The Waiting Game (second edit)

[Volaticus]

Again, thanks a lot for the feedback on how to improve my poem :-) Apparently I struggle quite a lot, when revising my poems, but I very much want to get better at writing :-) So this is what I ended up with after a long time, trying also to think of all the suggestions that were made. Critique or feedback will be appreciated and very helpful :-)

SECOND EDIT:
The Waiting Game

I wish to finish this puzzle my dear,
Fill in the blanks, so all would be clear,
But I know you, I know of your monsters;
You wouldn't be ready to hear.

In our endless screaming,
We need something to believe in,
Something to bash the wall, to break our fall;
A wake-up-call.

But then again,
I ask, my friend:
A new beginning? A bloody end?
A demon's femur, or Heaven sent?

I know it's not our time,
To nurse our saplings to grow,
A parasitic echo, always asking "Where to go?"
Must take it slow.

-----

Okay, so I've tried and tried to revise this poem, taking in the useful feedback I got. But I kind of feel that the first stanza, doesn't fit in. I'm pretty happy with the rest of the corrections I made, but it would really help me, to get another opinion on this. Thanks so much in advance

FIRST REVISE:
The Waiting Game

I wish to finish this puzzle, my dear-
Fill in the blanks, so all would be clear.
But I know you;
I know of the monsters you fear-
You wouldn't be ready to hear.

In our endless screaming,
We need something to believe in,
Something to stop it all,
To break our fall,
And make us tall.
But then again,
I ask, my friend:
A new beginning? A bloody end?
A demon’s femur, or Heaven sent?

I know it’s not our time,
To let our fevers grow,
A gnawing, clawing feeling,
Always asking “where to go?”
Must take it slow.

-----

This is a poem I wrote quite a long time ago. I know that it has a lot of cliches, abstractions and so on. The way it is now, it is not a good poem, in my opinion. I thought of revising it to 'rescue' it, but I can't decide, 'cause I'm not sure if there's enough to build on. I would greatly appreciate to hear another persons opinion. Thanks in advance

ORIGINAL:
The Waiting Game

I wish I could begin to tell you,
Just half of what needs to be told,
All the dreams to unfold,
And all that I have to withhold.

In endless screaming,
Something to believe in,
Something to stop it all,
To stop the fall,
And wake the crawl.
But then again,
I ask, my friend:
A new beginning? A bloody end?
A demon's femur, or Heaven sent?

I know it's not our time,
To see the curtains flow.
A winter, smiling backwards,
Always asking where to go,
Must take it slow.
(My vertigo,
Out of control,
Of things that matter,
And what to behold.)

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I don't think it's paticularly bad, but it's not my favourite of what you've written before. I'll go through it for ease:

I wish I could begin to tell you,
Just half of what needs to be told,
All the dreams to unfold,
And all that I have to withhold.

The first three lines are needed to set the scene but like you said are very cliche. The fourth line on the first read through doesn't immediately click, you have to stop and compute the wording. It's quite long worded which interrupts the flow. (Or at least to my simple mind..)

In endless screaming, Maybe just adding 'our' before 'screaming' might add some more depth to it
Something to believe in,
Something to stop it all,
To stop the fall,
And wake the crawl. This is quite unclear
But then again,
I ask, my friend:
A new beginning? A bloody end?
A demon's femur, or Heaven sent? I love these four lines, and even if you don't continue this poem, save them for another

I know it's not our time,
To see the curtains flow.
A winter, smiling backwards,
Always asking where to go,
Must take it slow.
(My vertigo,
Out of control,
Of things that matter,
And what to behold.) This stanza is a bit abstract (for me).

I probably am being a bit too critical as this is in Novice, but I think you have 2 options with this. You could either go through some real reconstruction of the weaker lines, or take the gold out of it and use that to create a new poem. Honestly, I'd do the latter - I don't think that the point is put across strongly enough that it wouldn't be better completely redone. I hope you don't mind me saying all this, as I adore some of your other poems and could see this one being as good.

[Volaticus]

I don't think it's paticularly bad, but it's not my favourite of what you've written before. I'll go through it for ease:

I wish I could begin to tell you,
Just half of what needs to be told,
All the dreams to unfold,
And all that I have to withhold.

The first three lines are needed to set the scene but like you said are very cliche. The fourth line on the first read through doesn't immediately click, you have to stop and compute the wording. It's quite long worded which interrupts the flow. (Or at least to my simple mind..)

