Deltriece

[philoinlove]

It’s cold! It’s dark!
I can’t feel my heart.
The walls beside me, they smell of pine.
And try as I may I can’t move my eyes.

I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’ve lost it all.
The last thing I remember is a Sergeants Roll Call…
“Brown and Jacobs. Deltriece…”
“Here sir!”

“Gather your bags and board the plane!”
“But there’s people shooting out there.
Are you insane?”

“Stand up for Freedom!
Do it Deltriece, make us proud, you have nothin’ to lose but yourself.
But in the end that’s better than letting us down.”



“What did you say, did you hear that?”
He said,
“Run Deltriece Run!”

Sand ran from under me quick
And from Earth I slipped,
Down, down, down
into this well of hell.

And in this box I cannot talk
. Or sneeze or dream or breathe.
But what seems unfair is that this box can breathe air,
The wood is
breathing, and living, and new.
Or is it deceased, it was cut down for me which makes its sacrifice true.
And from the top they will whisper, that in the box lies
Martin Deltriece,
Strong, willing and proud.
Our King of Space now rules his place six feet underground.
Mommy don’t frown, deliver your son his crown, just make sure its
Red, White, and Blue.
For I have fought, and died for Countrymen that
I
never knew.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

It’s cold! It’s dark! Not the most imaginative start. Perhaps cut it completely.
I can’t feel my heart. I would prefer this as the first line
The walls beside me, they smell of pine. Change the full stop for a dash?
And try as I may I can’t move my eyes.

I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’ve lost it all. Describe this, don't state it. It ruins any curiosity I had in the first stanza as to what is going on
The last thing I remember is a Sergeants Roll Call…
“Brown and Jacobs. Deltriece…”
“Here sir!” Again, you said there was a roll call - Find another way to introduce that the speaker is Deltriece.

“Gather your bags and board the plane!”
“But there’s people shooting out there.
Are you insane?” I like this stanza more than the previous ones, it flows better

“Stand up for Freedom!
Do it Deltriece, make us proud, you have nothin’ to lose but yourself.
But in the end that’s better than letting us down.” I don't think this is paticularly natural speech, let alone in the middle of a battlefield. I'm sure his senior would be more annoyed than comforting to him if he's doubting his orders.



“What did you say, did you hear that?”
He said,
“Run Deltriece Run!” Again a bit unnatural - and this stanza could be used to full effect by describing the running rather than just hearing his commands.

Sand ran from under me quick
And from Earth I slipped,
Down, down, down
into this well of hell. Like this, apart from 'well of hell'. Just doesn't seem right to me.

And in this box I cannot talk
. Or sneeze or dream or breathe.
But what seems unfair is that this box can breathe air,
The wood is
breathing, and living, and new.
Or is it deceased, it was cut down for me which makes its sacrifice true. This last stanza is the poem for me. I'm not sure about the 'or is it deceased' - I think a comparison between Deltriece and the wood might work better. For example: Like me, this box could once breath air/the wood was/breathing, and living, and new./Now deceased,it was cut down - like me - which makes its sacrifice true.
And from the top they will whisper, that in the box lies
Martin Deltriece,
Strong, willing and proud.
Our King of Space now rules his place six feet underground.
Mommy don’t frown, deliver your son his crown, just make sure its It is flows better
Red, White, and Blue.
For I have fought, and diedEnd the line here for Countrymen that
I never knew.

Nothing wrong with the rest of it - I really like the ideas that you've written here. It has alot of potential.