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[koolguy1029]

it won't let me delete the thread, so if a mod could do that for me, it would be appreciated

[tectak]

This is what you wrote:

text removed

That is EXACTLY your words. You wish for constructive criticism? Read what you posted then tell me why I should give up my time when you have given so little of yours. Are you happy with this? Do you seek to fool me into thinking you had written a poem when all you have done is write nonsense on more lines than a call-centre in Mumbai. Look, you have an idea, a concept, that you wish to share. Do you not feel an obligation to make yourself clear. I do not wish your unseemly decadence to rot to animate what your estranged limbs miss...really, I don't.
Read it out loud then rewrite it. No poetry should be wasted though some should be gjven a dignified death. Do not give up on this.I want to know what it is about. Write poetry.
Best,
tectak

[koolguy1029]

"Do you seek to fool me into thinking you had written a poem when all you have done is write nonsense on more lines than a call-centre in Mumbai." what?

[tectak]

"Do you seek to fool me into thinking you had written a poem when all you have done is write nonsense on more lines than a call-centre in Mumbai." what?

What what?

[koolguy1029]

It just came across as a poorly constructed criticism. There's actually a link on the forum about what to look for in a critique. Here if you need it http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=3505

Also you make some rather unfounded assumptions about my poem, such as the time i spent on it, and the critique came across as quite unprofessional. It's one thing to pan my poem, that's acceptable, it's one thing to tell me you disliked it and saw it as nonsense, that's fine, but it just seems incorrect to assume my intention for writing the poem or my investment in it.

[tectak]

It just came across as a poorly constructed criticism. There's actually a link on the forum about what to look for in a critique. Here if you need it http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=3505

Also you make some rather unfounded assumptions about my poem, such as the time i spent on it, and the critique came across as quite unprofessional.

That is because I am not a "professionallly qualified" critic. Few here, if any,are....but if you wish suggest that the comments made were incorrect then my only defense is that my opinion is invalid as would be expected from a layman, and you can then choose to ignore the points I made.
I am even malleable enough to accept that you want no further crit from me. Please advise. If you only want praise and eulogy, I am afraid I am not professionally qualified in this area, either.
Best,
tectak

[koolguy1029]

No no, that isn't my intention. I'm not saying your opinion is wrong, I'm saying that the way you happened to worded your critique just seemed unprofessional. I'm not looking for praise, I want critique, but you just panned my poem entirely.

Like, I'm not ignoring the points, I'm saying that you didn't really make any points.

[billy]

lets just clear this up. feedback is objective or subjective, his feedback is a bit of both, who knows what others may see in the poem.
if he told you he saw a list then accept that that's what he saw. tom can be very opinionated about peoples poetry but we accept that here. in fact it's really what we need to help us improve, you can disregard it etc but if there's a hint of substance in the reply then the reply is worthy. he told you it was list like, that's a point. he's pointing out to you that it feels you didn't spend much time thought or effort on the poem, this is his insight, he's slating the poem because he thinks it has little value as a poem, these are valid, if harsh points. no one here is a professional critic. if anything, many of us are barely capable of that standard of feedback. i'm not defending tom or anyone else. grow thicker skin, be more open to this kind of feedback. please don't reply to this part of my post here, but open a discussion if you wish to discuss the matter

---

while brevity in poetry is often extolled as a virtue, it has to be near perfect due to it's brevity. any slip in syntax or enjambment screw the reader up. when brevity is used in a stanza format, each stanza needs to be self contained (as a rule) many of your stanza fail in this. it feels like many are made of broken lines, many also come off as quotes or attempts at witty remarks. for me the poem fails to open up enough, it doesn't capture any of me. in a way, it like reading the side of a cereal box at breakfast. a suggestion would be to use less brevity and more continuity.

[Truerenigma]

Tom has a very valid point here. The syntax is in a complete state of disconnection. The only comprehensible sentence that i could find was 'we miss much in sleep.' Try saying something. Would you speak this way? It doesn't make any sense. You might as well have listed the words in alphabetical order.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Obviously you have a reason to write this poem. In that, you've got a story or idea for your poem to tell. But what is it?

Putting aside the syntax, you have a list of (sometimes) complex words.

It's like a cake without cream. Yes, you have some nice sounding words, but it's not complete. You need the reader to understand what you're trying to tell for them to understand what you already have written.

My advice would be to turn all of your words into standing sentences, see what works and what doesn't and add some meaning.

[serge gurkski]

too bad. i thought it was the title, the a I mean. sigh

[Leanne]

Poems are generally not deleted unless they have been mistakenly posted or in some way breach forum rules. This is Serious Critique. People have put in time and effort to critique this poem and to remove their work would be disrespectful. You may request to have a poem moved to a forum with less emphasis on criticism and workshop; however, just changing your mind because you're unhappy with comments received is not considered grounds for deletion/ admin