In endless screaming, Maybe just adding 'our' before 'screaming' might add some more depth to it
Something to believe in,
Something to stop it all,
To stop the fall,
And wake the crawl. This is quite unclear
But then again,
I ask, my friend:
A new beginning? A bloody end?
A demon's femur, or Heaven sent? I love these four lines, and even if you don't continue this poem, save them for another

I know it's not our time,
To see the curtains flow.
A winter, smiling backwards,
Always asking where to go,
Must take it slow.
(My vertigo,
Out of control,
Of things that matter,
And what to behold.) This stanza is a bit abstract (for me).

I probably am being a bit too critical as this is in Novice, but I think you have 2 options with this. You could either go through some real reconstruction of the weaker lines, or take the gold out of it and use that to create a new poem. Honestly, I'd do the latter - I don't think that the point is put across strongly enough that it wouldn't be better completely redone. I hope you don't mind me saying all this, as I adore some of your other poems and could see this one being as good.

Thank you so much for commenting, and for the very kind words. It means a lot to me

And I completely agree. The first stanza is too cliche, and the fourth line is clumsy.
The second stanza also need some work. But I'm so happy to hear that you like those four lines. That's my favorite part
And the last stanza has too much abstraction.

I don't think you're being too critical. I appreciate you taking the time
I'm not sure at the moment, whether I'll rewrite it, or pick out bits, to use for another poem. But I surely have been motivated to do something with this poem. Thanks again

[Volaticus]

I've posted my rewrite at the top. Any feedback/critique will be much appreciated

[billy]

the edit is an improvement

no need for punctuation on the 1st line apart from a period. check your other lines for proper punctuation.

sort out the end rhyme using a proper rhyme scheme, which would mean sorting the verse out to be of the same line count. possibly quatrains, look out for forced rhymes. if need be don't go with end rhymes.

I know of the monsters you fear-
could then be

I know of your monsters

the 'you fear' part is forced and redundant, (of course some don't fear monsters but in general we're all shit scared of them, specially our personal ones. remove the cliche parts, change for original lines. it's good that your editing, this is how you learn to write poetry. well done.

Okay, so I've tried and tried to revise this poem, taking in the useful feedback I got. But I kind of feel that the first stanza, doesn't fit in. I'm pretty happy with the rest of the corrections I made, but it would really help me, to get another opinion on this. Thanks so much in advance

FIRST REVISE:
The Waiting Game

I wish to finish this puzzle, my dear-
Fill in the blanks, so all would be clear.
But I know you;
I know of the monsters you fear-
You wouldn't be ready to hear.

In our endless screaming,
We need something to believe in,
Something to stop it all,
To break our fall,
And make us tall.
But then again,
I ask, my friend:
A new beginning? A bloody end?
A demon’s femur, or Heaven sent?

I know it’s not our time,
To let our fevers grow,
A gnawing, clawing feeling,
Always asking “where to go?”
Must take it slow.

-----

This is a poem I wrote quite a long time ago. I know that it has a lot of cliches, abstractions and so on. The way it is now, it is not a good poem, in my opinion. I thought of revising it to 'rescue' it, but I can't decide, 'cause I'm not sure if there's enough to build on. I would greatly appreciate to hear another persons opinion. Thanks in advance

ORIGINAL:
The Waiting Game

I wish I could begin to tell you,
Just half of what needs to be told,
All the dreams to unfold,
And all that I have to withhold.

In endless screaming,
Something to believe in,
Something to stop it all,
To stop the fall,
And wake the crawl.
But then again,
I ask, my friend:
A new beginning? A bloody end?
A demon's femur, or Heaven sent?

I know it's not our time,
To see the curtains flow.
A winter, smiling backwards,
Always asking where to go,
Must take it slow.
(My vertigo,
Out of control,
Of things that matter,
And what to behold.)

[Volaticus]

the edit is an improvement

no need for punctuation on the 1st line apart from a period. check your other lines for proper punctuation.

sort out the end rhyme using a proper rhyme scheme, which would mean sorting the verse out to be of the same line count. possibly quatrains, look out for forced rhymes. if need be don't go with end rhymes.

I know of the monsters you fear-
could then be

I know of your monsters

the 'you fear' part is forced and redundant, (of course some don't fear monsters but in general we're all shit scared of them, specially our personal ones. remove the cliche parts, change for original lines. it's good that your editing, this is how you learn to write poetry. well done.

