swinging red light in the dusk.

or something like.

hi mikey.
i think i got most of it except the 1st couplet.for some reason i'm struggling with making it work. i think it's the 'then' word that's screwing with me.

Thanks for the comment, billy.

How about:

Away from the dashboard's green glowing clock,
I secured my sight to that dangling red light in dusk.

Or something.

Point is, I saw him and really wanted to look at something other than him. He's a old poor wretch, and I feel a desire to help him, and a desire not to help, every time I pass him (and how /could/ I help him, anyway?). He's on foot, and I'm driving. I doubt he own more than the clothes he's wearing (his only set, by the looks of it).

Regardless of what I want, I can't, cause I've got young kids with me. Or so I tell myself.

Thanks again.

[NakedBear]

i understood the intent it was just the phrasing of the 1st couplet. a suggestion would be to keep it simple

The dashboards green glowing clock,
a swinging red light in the dusk.

or something like.

Thanks for your input, billy. Thought I'd completely muddled my intent.

I made a small revision in OP.

[billy]

Mr dashboard’s green glowing clock,
or the swaying red light in dusk;
but I will not again look at i think this is now the problem line.
that man blearing back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,
who shakes every night down this street. not sure this lines needed because of shakes in the next line.
a suggestion ;
I look at anything but
that man blearing back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,

after the 2nd line

[NakedBear]

Mr dashboard’s green glowing clock,
or the swaying red light in dusk;
but I will not again look at i think this is now the problem line.
that man blearing back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,
who shakes every night down this street. not sure this lines needed because of shakes in the next line.
a suggestion ;
I look at anything but
that man blearing back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,

after the 2nd line

I like the second 'shake' for the repeated sound, yet differing meanings.

That problem line. Hmm.

---

Oh, maybe this is a solution? (I changed the title)

I’ll look

at my dashboard’s green glowing clock,
or the swaying red light in dusk,
but not that man blearing back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,
who shakes every night down this street.

[billy]

done that way, the first two lines give or have no point of reference. as far as a connection to the but line goes. it's not tying in properly (i could be wrong of course but from my pov it's disjointed.

[NakedBear]

done that way, the first two lines give or have no point of reference. as far as a connection to the but line goes. it's not tying in properly (i could be wrong of course but from my pov it's disjointed.

Hm. I was hoping to get the subject-verb in with this cheat. And oddly, I feel aversion to just putting them there on the first line. Why? It feels like I'm getting too prosy as well as putting my thumb in the reader's eye.

Yet I don't want it to cause a problem for the reader.

---

I won’t look again to see
that man who bleared back at me from the Co-op’s shadow,
and shakes every night down this street.

Instead I’ll see my dash light, glowing green,
or the swaying red light in dusk,
while he shakes the exit door without a handle;
it’s not meant for those wanting in.

Does he seek the shelter one block over?
And where’s the fat one that he staggered with when last I saw him?

Will he live the night?

Oh well.

The light’s green, now.

I’ll go home,
but I won’t look.