Puzzled (first edit)

[Volaticus]

FIRST EDIT
Puzzled

Lost within a second,
I second what's within,
Within the rupture tears,
It's torn 'tween love and sin.

Sins and deep devotion,
Revoked my deepest fear,
Afraid to feel deliv'rance,
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices,
Voicing out the tale,
The tale of luminosity,
Luminous, but pale.


I'd love to know what you think of my edit, I tried to use as much of your feedback as possible

-----

I had a lot of fun writing this poem. I wanted to play around, and let the last word in a sentence (for the most part), be the first word in the next sentence, and also to keep it fairly simple.
I'm not sure what (if any ;-) ) parts of the poem works though, as the poem was an experiment, so any kind of feedback will of course be appreciated. :-)


Puzzled

Lost within a second,
Seconds lost within,
Within; eternal tear,
A tear of love and sin.

Sins and deep devotion,
Devotion deep with fear,
Fear, to feel deliv'rance,
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices,
Voices shouting tales,
Tales of luminosity,
Luminous and dim.

[cidermaid]

Hi, I really like that you are experimenting and playing with ideas like this and also actually quite like what you have tried to do here.
I think it is working, certainly at the concept level.
In terms of crit I would say that for me I Think the first stanza is the weakest in that it is perhaps trying too hard and that I felt you got into your stride and relaxed in the next two stanzas .
I liked the subtler shifts rather than the tight repetitions.
I enjoyed the read. AJ

[Volaticus]

Hi, I really like that you are experimenting and playing with ideas like this and also actually quite like what you have tried to do here.
I think it is working, certainly at the concept level.
In terms of crit I would say that for me I Think the first stanza is the weakest in that it is perhaps trying too hard and that I felt you got into your stride and relaxed in the next two stanzas .
I liked the subtler shifts rather than the tight repetitions.
I enjoyed the read. AJ

Hi AJ,
Thanks a lot for the feedback :-)
I'm happy to hear that you think it works conceptually. It was definitely concept I played with most.
And I understand what you mean with the first stanza. It's trying too hard and I'll try to make it less cliche. I thought the third stanza was the weakest, so I'll have to do something about that too, I think :-)
And it's not to seem ungrateful for your feedback, but I'm not sure I understand fully what you mean with subtler shifts and tight repetition. If it's not too much to ask, could you maybe rephrase or give an example?
- LB

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Really I'm just seconding everything AJ said. The concept works well, the last two stanzas built into a rhythm and I think are great, the first is a bit weaker than the others.

My only other criticism is the title - 'confuzzled' massacres the good poem you've written.

I love the concept though

[Volaticus]

Really I'm just seconding everything AJ said. The concept works well, the last two stanzas built into a rhythm and I think are great, the first is a bit weaker than the others.

My only other criticism is the title - 'confuzzled' massacres the good poem you've written.

I love the concept though

Hi Amy,
Thanks for your response and your kind words
I'm glad to hear the concept seems to work
It seems the first stanza needs the most work, and I'll try and make it match more with the rhythm of the 2nd and 3rd stanzas.
Yeah, I know the title is not great. Lets just say its only the working title Thanks again
- LB

[Snags]

I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to convey, but I like the feel of it! Particularly the second and third stanzas (although the last line loses me a bit).

I really like the opening two lines, but L3 shatters the moment. It's a bit like a dog being pulled up short on a leash when it's expecting to be able to run on joyfully

I did wonder if the final stanza would end with an echo of the first line too, keeping you trapped in the puzzle, setting the whole thing up for a redo-from-start.

Whatever. I like it, it makes me smile; I have no idea why!

[Volaticus]

I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to convey, but I like the feel of it! Particularly the second and third stanzas (although the last line loses me a bit).

I really like the opening two lines, but L3 shatters the moment. It's a bit like a dog being pulled up short on a leash when it's expecting to be able to run on joyfully

I did wonder if the final stanza would end with an echo of the first line too, keeping you trapped in the puzzle, setting the whole thing up for a redo-from-start.

Whatever. I like it, it makes me smile; I have no idea why!