Hi billy,
Thanks a lot for your critique I'm happy to hear that I succeeded in improving the poem to some extent.
I'll work on doing proper punctuation, remove forced rhymes and cliches and try to be more original. Your comments has really helped me, thanks
Only thing I didn't understand, is the thing you said about quatrains and the same line count. Did you mean that it would be a good idea to arrange the poem, so that there are four lines in each stanza? It's not to come off as unappreciative, I just want to be sure I understand.
Thanks again
- LB

[karinane]

I like it a lot and think that the revision is a definite improvement

Something doesn't quite work with this part in the first stanza:

But I know you;
I know of the monsters you fear-
You wouldn't be ready to hear.

Maybe move the lines around a bit? like...
But I know you; You wouldn't be ready to hear
I know of the monsters that you fear

or something like that.

[Volaticus]

I like it a lot and think that the revision is a definite improvement

Something doesn't quite work with this part in the first stanza:

But I know you;
I know of the monsters you fear-
You wouldn't be ready to hear.

Maybe move the lines around a bit? like...
But I know you; You wouldn't be ready to hear
I know of the monsters that you fear

or something like that.

Hi karinane,
Thanks a lot for your kind words
I see what you mean, it does sound a bit odd, in the first stanza. I'll try and tweak it, so it sounds more right.
I appreciate your critique, it helps me a lot, thanks

[Volaticus]

I've posted my second edit at the top. It was tough, so I really hope it's improved :-)

[UnicornRainbowCake]

A definite improvement, I think. I haven't looked at this thread in a while and so read the edit with fresh eyes - it is so much clearer now what you mean and are trying to convey.

I think the problem is with it not feeling like it's fitting in is each stanza has a different rhyming scheme. This might be deliberate, but I'm not sure that it works. Think about a uniform scheme or even free verse.

Very much improved however

[Volaticus]

A definite improvement, I think. I haven't looked at this thread in a while and so read the edit with fresh eyes - it is so much clearer now what you mean and are trying to convey.

I think the problem is with it not feeling like it's fitting in is each stanza has a different rhyming scheme. This might be deliberate, but I'm not sure that it works. Think about a uniform scheme or even free verse.

Very much improved however

Hi Amy,
Thanks so much for your feedback
I'm so happy to hear that it's much clearer now. I focused a lot on that. Maybe a bit too much
About the different rhyming schemes. (Just to be sure, and at the risk of sounding a bit stupid, but rhyming schemes are like aaba, abcb etc?).
But it was intentional. Maybe that was a mistake. I thought it worked okay, but now that you mention it, it seems a bit.. messy.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

A definite improvement, I think. I haven't looked at this thread in a while and so read the edit with fresh eyes - it is so much clearer now what you mean and are trying to convey.

I think the problem is with it not feeling like it's fitting in is each stanza has a different rhyming scheme. This might be deliberate, but I'm not sure that it works. Think about a uniform scheme or even free verse.

Very much improved however

Hi Amy,
Thanks so much for your feedback
I'm so happy to hear that it's much clearer now. I focused a lot on that. Maybe a bit too much
About the different rhyming schemes. (Just to be sure, and at the risk of sounding a bit stupid, but rhyming schemes are like aaba, abcb etc?).
But it was intentional. Maybe that was a mistake. I thought it worked okay, but now that you mention it, it seems a bit.. messy.

Yep, you're right, abcdefg

I can see why you'd use it. It is a structuary (is that a word?) representation of the unpredictable emotions of a break up. (I think I possibly have spent too long analysing poetry for my course now...)

For some people it might work. Somebody will probably comment and say they like it, it's personal perspective. For me, I'm all-or-nothing - strict rhyme or free verse. It all depends on who is looking at it.

You've done really well with a poem I didn't necessarily like to begin with, well done on that

[karinane]

I really like the new edit. It much more concise and clear. I like the changing rhyme scheme in a poem with this theme. I guess I should critique something, but I like this version a lot. Good job!

[Volaticus]

Hi Amy,
Yeah, I think you're right about it being a matter of who's reading it. I'm slightly leaning towards keeping it as it is, and not make a strict rhyme scheme. Not sure yet, though. Got some thinkin' to do
And thanks again for all the useful critique, and I'm glad you like the poem better now

---

Hi karinane,
I really appreciate your kind words It means a lot to me. Also because this was a poem I was about to give completely up on, a couple of times. But I'm glad I didn't.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment