Three Hours In Heaven

[Smiffy]

I‘ve thought of nothing but you
Since we danced close last night
A perfect fit in my arms
And there lies my plight
So much in your eyes
Mere words can’t explain
I wake to the morning
Lonely is the pain

It all seemed so easy
Time passed in a breath
Now you’re a memory
That scares me to death
Love’s a serious business
Alfie Davidson sang,
Soft lips blessed my neck
As alarm bells rang



Did you have to be so perfect?
Do you possess a flaw?
You carry deadly weapons
You should be against the law
A prohibited substance
A class A drug
Hope attached its handle
Once again, I’m its mug

Dreaming wild dreams
That can never come true
Wishing for sleep
All because of you
My heart wrote the cheque
My life could not cash
You gave three hours last night
A rainbow splash

My world full of colour
My life complete
Three hours in heaven
Tied by dancing feet
Call me a fool
Hopeless dreamer
Saved by Soul Music
My eternal redeemer

Lost in the words
Jokingly our tune
It’s you baby
It all ended too soon
My three hours in heaven
A perfect you
The Dells sang it right
Love is definitely blue

[UnicornRainbowCake]

There are a few things I would edit (writing them down before I forget after thinking about it more!):

I don't think the third stanza really adds anything, and some of the rhymes seem forced. Omitting that whole bit makes it flow better in my opinion.

I'd also cut out As from 'soft lips blessed my neck', and add and to 'alarm bells rang'.

I love this though:
My heart wrote the cheque
My life could not cash

It's good though, very heartfelt.

[serge gurkski]

this is sweet mostly and- if I am not wrong- I sometimes hear Boz Scaggs here.

cheers

sg

[lewis taylor]

your language is all very endearing and there are times when lines are pleasantly tangible. I would, however, hesitate to imply anyone is 'perfect' or compare them to weapons or drugs. It comes off a little cheesy and it's a bit of a contradiction when you think about it.

Thanks for the read,
Lew

[Smiffy]

Cheers for reading and taking the time to offer critique Amy, first off I should explain that the poem is very personal to me and reflects much of what has happened to me in the last ten years. The poem was written after the night in question last Sunday and whilst I was out walking the hills.I purposely posted it with very little editing to see the reaction plus I for whatever reason wanted it out there as near to the event as possible, no idea why just a whim maybe.
I have taken up your suggestions even though I did like the third stanza you are right it did not add much for anyone other than me.
Little confession on the lines you really liked, the poem was written after a Northern Soul all nighter in Manchester where I met the lady in the poem, the lines are a variation on two lines from a Northern song Don't Be Sore At Me by the Parliaments so although the words are different the basic idea was not unfortunately mine.

I love this though:
My heart wrote the cheque
My life could not cash

Many thanks for your input
Bill

---

this is sweet mostly and- if I am not wrong- I sometimes hear Boz Scaggs here.

cheers

sg

uuuummmm sweet, I may have missed the mark somewhere Serge it was meant to be anything but that, but if that is the way it came across to you then maybe I wasn't as pissed off by love slipping through my fingers one more time as I thought I was,
cheers for taking the time to read and reply
Smif

---

your language is all very endearing and there are times when lines are pleasantly tangible. I would, however, hesitate to imply anyone is 'perfect' or compare them to weapons or drugs. It comes off a little cheesy and it's a bit of a contradiction when you think about it.

Thanks for the read,
Lew

Hi Lewis and welcome to the forum, whilst appreciating you reading and commenting I have to say I disagree with you, I think I know who is perfect for me and as the poem was a gut reaction to events (explained in my reply to Amy) the previous night the lady in question was perfection, knowing her longer might have changed that but as the title says, "three hours in heaven".
As a connection to addiction I think drugs is perfectly suitable and deadly weapons was a reference to her eyes. I have given it some thought and I find no contradiction but then I wouldn't otherwise I would have seen it when writing and not wrote it.
thank you for your thoughts, much appreciated and thought about
Smiffy