Hi Snags,
Thanks for commenting
I've heard it's not a good thing, if you have to explain your poem But I guess it got a bit cryptic, what I was trying to convey.
Yeah, the very last line lost me a bit too. I was trying to convey some kind of ambivalence.
Haha, I see what you mean with the dog I'll work on that.
I'm happy it made you smile. And the fact that you have no idea why, somehow makes it even better

[heslopian]

I had a lot of fun writing this poem. I wanted to play around, and let the last word in a sentence (for the most part), be the first word in the next sentence, and also to keep it fairly simple.
I'm not sure what (if any ;-) ) parts of the poem works though, as the poem was an experiment, so any kind of feedback will of course be appreciated. :-)


Puzzled

Lost within a second,
Seconds lost within,
Within; eternal tear, Should there be a semi-colon here? This line might be more effective and moving if you re-phrase it as "within eternal tears" (which would also mean making "tear" plural in the next line, of course). Just a suggestion.
A tear of love and sin.

Sins and deep devotion,
Devotion deep with fear,
Fear, to feel deliv'rance, I like this contraction, maybe just because I don't often see contractions in modern poetry.
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices,
Voices shouting tales,
Tales of luminosity,
Luminous and dim. The lack of an A B C B rhyme scheme, which the other verses have, in this last verse surprised me, and not to good effect, I think, though it's a minor point.

There's not a great deal of imagery or narrative here, which I like in poems, but otherwise it's a neat, flowing piece of structured verse. Thank you for the read

[Volaticus]

I had a lot of fun writing this poem. I wanted to play around, and let the last word in a sentence (for the most part), be the first word in the next sentence, and also to keep it fairly simple.
I'm not sure what (if any ;-) ) parts of the poem works though, as the poem was an experiment, so any kind of feedback will of course be appreciated. :-)


Puzzled

Lost within a second,
Seconds lost within,
Within; eternal tear, Should there be a semi-colon here? This line might be more effective and moving if you re-phrase it as "within eternal tears" (which would also mean making "tear" plural in the next line, of course). Just a suggestion.
A tear of love and sin.

Sins and deep devotion,
Devotion deep with fear,
Fear, to feel deliv'rance, I like this contraction, maybe just because I don't often see contractions in modern poetry.
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices,
Voices shouting tales,
Tales of luminosity,
Luminous and dim. The lack of an A B C B rhyme scheme, which the other verses have, in this last verse surprised me, and not to good effect, I think, though it's a minor point.

There's not a great deal of imagery or narrative here, which I like in poems, but otherwise it's a neat, flowing piece of structured verse. Thank you for the read

Hi Heslopian,
Thanks a lot for your comments

The first stanza: Now that you mention it, no, the semicolon shouldn't be there. And I like your re-phrase. I think I'll play around with it a bit. Both "tear" was meant like 'tearing something up'. But with help from your suggestion, the first "tears" could be crying tears, and the next "tear" could keep it's original meaning, 'to tear something'. I'll figure it out

Thanks I don't usually use such kinds of contractions, but here it just seemed very appropriate.

Last stanza: I think you're right. It should have continued with the ABCB rhyme scheme.

Thanks for the help, it seems I have some work ahead with this piece, I'll also see if I can get some imagery into it

[cidermaid]

Hi Sorry for not coming back earlier to answer the question. Sometimes i forget where i have been!

What I meant by the subtler and less tight shifts was in referance to your concept of flowing in repitition from one line to the next. I liked the non full repititions. So for example

Lost within a second,
Seconds lost within,
Within; eternal tear,
A tear of love and sin. In stanza 1 you keep to exact word repititions (give or take an odd "s" for plural)

Sins and deep devotion,
Devotion deep with fear,
Fear, to feel deliv'rance,
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices, But by stanza 3 you have relaxed this and clear becomes clarity and luminosity becomes Luminous.
Voices shouting tales,
Tales of luminosity,
Luminous and dim.

I thought that the more relaxed approach worked better in terms of read / flow and for interest.

All the best AJ.

[Volaticus]

Hi Sorry for not coming back earlier to answer the question. Sometimes i forget where i have been!

What I meant by the subtler and less tight shifts was in referance to your concept of flowing in repitition from one line to the next. I liked the non full repititions. So for example

Lost within a second,
Seconds lost within,
Within; eternal tear,
A tear of love and sin. In stanza 1 you keep to exact word repititions (give or take an odd "s" for plural)

Sins and deep devotion,
Devotion deep with fear,
Fear, to feel deliv'rance,
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices, But by stanza 3 you have relaxed this and clear becomes clarity and luminosity becomes Luminous.
Voices shouting tales,
Tales of luminosity,
Luminous and dim.

I thought that the more relaxed approach worked better in terms of read / flow and for interest.

All the best AJ.

Hi AJ,
No need to say sorry And thanks for clarifying it to me. Now I know what you mean, and I agree. It works better overall, when most of the words aren't being repeated in the exact same way

[Volaticus]

I've posted my first edit