She's my shot of whiskey
Two-toned
And smooth
She's a torch in my hand
Her smell turns me on
I'm addicted
It hurts to be without you
I'm missing words
My bed has it easy
I smoke and drink and sleep on the edge of it
My arm hanging off the side
Hand two inches from my phone
Posts: 62
Threads: 6
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi,
I can feel the longing and missing in your words, I enjoyed reading it, it is very realistic. I have a question though, why suddenly the object of your poem changes from third person (she) to second person (you)?
I also have a doubt in the 2nd stanza.
She's a torch in my hand - after this metaphor here, are you trying to say that the smell of a torch in your hand turns you on?
Her smell turns me on (or may be you don't want any connection between these two lines then putting a full stop at the right place will do the job)
cheers
~Neena
Posts: 280
Threads: 42
Joined: Mar 2013
Hi,
I like that you can really feel the aching in the poem. The description of it was pretty clear, and relatable.
The first stanza, to me, works really well, and is a good way to start off the poem.
It seems to me, that a small change with second stanza is needed, as already mentioned by neena.
And this is only my personal opinion, you don't have to use it or anything, but the last line, to me, could benefit with a "My" as the first word.
Minor details, 'cause I really enjoyed reading it
Posts: 16
Threads: 3
Joined: Mar 2013
I really like the first stanza. I agree with the previous critiques. I think that it can stand fine just as it is, but the 2nd and 3rd stanzas are the weak points and might be stronger with some re-wording. I was thrown off by the change from "her" to "you" as well, but that may just be a personal opinion. Very good poem though. I enjoy it more and more each time I read it.
