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I posted this a while ago, I just wanted to fix it up because I like the content.
inundated live-wire
oh fuck me, this almost ponytail
you flicked my nose
grabbed my waist
moved me aside and
pulled my hair
you bit my chest
choked my neck
i wondered why it hurt
but i sucked your...
i bitkissed your chest
i choked your neck
climbed atop
told you i'd treat you
bad, like you treat the rest
you wished out loud don't stop
i need
i crave the filthiest---
so i'll bargain pain purity for release
for rage-lust blood-trembles
bodies more polluted than mine
and i won't give a semblance of a fuck
if your hurt is my consequence.
I'll be there in a minute.
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pretty brilliant.
i see no real need for not writing: phallus or cock in line 2 stanza 2
cheers
serge
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maybe the cock is a fleeting thought
and maybe I just wanted you to say it in your head, dirty bird.
I'll be there in a minute.
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;-) I said it in my head.
Mission accomplished.
damn, I really might need a blowjob.
My body seems to tell me so.
cheers
dirty bird
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Nice of you to reveal that information.
I doubt you'll be getting anything over the poetry forums though!
I'll be there in a minute.
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Yes.
I am good at making porn scenes up. But: ever so easily bored.
and to reveal just a bit more about my cock and me:
When I was younger coming felt so much better. Sigh.
It is a mess.
(sorry, I thought we were on my thread.
goddamn, I ll never learn that without Billy helping me.
sigh.
so just ignore my cockettishness, please.)
This is like the literary back end to my Tumblr page. I like it.
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So I guess it's a little too late for me to ask you all to seriously critique this
(04-04-2013, 09:38 AM)Regn Wrote: This is like the literary back end to my Tumblr page. I like it.
this makes me laugh
me too.
.... me too.
I'll be there in a minute.
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Nice. I think it turned Serge on.
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i cum beg overt seize
(or was it: over seas??? o so tricky)
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Just a friendly reminder that this is Serious Critique, people.
It could be worse
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don't dig title
gurk, mother's finest critic
ty for caring
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i expected it to be about titles
i liked the strong end, the 1st stanza though it presumablu is setting the end up feels to listy and too weak. some good line in there but they're mainly in the latter half, the beginning of the poem (1st two line) had me thinking to hard trying to work them out
(03-30-2013, 07:37 AM)newsclippings Wrote: I posted this a while ago, I just wanted to fix it up because I like the content.
inundated live-wire this line feels like it's from another place or poem and doesn't really start it off well
oh fuck me, this almost ponytail, i can't see how this is suppose to work either.
you flicked my nose
grabbed my waist
moved me aside and
pulled my hair
you bit my chest
choked my neck from L3 to here it has a lot more continuity, though is list-like
i wondered why it hurt
but i sucked your... say what it is,
i bitkissed your chest did you mean bit, kissed or bit-kissed? i like the phrase it sets up a decent image
i choked your neck verges on repetition
climbed atop
told you i'd treat you
bad, like you treat the rest
you wished out loud don't stop i like the line but wonder if the 'don't stop' part would have been better in quotes on it's own line?
i need
i crave the filthiest--- filthiest what?
so i'll bargain pain purity for release
for rage-lust blood-trembles
bodies more polluted than mine
and i won't give a semblance of a fuck
if your hurt is my consequence. i like the selfish end, created in this stanza.
