When the Creep Cats Come to Town (first edit)

[karinane]

First edit:
When the Creep cats come to town

Right is up and left is down
Birds flock in circles, and fill the skies
Unsteady wings and mournful cries
The bones pile high as the days wear on
No twittering will greet the dawn
When the creep cats come to town

The wind blows and blows without a sound
Stripping trees and whipping leaves.
Swirling, thrashing loose debris
Yet all is silent as can be
The world is tense and uneasy
When the creep cats come to town

As night creeps close no peace is found
Dread grips the heart as sleep draws near
And dreams are seeped in death and fear
Restless moans and twisted sheets unwound
No one’s sleep is safe and sound
When the creep cats come to town

With bright green eyes and feline teeth
But human hands upon their feet
Over the forest floor they creep
Once lively woods are dark and still
Even wolves will feel the chill
When the creep cats come to town

So stay inside and keep love close
Avert your eyes from those you care for most
Nothing is safe and there is no place to hide
They will feed on your soul until you are dead inside
Once full hearts are left empty and dried
When the creep cats come to town.



Original:
When the Creep cats come to town

Right becomes left an up becomes down
Birds flock in circles, round and round
Until they lie dead upon the ground
Sweet bird song is past and gone
The bones pile high when the creep cats come to town

The wind blows and blows without a sound
stripping trees and whipping leaves.
Swirling, thrashing loose debris
Yet all is silent as can be
The world is uneasy when the creep cats come to town

Dreams full of monsters both seen and unseen
fear grips the heart as sleep overtakes
and children just pray that they may stay awake
Restless movements and twisted sheets unclean
No one sleep soundly when the creep cats come to town

With bright green eyes and feline teeth
But human hands upon their feet
Over the forest floor they creep
Once active woods are dark and still
Even the wolves lose their will when the creep cats come to town

So stay inside and keep love close
Avert your eyes from those you care for the most
Nothing is safe and there is no place to hide
They will feed on your soul until you are dead inside
Once full hearts are left empty and cold when the creep cats come to town.

[Snags]

I've read this over a few times now, and although there are lots of little bits that don't quite click, there's still something fundamental about it that I like and find compelling.

Personally I'd be tempted to break all the final lines in two, so that "when the creep cats come to town" stands completely alone at the close of each stanza.

The 4th and 5th stanzas feel strongest for me; it sort of starts a little bit Dr. Suess but gathers menace and weight as each stanza goes on. I think it would definitely repay a bit more playing with the rhyme and imagery to make it that little bit taughter, but there's something there, lurking ...

[karinane]

Thank you for your critique. I agree that the last two stanzas are the strongest. I have been messing around with the others trying to get the rhythm into place. I was toying with the idea of breaking the final line into two and I think that you are right and it works better.

Thank you again for your critique! I woke up with the line "right is left and you'd form when the creep cats come to town" in my head yesterday morning and and think that there is a good idea lurking in there as well :-)[/quote]

[quote='Snags' pid='122650' dateline='1365635404']
I've read this over a few times now, and although there are lots of little bits that don't quite click, there's still something fundamental about it that I like and find compelling.

Personally I'd be tempted to break all the final lines in two, so that "when the creep cats come to town" stands completely alone at the close of each stanza.

The 4th and 5th stanzas feel strongest for me; it sort of starts a little bit Dr. Suess but gathers menace and weight as each stanza goes on. I think it would definitely repay a bit more playing with the rhyme and imagery to make it that little bit taughter, but there's something there, lurking ...

[rowens]

The line about the creep cats coming to town would work, but all the lines leading up to the last lines take away from the mood and atmosphere. The images are too mixed up in rhymes that make the message feel too commonplace.
Though I think the second stanza is the best.

But nonsense can be sinsister.

If you said something like, but much better than:

Birds fly in circles around;
up is right, down is left
and dead on the ground.
They sing no more songs
when the creep cats come to town.

But really you can just try to smooth out the lines you already have.

[karinane]

Thanks for taking the time to critique. I really like your inversion of the first line (Up is right and down is left). I have made a few changes and am going to post the edit. I wasn't sure about the first few stanzas but the second is the one I changed the least. I rarely try to make my poems rhyme so that has been difficult for me.

[rowens]

I don't like to rhyme. But sometimes rhymes happen, and when they do, I usually feel there's something humorous, or angry, about the feeling behind the rhyme. Or it's one of my taunting "demonic" rhymes as I call them. There's something ironic about rhymes when I feel the need to make them.

One time I made a poem for somebody else where I forced rhyme because I was in a hurry, and that's what they wanted. I still feel cheap.

[Heartafire]

Though I once was, I am not a fan of rhyme anymore with the exception of internal rhyming when it is good. I do think you have done a rather good job with this. I don't feel force in your rhyme. I enjoyed reading this (I found it a bit lengthy and that is a turn-off for me, but I stuck with it. Glad I did).

[Volaticus]

Hi,
I really like the structure and the repetition here. But mostly your rhymes, which flow so easily.
Your edit of this poem was a joy to read

[Snags]

Love it, definitely stronger for the edit.

Question: 3rd stanza, is it "seeped" or is that a typo for "steeped"?

Ridiculous nit-pick idea #1: final stanza, it might be worth considering replacing the "and" with a simple comma in the 3rd line (Nothing is safe, no place to hide)??

Ridiculous nit-pick idea #2: also final stanza, "Once-full" instead of "Once full" - or is that me mis-reading the purpose of once in that line?

But they really are stupidly tiny thoughts that I'm not convinced of. I still really like it. Not sure whether I want to know what a creep cat looks like or not!

[Simba]

I really like the poem as a whole but I think I had to get into it before I could enjoy it as the first two stanzas felt a little mechanical. The penultimate stanza is brilliant and is definitely my favourite. The rhymes within it seem natural and help to make the poem flow well.